So recently I made the silly decision to trade in my van and get a car, something a little better on gas. As it is I spend anywhere from $200.00 to $300.00 a month on gas and quite frankly I'm tired of it.
Well, because I bought the van with what they call negative equity, I traded a vehicle that I didn't get full value for and had to carry over a small amount which has resulted in the same effect with this trade in, I owe more for the van than they are willing to give me in trade. In other words the numbers just don't work. I'm not willing to pay more every month for a less expensive vehicle.
So ya, I'm disappointed, I was looking forward to the savings but more so I was looking forward to that new car smell. My van is three years old and doesn't smell new anymore. This isn't the only reason. My van, again silly me for not checking, doesn't have ABS and recently I found myself in a panic sliding sideways down a wet road. Pretty scary I've been so accustom to the vehicle pumping the breaks for me so I didn't know what to do. Now I know, I pump them myself.
Needless to say, I'll just keep the van and when it is paid off I'll trade it in. I know I won't get top dollar for it, maybe I'll sell it privately. Until then I'm going to tell myself, there is a reason for everything and maybe there's a very good reason I didn't get my new car. In the mean time, I'm going to go over to my friends house tomorrow night and have a drink, and toast my not so new no ABS smelly gas guzzling mini van.
With much love, light and a higher purpose?
Tammy.
Friday, September 24, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Guardian Angel and The Dimes
Today is the twenty year anniversary of my grandmothers passing. I recall clearly that horrific phone call early in the morning twenty years ago, my dad's strained voice telling me "Nanny's gone." Typing this now all the pain and sorrow comes pouring back in and I struggle to keep myself from falling to pieces.
That morning however the shock set in so fast I went into autopilot instantly. I asked questions, my voice cold and emotionless very unlike me in normal circumstances. This was far from normal this was my worst nightmare come to life. I would have been seeing my grandparents that very weekend had this not happened, but it did and everything changed.
My mom and uncle were flying in from BC the next day and I was to pick them up at the airport in Toronto and the three of us would drive to Trenton Ontario where my grandparents had moved at the beginning of the year to live with their oldest daughter, my Auntie Carol. The drive from Toronto to Trenton should take the better part of an hour and a half depending on the traffic, I made it from the airport to Trenton in forty five minutes but cannot recall the drive.
From the moment of the initial phone call to arrival in Trenton I had not shed a single tear, they just weren't there, I stuffed my emotions so far down they were probably resting in my feet. It wasn't until I saw him, my grandpa. In such a short time he had aged decades, the toll of loosing the love of his life broke him. This once strong WWII Fighter Pilot became a frail old man in the dying gasps of his beloved wife of forty five years. Too soon, so sudden.
That's pretty much when the dam broke, and I've been crying ever since. There are days, weeks, months and even years that go by and I don't shed a tear for her. But all it takes for me is really thinking about what we lost that day to bring it all back up to the surface to sting my eyes and burn hot on my face. I miss her dearly, as all who loved her does.
My grandfather suffered the most, he survived her passing fourteen and a half years. He witnessed the arrival of his some of his great grandchildren without her, and the births of two new grandchildren all joys that should have been shared together. He made a promise days after Nanny died to be with us as long as he could and he did a great job we appreciate him for it when deep down we all knew were he would rather have been.
He left us in March 2005 peacefully slipping away. Joining his soul mate once again. I know she was there waiting for him, there would have been nothing that would have stopped her. I didn't get to go to his funeral. I was living back in BC with two young children and limited financial means to afford a last minute plane ticket. This I regret but I know he understands, I was there in mind if not in body.
So why did I title this blog "Guardian Angel and The Dimes"? well I'll tell you.
After my Nanny died I questioned everything religious, I felt betrayed by God for taking her away from me, I couldn't care less if it was her time, I wanted her back or to at least know she was ok where ever she was. You see, my grandmother was a devout Catholic who would vehemently defend her beliefs to anyone who would dare take her on. She usually won too. I remember lying in bed during the time we were in Trenton for her funeral, my mom was there too and in a hazy sedated state asked "what if there isn't a heaven and Nanny's just floating around in the dark?" "She's not going to be happy about that." At the time it made me laugh, probably because I was tired of crying but mostly because it was so true. What if?
What if all that we are taught about religion and God is wrong? What if it's just a ploy set in motion some two thousand years ago to control the masses? What if there is no heaven and hell? This woman who put her entire being into her faith is flailing about in the dark wondering were everyone is. What if?
And so began my own personal spiritual journey. I looked first to the church but what I found there only caused more questions than answers. Then one day after the birth of my daughter I was watching Oprah and she had a remarkable woman on her show. Her name is Rosemary Altea and she answered my questions. Ok, maybe not directly but she was the catalyst no argument there.
Rosemary is a well know British Medium and Healer and when she was being interview by Oprah had just published her second book, Proud Spirit. Well, I couldn't get to the book store fast enough, I bought it and devoured it. I stopped wondering were Nanny had gone, I now had some of the answers I was looking for. Proof there is 'life' after death, that we do go somewhere and not just cease to exist.
I have done years of work developing my own gifts and although I do not profess to be a psychic or even a medium I have experienced a few events that would make most peoples hair stand on end. I have had my own experiences with both grandparents, one of the funniest is the dimes. Now I know I have blogged about my grandfather and dimes in the past but I feel it pertinent to reiterate here. You see, certain people in my family, my mom, my sister, my aunt and my cousin have all been blessed if you will with dimes. These dimes just appear seemingly out of nowhere. Even recently my son has found dimes.
During my training I was told and have researched on my own that those beings in spirit can cause items to appear and disappear. My grandfather has chosen dimes because he knows I would recognise who they are coming from. In one year I collected over thirty dimes, not pennies or nickles unfortunately not toonies or loonies but dimes all because of the Blue Nose the sail boat on the dime. Further to this, we have decided that if it's the boat it's grandpa if it's the Queen it's nanny. Even if I'm completely off base, although I don't think I am, it's a nice way to be reminded of them both. I always smile and say hi or thank you. Just that little acknowledgement is enough to keep them alive in my heart if they can't be here in person.
As for the guardian angel, well, that's my nanny hands down. There have been far too many "close calls" for some of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren for her not to be stepping in. My niece for example has had far too many of these close calls to think it's just luck. It's Nanny protecting her, we have always felt her presence some more than others but knowing her as well as I do there is no way she's not our family's guardian angel, both of them really, because where there's the one you can be certain the other is there too.
So twenty years ago things changed and for all the dream time conversations I have with my grandparents I really wish I had more time with them on this planet. I wish my kids had an opportunity to know them both and love them as I do. I hate missing them that part sucks and always will. The time I did have with them is filled with many cherished memories that have not faded with time as I feared they would. I know that when it's my turn to be a grandparent I'm going to try my hardest to be for my grand kids what my grandmother was for me. My own mom is doing a damn good job of following in her mom's footsteps with my kids so maybe there's hope for me too.
With much love, light and memories,
Tammy.
That morning however the shock set in so fast I went into autopilot instantly. I asked questions, my voice cold and emotionless very unlike me in normal circumstances. This was far from normal this was my worst nightmare come to life. I would have been seeing my grandparents that very weekend had this not happened, but it did and everything changed.
My mom and uncle were flying in from BC the next day and I was to pick them up at the airport in Toronto and the three of us would drive to Trenton Ontario where my grandparents had moved at the beginning of the year to live with their oldest daughter, my Auntie Carol. The drive from Toronto to Trenton should take the better part of an hour and a half depending on the traffic, I made it from the airport to Trenton in forty five minutes but cannot recall the drive.
From the moment of the initial phone call to arrival in Trenton I had not shed a single tear, they just weren't there, I stuffed my emotions so far down they were probably resting in my feet. It wasn't until I saw him, my grandpa. In such a short time he had aged decades, the toll of loosing the love of his life broke him. This once strong WWII Fighter Pilot became a frail old man in the dying gasps of his beloved wife of forty five years. Too soon, so sudden.
That's pretty much when the dam broke, and I've been crying ever since. There are days, weeks, months and even years that go by and I don't shed a tear for her. But all it takes for me is really thinking about what we lost that day to bring it all back up to the surface to sting my eyes and burn hot on my face. I miss her dearly, as all who loved her does.
My grandfather suffered the most, he survived her passing fourteen and a half years. He witnessed the arrival of his some of his great grandchildren without her, and the births of two new grandchildren all joys that should have been shared together. He made a promise days after Nanny died to be with us as long as he could and he did a great job we appreciate him for it when deep down we all knew were he would rather have been.
He left us in March 2005 peacefully slipping away. Joining his soul mate once again. I know she was there waiting for him, there would have been nothing that would have stopped her. I didn't get to go to his funeral. I was living back in BC with two young children and limited financial means to afford a last minute plane ticket. This I regret but I know he understands, I was there in mind if not in body.
So why did I title this blog "Guardian Angel and The Dimes"? well I'll tell you.
After my Nanny died I questioned everything religious, I felt betrayed by God for taking her away from me, I couldn't care less if it was her time, I wanted her back or to at least know she was ok where ever she was. You see, my grandmother was a devout Catholic who would vehemently defend her beliefs to anyone who would dare take her on. She usually won too. I remember lying in bed during the time we were in Trenton for her funeral, my mom was there too and in a hazy sedated state asked "what if there isn't a heaven and Nanny's just floating around in the dark?" "She's not going to be happy about that." At the time it made me laugh, probably because I was tired of crying but mostly because it was so true. What if?
What if all that we are taught about religion and God is wrong? What if it's just a ploy set in motion some two thousand years ago to control the masses? What if there is no heaven and hell? This woman who put her entire being into her faith is flailing about in the dark wondering were everyone is. What if?
And so began my own personal spiritual journey. I looked first to the church but what I found there only caused more questions than answers. Then one day after the birth of my daughter I was watching Oprah and she had a remarkable woman on her show. Her name is Rosemary Altea and she answered my questions. Ok, maybe not directly but she was the catalyst no argument there.
Rosemary is a well know British Medium and Healer and when she was being interview by Oprah had just published her second book, Proud Spirit. Well, I couldn't get to the book store fast enough, I bought it and devoured it. I stopped wondering were Nanny had gone, I now had some of the answers I was looking for. Proof there is 'life' after death, that we do go somewhere and not just cease to exist.
I have done years of work developing my own gifts and although I do not profess to be a psychic or even a medium I have experienced a few events that would make most peoples hair stand on end. I have had my own experiences with both grandparents, one of the funniest is the dimes. Now I know I have blogged about my grandfather and dimes in the past but I feel it pertinent to reiterate here. You see, certain people in my family, my mom, my sister, my aunt and my cousin have all been blessed if you will with dimes. These dimes just appear seemingly out of nowhere. Even recently my son has found dimes.
During my training I was told and have researched on my own that those beings in spirit can cause items to appear and disappear. My grandfather has chosen dimes because he knows I would recognise who they are coming from. In one year I collected over thirty dimes, not pennies or nickles unfortunately not toonies or loonies but dimes all because of the Blue Nose the sail boat on the dime. Further to this, we have decided that if it's the boat it's grandpa if it's the Queen it's nanny. Even if I'm completely off base, although I don't think I am, it's a nice way to be reminded of them both. I always smile and say hi or thank you. Just that little acknowledgement is enough to keep them alive in my heart if they can't be here in person.
As for the guardian angel, well, that's my nanny hands down. There have been far too many "close calls" for some of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren for her not to be stepping in. My niece for example has had far too many of these close calls to think it's just luck. It's Nanny protecting her, we have always felt her presence some more than others but knowing her as well as I do there is no way she's not our family's guardian angel, both of them really, because where there's the one you can be certain the other is there too.
So twenty years ago things changed and for all the dream time conversations I have with my grandparents I really wish I had more time with them on this planet. I wish my kids had an opportunity to know them both and love them as I do. I hate missing them that part sucks and always will. The time I did have with them is filled with many cherished memories that have not faded with time as I feared they would. I know that when it's my turn to be a grandparent I'm going to try my hardest to be for my grand kids what my grandmother was for me. My own mom is doing a damn good job of following in her mom's footsteps with my kids so maybe there's hope for me too.
With much love, light and memories,
Tammy.
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