Today my thoughts turn to my son, he's a great kid with even greater challenges.
He is severe ADHD with LD and a whole bunch of other letters thrown in for good measure. He has been medicated since December 2004 when he was in grade one. The first day on his medication I had my son back. We had been for at least three years trying to figure out what was "wrong" with him. And truthfully when a friend suggested that he might be ADHD (as her son was and she saw the similarities) I wanted to slap her. How dare she? Of course I had really no clue how ADHD worked, the reason it exists and how it's treated. My sister was ADHD as a kid, and back then they called it hyperactive. Growing up with a sibling like that is difficult, it takes a world of understanding and I really didn't want to go down that road again.
No choice. That's what he has and we work with it best we can. His medication helps, at least he can manage. What gets me is when he is expected to act "normal" for him ADHD is normal and the medication only helps him feel more in control, more focused. He is about 3 years behind in maturity, and doesn't act or think like a typical 11 yr old right now I would say he acts 8 maybe 9 yrs old.
We are living in a new home with a "step-father" figure and "step-siblings" the children of the "step-father". My son is very impulsive and most times acts or speaks without thinking, this is typical ADHD behaviour. My partner decided that is was his place to step in and discipline my son when he steps out of line. My partner has "rules" that must be obeyed by all the kids and there is no room for compromise apparently. Personally I think these rules are designed to set the kids up to fail, my son in particular. The consequence to this failure is they are no longer aloud to live in our house. I disagree with this whole heartedly and have expressed this to my partner. After all, it is my house too.
There have been a few what I would call minor incidents were my partner has taken it upon himself to discipline my son, and I don't like it. As a bio-parent it is my job to deal with my kids. I do not discipline his kids, and more so I don't in an attempt to show him I want the same respect in return. He has gone so far as to accuse me of not disciplining my son and lying. Well, as I mentioned yesterday in my blog about love, when you hurt the one you love you damage their love for you, you lessen it by a degree. And it takes work to replenish that degree.
Because of my sons condition, I know I am on top of his behaviour more than i feel necessary (even though some may disagree). There are times when my son is maybe being too loud (he has volume control issues) or constantly talking or just being generally annoying, while I really don't have a problem with this, as I have had 11 years to get used to it, my partner is less patient and thinks he's an expert in parenting and dealing with all children because after all, all children should be dealt with the same way. Again I whole heartedly disagree. You can not deal with an ADHD child as you would a "normal" child. They do not process information the same way, and lecturing an ADHD child is like lecturing the toilet for being dirty. In one ear out the other. The best way is to re-direct focus to change the behaviour. And at times, yelling helps, that gets through, that tells him I mean business. So yes, I yell at my son when all else fails. It works.
My son had a huge amount of respect and affection for my partner in the beginning. That has changed since we bought our house. He likes his interaction with my partners kids, but is stressed that he's going to do something to anger my partner and I'm going to get hurt. I have assured him that this won't happen, that my partner isn't a violent or abusive person, but my son is still leery. Blending families is a huge task, and there will always be someone who doesn't buy in. In this case both my children are unhappy because they have witnessed my partner "blowing a gasket", because he thought he was justified. About this I am torn, because my children are my priority but my relationship is important too. So I do my best to make sure there is peace in our home. Sometimes I fail.
My son's ADHD comes with LD (learning disability). He has difficulty understanding and processing information or verbal instructions. He can read something and it's just words, no meaning. You can explain something an it doesn't stick. However if you show him a picture it sticks. He's very visual, with almost a photographic memory. He reads at a grade two level, he's in grade six, so you can imagine his embarrassment when asked to read out loud. He is very aware of his LD and thinks everyone thinks he's stupid, even me. I have tried to instill in him I don't think that but he's made up his mind. ADHD kids can be stubborn and "hyper-focused" which can also cause problems. He gets accused of "not listening" but the truth is, he listens he just doesn't store. The connections are not made. I get that, my partner doesn't and thinks he's just a bad kid.
ADHD is not fair. It's a condition that can rip families apart, it did mine, my ex-husband and I fought about our son all the time, he felt I was too easy on him, I felt he was too hard on him. There was no middle ground that we could find in order to agree. It's wasn't just the ADHD that came between us, we had our own problems, much bigger than ADHD. My daughter through all this was caught in the middle and was forced to make sacrifices because of it. Even now, because she is older, we have asked her to be responsible for her brother, a huge task for a 12 1/2 yr old. She's so mature for her age, but I know at times she wishes she were an only child. Sometimes I can't blame her, I felt the same about my ADHD sister.
The saving grace in all this is, my son will either out grow ADHD or he will learn to control it without medication as he gets older. My sister is probably the most laid back person I know. She needs to keep busy, but you would never know she was ADHD. My ex was likely ADHD when he was a kid, and now he's a type A personality, always on the go, can't stand being idle. Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover, Home Edition is a huge ADHD advocate as you guessed it he's ADHD, and you can certainly tell by the energy he has. Statistics show that 65% of ADHD kids, continue to present "features" of ADHD as adults, the trick is focusing on the positive features.
Through all this my son is still a very loving, kind, funny, creative and talented kid. Sometimes his medication causes loss of appetite so he's skinny, and sometimes he can't sleep because he can't rest his mind, so he takes melatonin at night, it helps. He pediatrician explained it this way. Take all the thoughts and feelings and stored information in you brain, and picture a tornado spinning all that information around constantly. Now, reach into the tornado and grab something anything. That's ADHD, good luck. That really put it into perspective. The medication stops the tornado, but leaves the mess you see after one. Yah, good luck.
I love those parents who criticize the medical system for medicating ADHD kids. I could send them my son un-medicated and I bet you they change their tune. If your child was Diabetic, would you give them insulin? Or had a heart condition, or how about asthma? Would you not want them to feel better? And if it meant giving them medication wouldn't you do it? I would. One thing that we try not to think about and hope never happens is one of the worst side effects of his medication is sudden death. Pretty scary, when he takes it every day. Now the incident that lead to this warning was caused when children with heart defects were prescribed ADHD medication which by all accounts is a stimulant. Odd yes, but it has the opposite effect on true ADHD kids. Anyone else would be bouncing off the walls. It is a registered narcotic with the Canadian Government, so this is serious medication. Typically, ADHD kids require 5 - 15 mg my son needs 60 mg to have any affect. More than that and he's in a depressed state. The thing is you don't know how much they will need you work up in 5mg increments until you find the right dose.
I would love to have a "normal" child I would love to not have to give him medication but without it he's out of control, and he doesn't like that feeling. Also he ends up getting into trouble when he hasn't had it. The ironic thing is when he spent time with his grandparents this past summer, his grandmother said she thought he was very well behaved and didn't give them any trouble, and wondered if he needed his medication after all. Um, he was well behaved because he was medicated. They didn't try not giving it to him to see if it made a difference. I just shook my head and explained that, it's new medication that he's on and it's better than the last one.
My son is my joy, and I want him to grow up to be a happy well adjusted successful adult, I am scared to death that he's going to hook up with the wrong crowd, ADHD kids tend to gravitate towards the wrong crowd. I used to joke when he was really young, before we knew about his ADHD that we were saving for our daughter's college education and our son's bail, not much of a joke anymore as we approach high school. He started middle school this year, and is still very much an "Innocent" I would love for him to stay that way, but he'd get beat up in high school if he did, or worse, labeled by his peers a "baby" and he hates being called a baby. Even if he assumes that's what you might be thinking, he gets so defensive. The problem is sometimes he does act like a baby, probably for attention, or if his medication has worn off and he's acting ADHD.
I would love it if there were a cure, but researchers need to focus on far more serious illnesses and ADHD is manageable. I look forward to the day, my son says to me, "mom, I don't need my medication today, I can manage" I pray that day will come sooner than later, but even if it doesn't I will still love him with all the fierceness in my heart. Maybe that's enough.
With much love and light.
Tammy.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Love.
I have given allot of thought to what to write about today and I think love is a great topic because it's so broad and yet so limited.
When I was in high school I recall being told the definition of love is..."when you put the wants and needs of another before your own wants and needs". A lovely sentiment but really when does that ever happen? OK maybe a parent (yes mom or dad) will put their child's needs before there own. Really I do think a parents love for their child is the purest form of love, except when the parent is using the child for a self-serving purpose.
You see and hear it all the time, it can be as disgusting as a parent sexually abusing their child, or as subtle as a parent preventing the child from growing up because the parent doesn't want to let go. That can be just as damaging to a child as what an abusive parent can inflict. Our job is to ensure our children grow up to be strong, healthy vital members of society. And feeding on their insecurities because of our own will cause them to grow to be co-dependant with low self-esteem and self-worth, which is probably why so many of us don't really understand what love truly means or is. To coddle a child for too long is a detriment to their development and is only self-serving to the parent who feels this is appropriate.
I have been accused of coddling my own child, and it was a slap in the face. A reality check, and after some pondering I realised it was true and I was not helping my child to grow up rather playing on the fact that he still needed his "mommy". It is a difficult thing to let my baby grow up but I know it's necessary, so I am in the process of letting go. This, I don't expect to happen over night, but I do hope it happens in such a way that it instills in me a sense of joy and pride (there's that self-serving side) that I have done a good job of raising him and letting go.
Which brings me back to "love". How can someone claim to love when they hold onto so much hate? And by holding on I mean, focusing on all the bad things that have happened to them in their lives like some strange blanket that covers them holds them prisoner to it and will not be pulled back. I find it interesting when people say, I have let go, yet still act and speak as though they haven't. If you have let go, then there is no need to continuously remind anyone who would listen about the travesties you have endured. Do you enjoy listening to others go on and on about their problems? Do you feel jealousy when someone you know is happy or in a place of personal peace? If you take comfort in people who only focus on their problems and are jealous of those who have moved on or are happy, then you enjoy wallowing in your misery and you have NOT let go. LIAR!
You know that saying "misery loves company"? Well truer words have not been spoken in my opinion. When you focus so intently on your problems and your "victim hood" that's what you are constantly manifesting. How can you possibly expect love to come to you? Love is a positive thing, it does not find comfort with misery. That would be a contradiction, unless of course you "love misery" then hey, there's probably no hope for you, so give up trying and stop wasting your time. Harsh? You bet.
The thing is if you want to receive love you have to be willing to give love. Sometimes we give love and we don't get it in return. That's not because we have done something wrong, if your intentions a pure and without personal gain, you should by all accounts receive love. If you don't, then maybe your misdirecting it. That individual does not love you back, let it go, you cannot force someone to love you, that's so fundamentally wrong. If you are so fortunate to have someone love you back (not your children) then you are "right loving". IF someone loves you with all their heart and you turn your back on them because you don't love them, is that wrong? When it's the other way around we think it is. So why not when we no longer love? Because we are self-serving.
In my marriage, I loved my husband. He admitted to me that he didn't think he was capable of love, because he didn't feel he was loved by his parents. That's sad. As a parent I know a parents love can be so endless for their child, yet he feels he did not experience this with his parents. Is he broken or are they? Who knows, all I know is I never truly felt he loved me the way a husband should. The love of a child is unconditional, the love you experience with others has conditions, undeniably. There is no way anyone can tell me that they love another human (not their child) unconditionally. Only God and dogs are capable of this, which might be why dog is God spelt backwards. When we wish for true love we should not be so naive to think it does not come with conditions. BUT you can attain unconditional love however you must first love unconditionally. You are capable, you do it with your children. Use that as your template, as your guide.
Any new relationship comes with the "roller coaster" feeling, is that love? It's probably fear and excitement somewhat like what you would experience on a real roller coaster. After a time this feeling disappears. Why? Well here's a theory. Early on in a relationship we are discovering everything there is to know about the other person and vice verse, to not risk loosing the relationship we act a certain way, mostly accommodating. Then after a time, we settle into a routine, sometimes sooner sometimes later, it depends on the individuals involved. Then an issue arises, and one "lover" decides it's now OK to say how they really feel or what they really think about this issue. The other "lover" may be taken aback by this and in defence may also feel they can say what they really think. It's not that they weren't being honest with each other in the beginning, they were just avoiding sensitive issues that might destroy this new fragile relationship. So what happens? Lover 1 says something to hurt Lover 2's feelings, lover 2 retaliates and says something back, you know how it goes. Now tell me this do you think these two lovers still have the same degree of love for each other? Or has it now been reduced a degree? I suppose it depends on how strongly they feel about the issue. Either way, we slowly sabotage our relationship every time we hurt our lover.
Does that mean we shouldn't discuss issues? NO not at all, just approach the issue like you don't want to damage your relationship. Be mindful that what you say may hurt the one you love. Choose your words carefully, DO NOT lay blame or accuse. Approach it with a solution in mind, and use the all important "I" statements. Love isn't designed to hurt, so why do people assume it does? It's not the love that hurts, it's the loss. LOSS hurts like hell. Loss of a loved one to death, the loss of a relationship, lost love. Love feels great, loss hurts, this is your mantra for today. If you don't want to loose your love, work hard to prevent the loss. In a marriage when one spouse decides they don't love their husband or wife, it's going to hurt the other spouse, because of the loss of love, not because of the love.
So why on earth would we subject ourselves to the possibility of such hurt? Well, human nature I suppose. When we are raised in a loving home by loving parents it's the most natural thing to want that to continue that trend throughout our lives. When we are raised in a home that is devoid of love, we crave it and in most cases to devastating ends. My ex-husband is a great example of "wrong love". He feels he is incapable of real love because of his upbringing, I was raised in a very loving environment. I feel I know what "right love" is and truly hoped I could teach him and that he would be a willing student but life happened and it didn't work out as I hoped. I still love my ex-husband, he's the father of our children, and for that I will always love him, HOWEVER, I am not in love with him, because he is not in love with me I have let go. It must be two sided to work. Oh and as side note, there are still times were I absolutely loathe the ground he walks on because of the hurt due to loss, but I let it go.
So when we wish for love what are we really wishing for? And does our current behaviour towards others manifest love to us? If not then don't bother asking because you're not going to get it, and further more what makes you think you deserve it? You can't let go of your misery, why would God, grant you someone to make miserable? How is that fare to the poor soul? What have YOU done to think you are so deserving? Why are you in a position to want this so badly when lo and behold you might have turned your back on love you were already given? Have you taken the gift God granted you and threw it away? What makes you think you deserve another one, maybe one that fits your ideals of what's right for you, and not Gods? Do you think He messed it up the last time? "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" (Mat 27:46-50 NIV) Look in the mirror, it's the other way around, NO MATTER how much you pray.
The moral of this blog is, if unconditional love is what you are asking to receive, you must first give it unconditionally. Do not think vengeful thoughts towards others, because vengeance will rain down on you. Do not hold onto your misery and victim hood, because you will only receive misery and be victimized. Do not continually wallow in the horrors of your past, as it is done and cannot be relived except in your wallowing. Look to the future with all the love in your heart, love towards fellow man, to mother earth and ultimately to God and the universe, because they love you back UNCONDITIONALLY. Or at least they will if you just LET GO.
With much love and light.
Tammy.
When I was in high school I recall being told the definition of love is..."when you put the wants and needs of another before your own wants and needs". A lovely sentiment but really when does that ever happen? OK maybe a parent (yes mom or dad) will put their child's needs before there own. Really I do think a parents love for their child is the purest form of love, except when the parent is using the child for a self-serving purpose.
You see and hear it all the time, it can be as disgusting as a parent sexually abusing their child, or as subtle as a parent preventing the child from growing up because the parent doesn't want to let go. That can be just as damaging to a child as what an abusive parent can inflict. Our job is to ensure our children grow up to be strong, healthy vital members of society. And feeding on their insecurities because of our own will cause them to grow to be co-dependant with low self-esteem and self-worth, which is probably why so many of us don't really understand what love truly means or is. To coddle a child for too long is a detriment to their development and is only self-serving to the parent who feels this is appropriate.
I have been accused of coddling my own child, and it was a slap in the face. A reality check, and after some pondering I realised it was true and I was not helping my child to grow up rather playing on the fact that he still needed his "mommy". It is a difficult thing to let my baby grow up but I know it's necessary, so I am in the process of letting go. This, I don't expect to happen over night, but I do hope it happens in such a way that it instills in me a sense of joy and pride (there's that self-serving side) that I have done a good job of raising him and letting go.
Which brings me back to "love". How can someone claim to love when they hold onto so much hate? And by holding on I mean, focusing on all the bad things that have happened to them in their lives like some strange blanket that covers them holds them prisoner to it and will not be pulled back. I find it interesting when people say, I have let go, yet still act and speak as though they haven't. If you have let go, then there is no need to continuously remind anyone who would listen about the travesties you have endured. Do you enjoy listening to others go on and on about their problems? Do you feel jealousy when someone you know is happy or in a place of personal peace? If you take comfort in people who only focus on their problems and are jealous of those who have moved on or are happy, then you enjoy wallowing in your misery and you have NOT let go. LIAR!
You know that saying "misery loves company"? Well truer words have not been spoken in my opinion. When you focus so intently on your problems and your "victim hood" that's what you are constantly manifesting. How can you possibly expect love to come to you? Love is a positive thing, it does not find comfort with misery. That would be a contradiction, unless of course you "love misery" then hey, there's probably no hope for you, so give up trying and stop wasting your time. Harsh? You bet.
The thing is if you want to receive love you have to be willing to give love. Sometimes we give love and we don't get it in return. That's not because we have done something wrong, if your intentions a pure and without personal gain, you should by all accounts receive love. If you don't, then maybe your misdirecting it. That individual does not love you back, let it go, you cannot force someone to love you, that's so fundamentally wrong. If you are so fortunate to have someone love you back (not your children) then you are "right loving". IF someone loves you with all their heart and you turn your back on them because you don't love them, is that wrong? When it's the other way around we think it is. So why not when we no longer love? Because we are self-serving.
In my marriage, I loved my husband. He admitted to me that he didn't think he was capable of love, because he didn't feel he was loved by his parents. That's sad. As a parent I know a parents love can be so endless for their child, yet he feels he did not experience this with his parents. Is he broken or are they? Who knows, all I know is I never truly felt he loved me the way a husband should. The love of a child is unconditional, the love you experience with others has conditions, undeniably. There is no way anyone can tell me that they love another human (not their child) unconditionally. Only God and dogs are capable of this, which might be why dog is God spelt backwards. When we wish for true love we should not be so naive to think it does not come with conditions. BUT you can attain unconditional love however you must first love unconditionally. You are capable, you do it with your children. Use that as your template, as your guide.
Any new relationship comes with the "roller coaster" feeling, is that love? It's probably fear and excitement somewhat like what you would experience on a real roller coaster. After a time this feeling disappears. Why? Well here's a theory. Early on in a relationship we are discovering everything there is to know about the other person and vice verse, to not risk loosing the relationship we act a certain way, mostly accommodating. Then after a time, we settle into a routine, sometimes sooner sometimes later, it depends on the individuals involved. Then an issue arises, and one "lover" decides it's now OK to say how they really feel or what they really think about this issue. The other "lover" may be taken aback by this and in defence may also feel they can say what they really think. It's not that they weren't being honest with each other in the beginning, they were just avoiding sensitive issues that might destroy this new fragile relationship. So what happens? Lover 1 says something to hurt Lover 2's feelings, lover 2 retaliates and says something back, you know how it goes. Now tell me this do you think these two lovers still have the same degree of love for each other? Or has it now been reduced a degree? I suppose it depends on how strongly they feel about the issue. Either way, we slowly sabotage our relationship every time we hurt our lover.
Does that mean we shouldn't discuss issues? NO not at all, just approach the issue like you don't want to damage your relationship. Be mindful that what you say may hurt the one you love. Choose your words carefully, DO NOT lay blame or accuse. Approach it with a solution in mind, and use the all important "I" statements. Love isn't designed to hurt, so why do people assume it does? It's not the love that hurts, it's the loss. LOSS hurts like hell. Loss of a loved one to death, the loss of a relationship, lost love. Love feels great, loss hurts, this is your mantra for today. If you don't want to loose your love, work hard to prevent the loss. In a marriage when one spouse decides they don't love their husband or wife, it's going to hurt the other spouse, because of the loss of love, not because of the love.
So why on earth would we subject ourselves to the possibility of such hurt? Well, human nature I suppose. When we are raised in a loving home by loving parents it's the most natural thing to want that to continue that trend throughout our lives. When we are raised in a home that is devoid of love, we crave it and in most cases to devastating ends. My ex-husband is a great example of "wrong love". He feels he is incapable of real love because of his upbringing, I was raised in a very loving environment. I feel I know what "right love" is and truly hoped I could teach him and that he would be a willing student but life happened and it didn't work out as I hoped. I still love my ex-husband, he's the father of our children, and for that I will always love him, HOWEVER, I am not in love with him, because he is not in love with me I have let go. It must be two sided to work. Oh and as side note, there are still times were I absolutely loathe the ground he walks on because of the hurt due to loss, but I let it go.
So when we wish for love what are we really wishing for? And does our current behaviour towards others manifest love to us? If not then don't bother asking because you're not going to get it, and further more what makes you think you deserve it? You can't let go of your misery, why would God, grant you someone to make miserable? How is that fare to the poor soul? What have YOU done to think you are so deserving? Why are you in a position to want this so badly when lo and behold you might have turned your back on love you were already given? Have you taken the gift God granted you and threw it away? What makes you think you deserve another one, maybe one that fits your ideals of what's right for you, and not Gods? Do you think He messed it up the last time? "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" (Mat 27:46-50 NIV) Look in the mirror, it's the other way around, NO MATTER how much you pray.
The moral of this blog is, if unconditional love is what you are asking to receive, you must first give it unconditionally. Do not think vengeful thoughts towards others, because vengeance will rain down on you. Do not hold onto your misery and victim hood, because you will only receive misery and be victimized. Do not continually wallow in the horrors of your past, as it is done and cannot be relived except in your wallowing. Look to the future with all the love in your heart, love towards fellow man, to mother earth and ultimately to God and the universe, because they love you back UNCONDITIONALLY. Or at least they will if you just LET GO.
With much love and light.
Tammy.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Hmmmm were to start.
So I started writing all this down in a wire bound note book and the working title was "Random Thoughts, A Computer Less Blog" then I realised, well that's not really the point of a blog and so I decided to jump in with both feet and start my own blog. I must say my inspiration came from a very unlikely source (you know how you are).
My random thought for today, or rather a question that really needs answering!
Why do some people drive as though they don't know were they are going?
This morning as I was driving to work I encountered an individual waiting in a left hand turning lane for his chance to turn. As I approached the intersection on his right he decided that he didn't actually want to turn left after all and pulled through the intersection next to me. Luckily I was in the far right lane and while I thought this was a little unsafe didn't really worry too much about it.
So we continue along and this guy is obviously in a hurry because he races ahead in order to pull into my lane. Fine, I'm not in a hurry so hey, have at 'er. The driver of this car is, from what I can tell, a young man probably really early 20's not that it matters, but were he ends up going makes sense. The green N that should be displayed is tucked in under his license plate with barely a sliver showing. So as it appears at this time he's headed in the same direction as I and makes the same right hand turn I do. Only he hops into the left lane as he turns, then seeing that traffic is a little slower in that lane moves back into the right lane. Now I'm thinking this guy is really confused. As we reach the bottom of the hill we are travelling down, the right lane splits into a right hand merge lane to take you specifically to the university in the area and that's the way he turns.
So now this has led to my query. Where was he thinking he was going when he was thinking he needed to make a left turn then changed his mind? Was he on his way to pick up a fellow student perhaps and got a text that it wasn't necessary? Not that it's any of my business what was going on, but ya, it made me wonder. When I set out in my mini-van (yeah I'm a mom) I generally have a route planned out. There has been the odd occasion were I will redirect and I'm sure the person behind me is wondering what I'm up too, but it's not like this is some anomaly it happens all this time to anyone on their path. I guess it makes me wonder, how in a split second our plans can change and that we can do one of two things; react or not react.
Life is so much like that, we spend a large part of it reacting while what we should be doing is trying to take a proactive position. Sometimes this isn't possible, things change due to circumstances beyond our control and we just react. But it's that reaction that sets in motion future events, so why not react in such a way that those events are a benefit and not detrimental.
We create our existence. We have that control, we can allow others to dictate what we do, that's our choice. When a couple marry, there is an understanding that their lives are now "one" I whole heartedly disagree with this. By buying into this theory, someone in the relationship ends up relinquishing control of the life they have only just started creating for themselves. The idea of merging to lives into one is a romantic notion designed to entice us into such unions or "partnerships". To have an equal marriage or partnership is rare, and if that's what you have then great! Keep it up. I don't think there would be a divorce statistic if this ideal actually worked. What were we thinking? When you look back through time, back to the stone age were the caveman club a potential mate over the head an dragged her by the hair back to the cave, have we change? Metaphorically no.
When I decided to leave my marriage, I basically decided to take back my life. To no longer be "told" what I should think or do. This was not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination, and I knew that for years before I finally made the decision to end it. I decided that I could not see myself growing old and still likeing this individual and I wasn't going to waste another second on a lost cause. (*note we tried counciling but he decided there was nothing wrong with our marriage and ended the "unnessessary expense") Afterwards, I was accused of putting him on a different path. Well, sorry, but that's too bad. I had been dragged by the hair down his path to his cave long enough. If he found himself on a different path then he can make of it what he wants. I am no longer responsible for his life, any more than he is responsible for mine. (the kids are a whole other matter)
I can see how this can be very destructive, because we "react" we should always be looking at it from a proactive angle. What if when I got married I told my husband before we married "I have a plan for how I want my existence here on this planet to matter" He would have probably said ya OK whatever. And gone on with his "plan" because he knew he would just change it anyway. It's like thinking if you marry someone you can change them. We all know this isn't true yet we hold out hope somehow it is possible, the silly fools we are.
There are events in a persons life that will have a huge impact and change their perspective, but to change who we are at the core is a personal journey and one that you must be willing to accept and take control and ownership of. In essence we are all victims, we are victims of the circumstance of our very own lives, of what we create. We constantly put ourselves in this position because it's the easiest way to not take ownership. "It's not my fault because..." how many times in a day do we say this? We've done it since we were kids to avoid getting into trouble. But what we are setting ourselves up for is exactly what we are trying to avoid, trouble.
How did my random thought today evolve to this point? How did one individual changing his direction set in motion a series of events that may forever change his path or have absolutely no effect at all? I will never know, but it set in motion my self evaluation, and possibly a little perspective as well.
I believe life is not so much about paths but more so like a tree. We have our roots, planted firmly where we come from. The trunk represents ourselves and our beliefs, how thick your trunk is represents how strongly you defend or feel your beliefs, the branches are your paths, yes plural, they criss-cross and intertwine, sometimes they thin out to the tiniest point and you have to jump to the next branch something a little thicker and supportive, and finally the leaves, these represent the lives you affect and the lives that are a part of you, your tree can be as sparse as you wish or a full as you need, it's your tree, create it how you see it.
My tree is a huge solid Oak with it's roots planted firmly at the top of a rolling hill, it has many branches and thousands of leaves! Not that I know thousands of people, I don't but what I do know is that my actions as small as they may seem, can ultimately effect so many people without my knowledge. And knowing that, I am careful that my actions only serve a higher purpose. Sure I falter, we all do, but being aware is half the battle.
Today, I'm going to be proactive about something before I need to "react", right now I don't know what that is, but I hope I recognise the opportunity when it presents itself.
Take care of YOU so you can take care of those you care about!
With much love and light,
Tammy.
My random thought for today, or rather a question that really needs answering!
Why do some people drive as though they don't know were they are going?
This morning as I was driving to work I encountered an individual waiting in a left hand turning lane for his chance to turn. As I approached the intersection on his right he decided that he didn't actually want to turn left after all and pulled through the intersection next to me. Luckily I was in the far right lane and while I thought this was a little unsafe didn't really worry too much about it.
So we continue along and this guy is obviously in a hurry because he races ahead in order to pull into my lane. Fine, I'm not in a hurry so hey, have at 'er. The driver of this car is, from what I can tell, a young man probably really early 20's not that it matters, but were he ends up going makes sense. The green N that should be displayed is tucked in under his license plate with barely a sliver showing. So as it appears at this time he's headed in the same direction as I and makes the same right hand turn I do. Only he hops into the left lane as he turns, then seeing that traffic is a little slower in that lane moves back into the right lane. Now I'm thinking this guy is really confused. As we reach the bottom of the hill we are travelling down, the right lane splits into a right hand merge lane to take you specifically to the university in the area and that's the way he turns.
So now this has led to my query. Where was he thinking he was going when he was thinking he needed to make a left turn then changed his mind? Was he on his way to pick up a fellow student perhaps and got a text that it wasn't necessary? Not that it's any of my business what was going on, but ya, it made me wonder. When I set out in my mini-van (yeah I'm a mom) I generally have a route planned out. There has been the odd occasion were I will redirect and I'm sure the person behind me is wondering what I'm up too, but it's not like this is some anomaly it happens all this time to anyone on their path. I guess it makes me wonder, how in a split second our plans can change and that we can do one of two things; react or not react.
Life is so much like that, we spend a large part of it reacting while what we should be doing is trying to take a proactive position. Sometimes this isn't possible, things change due to circumstances beyond our control and we just react. But it's that reaction that sets in motion future events, so why not react in such a way that those events are a benefit and not detrimental.
We create our existence. We have that control, we can allow others to dictate what we do, that's our choice. When a couple marry, there is an understanding that their lives are now "one" I whole heartedly disagree with this. By buying into this theory, someone in the relationship ends up relinquishing control of the life they have only just started creating for themselves. The idea of merging to lives into one is a romantic notion designed to entice us into such unions or "partnerships". To have an equal marriage or partnership is rare, and if that's what you have then great! Keep it up. I don't think there would be a divorce statistic if this ideal actually worked. What were we thinking? When you look back through time, back to the stone age were the caveman club a potential mate over the head an dragged her by the hair back to the cave, have we change? Metaphorically no.
When I decided to leave my marriage, I basically decided to take back my life. To no longer be "told" what I should think or do. This was not a healthy relationship by any stretch of the imagination, and I knew that for years before I finally made the decision to end it. I decided that I could not see myself growing old and still likeing this individual and I wasn't going to waste another second on a lost cause. (*note we tried counciling but he decided there was nothing wrong with our marriage and ended the "unnessessary expense") Afterwards, I was accused of putting him on a different path. Well, sorry, but that's too bad. I had been dragged by the hair down his path to his cave long enough. If he found himself on a different path then he can make of it what he wants. I am no longer responsible for his life, any more than he is responsible for mine. (the kids are a whole other matter)
I can see how this can be very destructive, because we "react" we should always be looking at it from a proactive angle. What if when I got married I told my husband before we married "I have a plan for how I want my existence here on this planet to matter" He would have probably said ya OK whatever. And gone on with his "plan" because he knew he would just change it anyway. It's like thinking if you marry someone you can change them. We all know this isn't true yet we hold out hope somehow it is possible, the silly fools we are.
There are events in a persons life that will have a huge impact and change their perspective, but to change who we are at the core is a personal journey and one that you must be willing to accept and take control and ownership of. In essence we are all victims, we are victims of the circumstance of our very own lives, of what we create. We constantly put ourselves in this position because it's the easiest way to not take ownership. "It's not my fault because..." how many times in a day do we say this? We've done it since we were kids to avoid getting into trouble. But what we are setting ourselves up for is exactly what we are trying to avoid, trouble.
How did my random thought today evolve to this point? How did one individual changing his direction set in motion a series of events that may forever change his path or have absolutely no effect at all? I will never know, but it set in motion my self evaluation, and possibly a little perspective as well.
I believe life is not so much about paths but more so like a tree. We have our roots, planted firmly where we come from. The trunk represents ourselves and our beliefs, how thick your trunk is represents how strongly you defend or feel your beliefs, the branches are your paths, yes plural, they criss-cross and intertwine, sometimes they thin out to the tiniest point and you have to jump to the next branch something a little thicker and supportive, and finally the leaves, these represent the lives you affect and the lives that are a part of you, your tree can be as sparse as you wish or a full as you need, it's your tree, create it how you see it.
My tree is a huge solid Oak with it's roots planted firmly at the top of a rolling hill, it has many branches and thousands of leaves! Not that I know thousands of people, I don't but what I do know is that my actions as small as they may seem, can ultimately effect so many people without my knowledge. And knowing that, I am careful that my actions only serve a higher purpose. Sure I falter, we all do, but being aware is half the battle.
Today, I'm going to be proactive about something before I need to "react", right now I don't know what that is, but I hope I recognise the opportunity when it presents itself.
Take care of YOU so you can take care of those you care about!
With much love and light,
Tammy.
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