As some of you might have read I posted a blog called My Liberation. This post was removed once I realised that it was done from a place of unbelievable hurt, anger and betrayal. Not a good place to blog from, lesson learned.
So does this open up the possibility for a second chance. Likely, no. I'm the type of person who tries to see the best in people, some times to my detriment. I view the world at times through rose coloured glasses which I chalk down to my Sagittarius nature, we're like that, until they are ripped from our faces and we see the harsh reality we had sugar coated for too long. When this final blow was dealt, I was sent flying and knocked on my ass. I was physically ill by the event that preceded the blog and instead of biting my tongue I let 'er rip without consideration of who it might hurt and that was wrong.
I have in the past and for many various reasons granted second, third and fourth chances. I have also been on the receiving end of said chances. I know I'm too trusting at least right up until there is nothing left to hold my trust. In this particular situation it wasn't so much a betrayal of my trust, more so it was the realisation that I had placed my trust in the wrong hands. Hands that for reasons known only to them, felt it necessary to defamate, accuse and berate someone far closer to me than they are and that my friends is my truth. I will sit and I will watch, and I will be mindful. But openly hurt someone who has no recourse well, watch out. I will defend, I will get nasty, the bitch will raise her head and let you know she's NOT impressed. Take it or leave it but mostly learn from it.
When we do something we shouldn't have as a species we avoid claiming our bad behaviour sighting this excuse or that. I claim mine here and now. I should have bit my tongue but it's too late. It's for the best because this may have escalated completely out of control and ended much much worse. Not that it wasn't bad enough. It's never easy letting go of a relationship no matter how toxic it might be. The way I saw it, I was watching/reading the woes of someone (their personal take on it) and knowing that in most cases the exact opposite was true and I was powerless to do anything about it. One may see themselves as the victim but as the observer I see their position from a different angle and it was all I could do to hold my tongue, over and over and over.
Another lesson I learned is that knowing too much about a situation does not make being neutral easy. There are two sides to every story and there is no way to be neutral for very long when you are constantly bombarded with inconsistencies and half truths. It's exhausting to say the least. To believe one thing, have doubt seeded into your mind then have to make sense of the situation that isn't your situation in the first place can put a sour taste in your mouth. Yet there I was caught in the middle, placed there by me. I volunteered I have no one to blame for my position than myself. I opened myself up and slowly found myself shutting down. It took along time and my patience were tried on many occasion but as I said I choose to see the good in people and I really tried with this person...until the final event.
I'm sorry for trusting, I'm sorry for not having the good sense to steer clear, I'm sorry that this will take me a while to let go. BUT...I am not sorry for speaking my mind and standing up for someone who otherwise would choose not to out of utter fear. A fear I know too well, a fear I face personally on a daily basis. A fear that causes a one to tippy-toe for fear of waking the sleeping lion. A fear the perpetrator will never understand because it does not belong to them it is caused by them.
Another lesson I will take away form this experience is to listen to my friends. I was warned not to open myself up like this. I explained that everyone deserves a second chance and that people can change. What I learned is that no matter how convincing someone is that they have changed or are willing to change, it's impossible to be something you are not. That thinking I could be friends with someone who on more than one occasion set out to destroy what I was so desperately trying to hold on to should have been my first indication that this was not going to work. I was warned about this. Did I listen? Obviously not and for that I'm sorry, lesson learned.
Arms length civility is all I can offer. I will not utter a negative word about this person to those closest to either of us, that serves absolutely no good and it's not fair to drag the innocent through any of this. This person exists as a fog, visible in the distance but vanishes as they approach. I too will be a fog, I will keep a low profile and not make a spectacle, nor will I put myself in a position of being visible. This may be confusing for some to understand but in the long run it is for the best. I would sincerely appreciate the same consideration but I don't expect it.
Seeing this with a clear head I claim the damage my words have done and for that I am sorry. If they had the desired effect (I will never really know). Then I'm not sorry, mission accomplished. All I want is for this person to stop trying to hurt or destroy the one person who will not and can not defend themselves. This person has no idea, (or maybe they do now) the torment that is suffered at their hand. I only ever wanted that to end I only ever wanted this person to see how hurtful they are. That was my only motivation for getting in the middle of this, to create a sense of peace. It didn't work, it only worsened and I really don't think this person can appreciate how difficult this task was for me. I can put on a brave face but the reality was I was living on an eggshell.
I hope this message reaches this person and helps them realise that maybe just maybe they are facilitating pain and suffering for others more so than they see in themselves. We must all be mindful of our thoughts, words and actions. But mostly our words. The pen is mightier than the sword and words wound deeply. I just want this person to understand that their words did just that, and although they may believe what they accused as their reality, I know differently.
I also know that I am a better person for this experience. I know that I will proceed with great caution if faced with a similar situation and I also know my breaking point. I will temper my reaction if in the future I need to react and I will be more tactful in my execution. Anger and angry words are damaging and hurtful and that's really not what I'm about. I forgive this other person for their unfair accusations and blatant defamation of character and I wish them happiness and success and send them off with love and light. The universe can do the rest.
With this blog I put to rest a situation that has weighed heavily on my mind and in my heart. My internal conflict is subsiding and I am letting go. Tonight I will go home and hug my kids and my partner and thank God they are a part of my life.
With much love, light and inner peace.
Tammy.
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