Abusive Relationships

What do we mean when we call someone abusive, well according to Webster's English Dictionary we mean insulting.

abuse: vt to make wrong use of; to mistreat; to inslut, attack verbally. * n misuse; mistreatment; insulting language.
abusive: adj insulting.

Do we deserve to be called abusive? Depends, are we defending ourselves and in the process hurting others with our words or actions? It's a fine line. I'll give you an example of what I mean; this is purely hypothetical.

Here is the situation. Person 1 (1) and person 2 (2) are having a conversation about computer use...

1. I really wish you would spend less time on the computer.
2. What do you care? You're at work all day anyway, what else am I supposed to do?
1. You could try cleaning the house, or making dinner once in a while.
2. Are you saying I do nothing around here?
1. It certainly looks that way to me (looking around at the state of the house)
2. I don't have to take this "abuse" from you.
1. I'm not being abusive, I'm simply stating a fact, you spend all day on the computer, and I come home to a pigsty that I have to clean myself, yet you were home all day.
2. I'm not talking to you about any of this until you can be civilized.
1. I am being civilized, I asked you a question, why can't you answer me?
2. Until you stop being abusive, I won't answer.
1. For the last time, I'm not being abusive, stop calling me abusive.

What starts out as a simple request quickly snowballs into a debate about abuse. Can you see were person 1 is now on the defensive because person 2 feels justified in their motives for being on the computer all day. This scenario can play out with pretty much any situation. Once a conversation escalates to a point were each individual feels they have to defend themselves, then the "abuse" gun is pulled out, and apparently the first person to use it on the other, is now the victim of this so called abuse.

Now if person 1 walked through the door, saw person 2 on the computer and decided they have had enough, and hauls off and hits person 2 without verbal provocation, that's abuse. Getting into a heated debate and defending ones rights without name calling or insults, by definition alone is not abuse, and that's obvious. What we have in most of these cases, is one person bating the other in order to label them abusive. I have had many heated debates with my ex, both before and after we were separated, the only time any of these debates qualified as abuse is when threats were uttered, and when the other person decided they were so mad that they immediately verbally attack the other person (in extreme cases physically attacking) without apparent provocation. There's that word again, how many times have we been provoked into saying something so mean and insulting that the other person calls us abusive? The word abusive means "insulting" so anytime you insult someone you are abusing them. Even if it's unintended, it's apparently still abuse. So then with that are we all guilty? Ya, unless your a saint or the Dahlia Lama then you probably insulted someone else in your life, and by definition abused them.

When we describe our ex-spouse as abusive to others we paint them in a very negative light. You obviously didn't find them abusive when you married them, or you wouldn't have stuck around long enough to let it get that far. (I would hope anyway) When you are first in love, you don't do or say anything to provoke an argument, and you are generally more forgiving if the object of your affection inadvertently insults you, you don't call them abusive, you probably let them know they hurt your feelings and give them a chance to make it up to you. Then why when the relationship is falling apart do we bate our spouse into an argument, take offence and call them abusive because we are insulted? That's very unfair, and under handed. Now, if you were coming home to be demoralized and berated for no apparent reason by your spouse or partner then you are being abused.

Abuse goes both ways for men and women, yes women. We are not incapable of demoralizing our spouses, berating them, making them feel worthless for not making enough money, or not buying all the nice things the neighbours husband buys his wife. Or how about the husband who is constantly commenting on how much weight his wife has gained, never mind the fact that she has just given birth to their fourth child and it's getting harder and harder to loose the "baby weight". We do it to each other, really in all honesty we do.

We are capable of two things, great love and great hurt. When we set out to intentionally hurt someone else, we are abusive, absolutely. When we are provoked and become defensive we have the capacity to become insulting and by definition abusive. When someone decides they need to label us in order to justify their reason for being deceitful or wanting out of the relationship, and bates us into being insulting and therefore abusive, they have accomplished what the set out to do yet they are seen as the victim and the other person the abuser. That's not right at all, yet so many women use this very tactic to get out of marriages they are no longer happy with. Maybe they met someone else they see as better than their husband, or maybe they just fell out of love. It happens, and to not be able to admit it but to make the other person out to be a monster is very unfair. Who is the real monster here.

When I decided to end my marriage, it was a very peaceful discussion were I simply stated that "I'm done." I explained that there was very little left between us, that all we did was fight, and when we weren't fighting we didn't speak to each other. I couldn't see myself growing old with this person any longer. The thought of being in the relationship a moment more was more than I was going to tolerate. Of course the events leading up to this had me concerned that the next step was going to be physical violence because of an unprovoked incident. But like the grown up I hoped I was, I didn't bate him into an argument in order to call him abusive and have the justification for calling the police to get rid of him once and for all. I simply ended it.

All that being said there is another abuse that needs to be mentioned, and that's sexual abuse. A far nastier type of abuse because the term is used so liberally and is far harder to disprove or deny. Any woman, if crafty enough is capable of entrapping a man into a situation were they can claim sexual abuse. The sad thing is, women who truly are living a life of physical or sexual abuse generally hide it out of fear or embarrassment and usually blame them selves and not there abuser. Then there are the attention seeking women who cry sexual abuse at every opportunity. Or the wife who decides to step it up a notch and accuses her husband of sexual abuse because she knows that will get him out the door with very little resistance. How do you fight something like that? You can't.

We sleep in the same bed (usually) as our husbands, and as any married or any woman who has been in a relationship knows, men have needs. You can probably deny them for a short while, but eventually you have to give in, for all the hounding and badgering you will get, and if you are in a loving committed relationship, you'll come around and give him what he wants and probably enjoy yourself too. However, if you can't stand the ground he walks on and the thought of him touching you makes you want to vomit, then what are you doing in this relationship in the first place. If it's at the point were you are unwilling to be intimate then what's going on in your relationship? Can it be fixed?

You cannot "pretend" to be the dotting loving wife in front of the kids and neighbours and the ice queen in bed. That sends mixed signals to your husband. If your hoping he will go find relief elsewhere so you can claim adultery, then how is that right? Why not grow up, put your big girl dress on and let him know what's going on with you. Why play games and lead him to believe there might be a snowballs chance in hell your marriage can be saved, because I can guarantee that's what he's hoping for. Unless he has a little something on the side, and he's stopped harassing you, in which case if you can't prove it, then you have to go with any of the other abuses you've been working on. As a woman, I am appalled at the behaviour of some women, using sex as a weapon to hurt someone else. Shame on us.

Shame on them for being abusive if in fact they really are. In which case it's not a game, it's very serious and dangerous. I have family members who have been physically abused by their spouses, both women and men (yes I said men) Women can be right nasty and violent. The thing is unless the husband needs medical attention, he will not admit his wife beat the crap out of him no matter how bad it gets. The thought of others finding out about it is far more devastating than the abuse itself. The male family member I'm referring to was able to have her charged because one, he did not lay a hand on her, and two he had witnesses. If it were the other way around all the police would need is her accusing him. That is an injustice right there. Why do we so readily believe the woman? We can be far more manipulative and conniving than men, we know this and we work the system.

The problem is, there are good men out there who have been seriously affected by lying deceitful women who are now so jaded and disheartened by the whole justice system that they just give up. And if there are kids involved that hurts them too. And those nasty horrible lying deceitful woman can sit back and feel justified because she thinks she won. No one wins. The thing is anyone looking at this from the outside can clearly see what is going on but how do you prove it? No one will listen to you because it's none of your business and what proof do you have? In this situation you're guilty until proven innocent and by that time your reputation is so damaged what difference will it make? The abuse label is demoralizing.

My heart breaks for victims of abuse. My heart breaks for their loved ones. If you are in an abusive relationship, get out. Don't make excuses, just leave. There are organizations that will help you, if you don't have family close by. If you are a woman, who is wanting to leave an unhappy marriage, think about what you might be doing to make it unhappy. My ex and I have a better relationship now, because I don't continue to accuse him of abuse (yes he was abusive he's not any longer). He can be annoying, but hey can't we all? If you are wanting to leave, and you've tried to make it work, and by that I mean counselling. Then have that heart to heart and let the other person know how you are feeling. They fell in love with you too, they will be hurt, if they don't already expect this, but you'll see it's not as bad as you make it out to be. You will find your peace.

As I type these last few sentences, I feel very emotional. What if I had tried a little harder to be what my husband wanted me to be? Would we still be together? Would our children still have their family intact? Maybe, but I made my decision and for me and my kids it was the right decision. Even now when I think about what we were like together, I know that relationship was damaged beyond repair, by both of us. Remember it takes two to start a fight but one to end it. I am a peace keeper, that's my roll. I will concede defeat to keep the peace. I will be the first to apologize when things go sideways. That's what I do, that's who I am and I'm ok with that. What kind of person are you? Are you an abuser, or the victim of the abuser? I was both, now I am neither because I see they are both wrong.

With much love, light and peace.
Tammy.