We Have So Much To Learn.

We are born and we grow up.  Along the way we are taught. First by our parents then our friends, teachers and eventually by our own children if we decide to have kids.  We experience so much in our life time as short or long as it may be that we tend to take some of these lessons for granted.

My parents taught me to love myself and others equally.  My friends taught me that we are all individuals, unique, but all striving for the same goal, survival.  My teachers taught me about the world around me and how simultaneously big and small it is.  My children have taught me that I'm not done learning.

It's what we do with this knowledge that will make the difference in our lives.  We are all attending this school called life and sometimes we misbehave and get "detention" you know what I'm talking about.  Those experiences we have that we are not entirely happy about the "why me?" experiences.  All part of learning.  We need to have these experiences good and bad to determine what kind of individual we will be.  Where our place in this classroom is when our last breath is exhaled.  Are we the class clown, the bully, the popular kid, the nerd, the jock, the perpetual hall monitor, or the invisible kid? 

I think most of us are the invisible kid.  You know the one, he/she sits at the back of the class listens intently but says little.  The one at your high school reunion you vaguely remember, it's not a bad thing, it's just the way it is.  That's the person we should all strive to be, not invisible but existing in harmony with everyone, not needing to be the clown or the bully or popular or a nerd or jock and certainly not the hall monitor.  Just being, and absorbing and taking with them volumes of knowledge to pass on to the next generation.

I was that kid, invisible for the most part.  At least that's how I saw it.  I'm still somewhat invisible.  I try not to call attention to myself, however I suppose blogging and facebook has changed that for me somewhat.  But what I really wanted was to be popular or smart or even the class clown.  Didn't want the title of bully or hall monitor, but invisible...not my first choice not back then.  Yet I sit here and am learning that maybe that wasn't such a bad thing after all.

You see, I did a lot of observing, I tried a few things too but mostly I watched and waited.  The one thing I observed is a lot of people out there are just like me...quietly sitting at the back of the class watching the other students and learning, absorbing and digesting so that when the time comes for us to step up, we have the answers.  Are they the right answers?  Maybe, only time will tell.  What I do know is that as long as we keep a higher purpose in mind they certainly won't be the wrong answers.

My kids are relying on me now to impart the knowledge I have gathered so far on them.  So far it's been a pretty positive experience.  I also see where my negative experiences will help them make better choices for themselves, I've learned so they don't have too.  But then maybe they need to as well, or maybe they will encounter a situation that I hadn't and they will teach me.  Learning is a life long commitment.  And for some, even longer.

When I'm faced with my graduation from this life to the next I hope to not only leave behind a lifetime of knowledge but to take with me these same experiences so when I return maybe I will get the be the popular kid, or the jock or even the nerd.  So long as I'm not a bully I'll take invisible too!

With much love, light and what did you learn today?
Tammy.

Judgement Day

I was taught that it is not our place to pass judgement on others.  That right is reserved solely for one individual, God.  Having been raised Catholic I was taught that when you die you go to a place called Purgatory and that's where your actions, good and bad, from your time on earth are judged and it is decided if you can enter heaven.

I agree with the part about not having the right to pass judgement.  Whole heatedly, yet we do.  I do it but I just said I agree we shouldn't it's not our birthright.  So why do we feel we have this right?  Because it exists plane and simple.  The act of judging exists here on earth.  We judge criminals, that's acceptable.  We judge competitions, that's acceptable too.  It's when we judge individuals based on their personal choices and merit that it's not acceptable.  Who am I to say what another child of God should do?  We were not placed on this earth to pass judgement on individuals personal right to make decisions for themselves.

We are most welcome to judge ourselves.  That keeps us real.  But to judge someone because of a choice they have made that you may disagree with is fundamentally wrong. Who died and made you God?  Last I checked, no one.  The next time I'm sitting here judging someone I'm going to make a concerted effort to stop myself and just accept what is decided and let go of my judgement of that person.  I don't have to like the decision that's my right but I will not judge someone because they made a decision that they themselves are comfortable with.  They will face their judgement eventually.

I think the reason we judge is ego.  We feel we know best, we put ourselves above God when we judge.  Here is an example, an individual decides to stop going to church because they no longer feel connected to their faith.  Some may view this as turning their back on God, others may see that this individual is struggling with something they don't understand.  Others still will pass judgement because they have decided that this individual is no longer worthy of Gods love and therefore not worthy of their compassion or respect. 

Who is to say what is right or wrong in this situation?  Certainly not I.  Yet there are people out there who regard themselves in such high esteem that they take the place of God and pass their own narrow minded judgement on this individual who by now is feeling even less connected because of this unwelcome judgement.  It's not God judging it's man and it's wrong.

My hope for anyone who stumbles upon this blog is that they take from it a realisation that they are not above God that they do not have the right to judge and that their opinion is exactly that, an opinion and theirs alone.  Judge not least ye be judged. Good words to live by.  Oh and any religious organization that condones judgement of others is not serving God but their own agenda and my advise would be to run really fast in the opposite direction.

With much love, light and a judgement free existence.
Tammy 

The Universe And Me.

We have a unique relationship, the universe and me.  We don't always agree and there are times I think it's insane, or maybe I'm the one who's insane and the universe is just trying to show me what's real.

This past Saturday I was given the opportunity to give a Reiki treatment to a friend of mine who had been giving me Bio-energy treatments which are somewhat similar.  Bio-energy is more focused on outer energy Reiki on inner, both work with the bodies Chakras.

So as I'm giving this treatment I'm receiving all kinds of messages from Spirit.  For those of you reading this who don't know the history.  I've spent the better part of the past thirteen or so years now working on my mediumship and healing gifts.  So being so closely connected with Spirit during the session I receive information.  Sometimes I hear sometimes it's just feelings or knowing.  Either way I listen and try to make sense of it.

I was able to pin point and work on troubled areas for my friend and she felt it, confirmation for me that I was on task.  What I also got was encouragement to get "back into it" so I will.  Slowly but surly I will rekindle my relationship with the Universe.  It's a little bit of work but more so it's commitment.  And time permitting I will.

The Universe and Spirit are amazing entities for lack of a better description and I know from personal experience that we really do work in harmony together, the trick is knowing this and further more listening.  Sometimes the Universe is yelling at us but we are not listening, or we hear but chose to ignore.  Well I heard and I will take heed and do as instructed.  I know it's for my own good and further for the good of others.  After all that's what we are here for.

With much love, light and a strong connection!
Tammy.

Is This What Depression Feels Like?

I am sitting here at my desk knowing I have a tone of work to get through but I'm paralysed.  I have no motivation to do anything let along what I'm actually paid for and I'm fighting hard not to cry.  Am I depressed?  I've never felt this bad with no apparent reason.  OK I have my reasons but they have never gotten me so down that I feel this listless.

Should I go to a councilor?  Costs too much, reason number one.  Lack of money.  Sure I work and I make a decent living but the strain I feel to support not only me and my kids but my partner and his as well is overwhelming.  It's a stress I've never before experienced and I don't know how long I can manage.

Maybe I need alone time?  Virtually impossible, reason number two.  There is always something that has to get done or some one always needing my attention or assistance.  For a fleeting moment I thought I would have one of the elusive kid free weekends that come around every once in a while but I was informed today that that is not going to happen.  Fine, I'll deal with it like I always do, with little to no help from anyone. 

Maybe I should ask for help?  Pipe dream, reason number three.  I've done that to myself, I do all the cooking and for the most part cleaning, the dishwasher will get loaded and unloaded if I leave the dishes sitting on the counter long enough but everything else seems to fall into my lap.  I don't force chores on the kids, though I know for a fact that they do chores at their other parents houses.  I figure they could use the break when they are at my house.  Stupid me, I deserve this one.

What do I do?  I want to run away and hide but that's not really an option.  I just want an end to the stress and pressure I feel overwhelming me.  I can kind of understand why people kill themselves, if you spend every day feeling this badly I suppose that option would start looking pretty good.  Don't worry, I'm not there.  Just an observation.  Besides I certainly wouldn't do that to my kids.  The thought of their father raising them without my input is far more terrifying. 

I'm expected to be strong, be the "rock" and maybe that's the impression I give people.  I bottle things up and don't say a word.  I feel as though I'm about to crumble into dust.  I don't want to hurt anyone or make them feel bad about how I'm feeling so I'll suck it up, do my duties as assigned and put on a smile and no one will be the wiser. I'll know.  I'm numb, I've dimmed, I'm crumbling.  I'm mentally and physically drained I have nothing left.  I would wallow in self pity but that's gone too.

Somethings got to give.

Initiating Change

Every now and then I feel a very strong force pushing me to make changes in my life.  Whether it be in my job, relationship or personally.  Change is something I've come to accept and embrace.  But deciding when and what to change is the trick.

I have been working at my current employer going on five years now.  For me that's a long time at one job.  I know it's not wise to change jobs too often but I get bored and stagnate and I hate that.  It's not that I don't like what I'm doing, well, ok maybe a little bit.  I certainly don't love it.  That's probably why I loose interest and want to move on.

I recently cut about two and a half inches off my hair. I know that sounds silly but it's taken me years to grow it out and I finally get it to the middle of my back and snip snip it's shorter again.  My reasoning, it's a renewable resource it will grow back and I'm in need of the change.  So by taking the initiative and cutting it I've satisfied the need for personal change.  For now.  I'm working on getting back into my "skinny" clothes...that takes a little longer.

I dreamt last night that I was unbelievably fit.  I had a perfectly flat rock hard stomach with little to no body fat to speak of...I wish! Believe me I didn't want to wake up from that dream.  I know it's something I could attain if I put my mind to it but you see that's the trick, convincing my mind it's a good thing.  I need to initiate a change in my attitude towards exercise.  Or just keep dreaming about it that certainly sounds easier.  

I'm one of those people who rearrange the furniture on a regular basis.  I'm sure it drives every one crazy but for me it's necessary.  I like moving too, new house, new location for me change is almost an obsession.  I remember when I liven in Toronto for six years, I think I had something like eight different addresses, my mom got to the point where she used pencil in her address book for me.  I like change!  

Let me qualify that, I like the change that I can choose and control.  I'm ok with forced change it just takes a bit to adjust.  Change is good if it's good change.  I don't try to change others, I'm busy enough changing myself and my surroundings.  It's fun to watch someone watching me when I'm in one of those moods, usually they just shake their heads and walk away.  Guess they just don't get it.

I need change, without it I become agitated and depressed.  I can put it off if I have to, if circumstances won't allow the change I require.  I can switch the focus of my change from rearranging furniture to painting the walls or tearing up old icky carpet.  When what I would really like to do is pack up and move to a bigger better house.  Not yet though the market hasn't recovered enough to justify a move. So I paint or renovate or whatever I can do to satisfy my need for change.

Initiating change when you are less motivated to change it tricky.  I would love to change jobs, do something a little different or more exciting but there's not much out their in the job market so I try to switch things up at work.  I take on new tasks that temporarily fill the need.  Or I rearrange my daily routine to make it seem a little different.  But the underlying desire for all out change still nags at me.  Do I initiate or do I stagnate?  I already know the answer to that one.

With much love, light and a need to change,
Tammy.

Letting Go.

Sounds simple but it's not.  Not really.

There are events that occurred in my life I would love to let go of but I can't.  I can't because they get thrown in my face every now and then and it makes my blood boil.

There is nothing I can do about it. I can not control the thoughts, words or actions of others yet I would love to.  I would love the opportunity to say..."wait a minute, that's not entirely accurate."  But I can't because it would only cause further aggravation for me.

So I take a deep breath and tell my self to detach from drama and let go.  For now at least.  There is nothing I can do to change the past.  There is no one I can explain it to who would actually believe me, yet what I know is the truth.  I can't force someone else to stop living the lie they believe because I say so, yet I so desperately want to.

Detach from drama. Detach, detach, detach.  Nope not working, still fuming, still wanting to stomp my foot and say CUT IT OUT! But there is no one to listen. They wouldn't hear me even if I screamed it at them.  I know this. 

Deep breath, pause, shake it off...a little better. I tell myself I know the truth.  I do not live a lie.  I am not delusional about the circumstances of my life.  I will not be bullied if even subtly.  I will let go...one day...soon.

It's A Sad Day When...

It's a sad day when you realise all that you could have accomplished in your life has pretty much passed you by.

Don't get me wrong, I had plenty of opportunity but circumstance always stood in the way.  I could have gone to post secondary right after high school but I had big plans and that wasn't it.  I could have gone back on several occasions as an adult student but something always came up.  So why do I sit here now all sad about what I should have done?  Because short of winning the lottery there is no way in hell I could make that kind of commitment.

I work as an "Office Manager" sounds OK, but what it boils down to is I do all the crap jobs no one else wants and for less pay than I know I'm worth.  I have tried to make lateral changes when opportunities arise here but I work with 11 men and believe me when I say "it's a mans world here".  Recently I've been invited to take part in the annual strategic planning meeting we have but other than that I'm the company mushroom. (Kept in the dark and fed crap all day).

When I had my last review my boss told me I'm pretty much at the top of my pay scale for this size company and the position.  Fine.  All that tells me is if I want to improve my financial picture I have to move on.  Problem is all the crap that goes along with it.  Looking for a new job, updating my resume, you can't just say "tell me what you want done and I'll do it." references, that's a killer I don't know anyone who is still with my previous employers or how to find them, I didn't keep in touch.  Then there's the whole three month probation period where you're paranoid they are not going to like you as much as they thought they would.  Oh, and benefits, there's a fun switch. 

The positive would be hopefully more money and the potential for advancement.  The problem is at my age I need to start somewhere close to the top but without the ever elusive degree or designation I'm screwed.  There are allot of CGA, CA, and CMA's out there looking for work as well and they would certainly be chosen over me hands down.  So do I go back to school? Can't, I can't afford it.  Do I start job hunting again? Why I would only end up doing pretty much what I do now with the potential of working with people I really don't like. 

Yup, a sad day indeed.  A sad week, month, year, decade...lifetime.  Well, at least I have my health right?  Unfortunately it doesn't pay the bills, not directly anyway. To be self employed would be nice, be my own boss but what would I do? More so I would really miss my extended health considering my son's medication is about $100.00 a month it's really nice to not have to pay for it.  So I'll sit and day dream about winning Lotto Max and never having to work again, all the while plugging away at my pathetic paying dead end job.

I've enjoyed my little pity party, guess I'll get back to work...or not.

With much love, light and I think I need inspiration,
Tammy.