Both of my kids have gone through acceptance of this in different ways. My daughter shows her emotions in her eyes. You know just by looking at her she's unhappy about something. My son, he tells you, or he acts out, either way I know when my kids are unhappy with something I've done.
So what do I do when I encounter either of them unhappy? Well, I try to fix it. First however I need to find out the cause, what did I do to perpetuate their unhappiness?
Most of the time it's not really something I've done but something I could do something about and therefore their unhappiness is directed at me, the one who can fix it. Not surprising, as their parent it is my job to ensure their happiness right? For now at least.
One thing that is a common reoccurring theme in my daughters unhappiness is jealousy. She is jealous of any attention I give to my partner and his children. As she gets older this seems to occur less and less, she has resigned herself to the fact that they are a part of my life and therefore not going anywhere. In short she has accepted them but she also now knows she is still my number one priority and I think she finally believes me.
My son also suffers from jealousy but instead of giving me dirty looks he voices his opinion which usually lands him in trouble because he has no tact, he has no filter to tell him, "if I say this, this way I'm going to get in trouble" I try to be understanding but there are times when I view this behaviour as selfish. He still needs me to let him know he's also my number one priority.
Really though, why shouldn't they be selfish? I am after all their mom, they are my children they always will be. I have always thought I put their needs first to the sacrifice of my own, yet they don't see it that way. They see what they choose to see. Their mom paying attention to people other than them.
When my partner and I were first together this was a very big issue for them. More so because they had just lost their own family and now were having to deal with four new individuals taking my attention not just one. We have worked through this and after three years it's getting better but it's not perfect I don't know if it will ever be. But we are managing and that's more than I can ask for.
Recently my partners youngest has been wanting to spend more time with his mother. Nothing wrong with this but it did make us wonder why all of a sudden it was so important to him.
Was he unhappy here? Is he not getting the attention he's needing from his dad? Doubtful, his dad makes sure he spends one on one time with each of his kids as time permits and recently made a point to spend time with just him.
Then the light bulb went on. He's might be jealous. This was not a conclusion that was easily decided there are a few clues however that point in this direction.
First, my partner was raised by a single mom, one who dated. Nothing terrible there accept my partner loathed every man his mom brought home to the point of temper tantrums, as he explained it he was jealous of the time she spent with them and not him. As far as this situation goes he is an expert in determining how it feels to have someone new to adjust to and accept.
Second, when my partner and I were first together the youngest would wedge himself between his dad and I to ensure his place. This was also normal and after a while his jealousy of me subsided and doesn't feel or at least appear to feel a need to place himself between his dad and I.
Third, my partners ex has a male friend who recently has been spending time with her and the kids and while they all like him it has become evident that the youngest is no longer the center of his moms universe in his eyes regardless of whether this is correct or not this is how he sees it. Now keep in mind he is eight and up until now has had his mom's full attention.
Yes he's happy to spend time with his dad, and he's happy spending time with his mom, what we are seeing is that he has an acute need right now to be with his mom to cement his position firmly between her and her friend. Again with time this will subside. He just needs to make sure he's still the center of her universe, even though this has not changed for his mom. No one is at fault.
Acceptance is difficult at any age, imagine being a child and having to accept a new family into you're life, and unless you have actually experienced it there is no way to fully comprehend it. Logic plays no part, for adults it's easy, for kids it's scary. As adults we know our place, kids don't, they are constantly vying for first in their parents eyes competing with their siblings for this position, it's natural. As parents we want to ensure our children are all equal in our eyes and hearts. Its how they perceive themselves that causes issues for them.
Case in point, my son has LD and is ADHD, my daughter is a straight A student, I love them both equally and they frustrate me equally but if you ask either of them who they think is my favourite, they will both say they other because of how they perceive themselves in my eyes, now add to this four more people vying for my attention, let alone one.
So my point here is, no matter how careful we are to instill in our children how much we love them when the dynamics of a family changes even in the slightest it has an impact on their fragile psyche and all that is really needed to fix it is, time and an abundance of love. Time with them one on one and time overall to show them they are still the center of the universe.
I know eventually my kids will grow up and all that they have experienced will make sense and fit in with who they are, all their experiences combined will make them better people as long as they have parents and step-parents who instill in them now that they are important and cherished, that no one could ever replace them and that they are and always will be the center of their parents universe.
with much love, light and patience,
Tammy.
