Justification.

I have been contemplating this one for a long long while now. Partly because it's one that bothers me to no end.  I'm hoping by putting it out there I will be able to release it to the Universe to be taken care of once and for all.

So, justification.  What does it mean? According to the dictionary

1. Something (such as a fact or circumstance) that shows an action to be reasonable or necessary; "he considered misrule a justification for revolution".[Wordnet]
2. A statement in explanation of some action or belief.[Wordnet]
3. The act of defending or explaining or making excuses for by reasoning; "the justification of barbarous means by holy ends".[Wordnet]
4. The act of justifying or the state of being justified; a showing or proving to be just or conformable to law, justice, right, or duty; defense; vindication; support; as, arguments in justification of the prisoner's conduct; his disobedience admits justification.[Websters]
5. The showing in court of a sufficient lawful reason why a party charged or accused did that for which he is called to answer.[Websters]
6. The act of justifying, or the state of being justified, in respect to God's requirements.[Websters]
7. Adjustment of type by spacing it so as to make it exactly fill a line, or of a cut so as to hold it in the right place; also, the leads, quads, etc., used for making such adjustment.[Websters].

Lots to choose from but what it boils down to is our own personal need to be right.  Now that's a pretty basic summation but that's what I'm needing to get out of my brain at the moment.

When we make a conscious decision to do something life altering we seek out justification for it.  When I decided to leave my ex I justified it by telling myself and everyone who would listen it was because he was mentally abusive.  Now why would I feel a need to justify my actions by saying something like this?  Because I was at the time unwilling to be the blame or the cause of the breakdown of our relationship. 

Over these past almost five years I have come to realise that my marriage did not end because my ex was mentally abusive.  My marriage ended because I was strong enough to see that it was unrepairable and not a healthy environment for my children.  An environment I helped to create.  It takes two.  I was just as guilty of destroying it as he was, of course what I endured at his hand was more than anyone should have to but I persevered for at least six years of the emotional roller coaster until I couldn't take it any more. By doing this I was enabling him.

Why did I feel the need to justify my leaving?  Was someone questioning it?  Anyone who knew us as a couple were very aware of the situation and no one was surprised not even my ex.  We reached a point where there was no fight left so why justify leaving?  Because of my own personal internal doubt.  I still struggle with this I wonder if it was the right decision.  I shouldn't though, I know it was right for me.  Was it right for my kids though?  I don't know that they are any happier now than when their dad and I were together. 

My son asks on a regular basis if he was the cause of the separation.  Of course I tell him no not at all.  I can't have him thinking for one minute he was the cause of the destruction of his family.  It breaks my heart to think he feels it was his fault.  The truth is, it was for him that I ultimately left for both my kids.  I did not grow up in a house where my parents would yell at each other or one at the other on a near daily basis.  Never did I think my parents hated each other and they mustn't because they are still together.

My kids lived in a war zone.  Usually it was their dad flipping out about something and me scrambling to try to fix what we perceived as a screw up on my part.  Most of the time I had no control over what ever it was he was mad about but I got blamed and frankly I was tired of being blamed.  So why bother justifying?  Who would doubt why I left?  I think I did it to make myself feel better about my decision.  It was the hardest longest decision I had ever made it took me six years to get up the courage to actually follow through.  There were several false attempts that were thwarted by one kind word or maybe the realisation on his part that he might have been wrong and admitting it. 

That last night when I finally had the courage to end it, there was no fight.  He simply agreed.  He was done too.  The problem is he still blames me and I him.  There's no denying the relationship was done, who's fault it was remained. It was both our fault I see that now and I no longer have to justify my reason for leaving. I left because that's the choice I made, for both of us.  Am I happier now? Yes. 

I have a new (well not so new anymore) partner and all though we had a very rough start things are good.  At least I know he would do anything for me no matter the request, he's proven that.  With my ex, everything had a condition and you had better have a damn good reason for asking.  My partner rarely questions my decisions, maybe he should, but he trusts me and I trust him.  If there is something major we need to decide we talk, we don't fight about it.  In fact it's been a very long time since we've had a fight of any kind, don't get me wrong we do have our opinions but we don't set out to hurt each other to get our way. It's a very calm rational existence we have together.

I don't need to justify myself or my actions to him.  I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that he will either have my back or let me know why he's opposed and that rarely happens.  I think the need to justify ones actions comes from self doubt or possibly the knowledge that what we are about to do will have a negative impact on those around us, thus the need to justify.  An example would be someone decided to use the last $100.00 in the bank account for something frivolous for themselves and trying to justify it by saying then never get anything good for themselves, they are always sacrificing for someone else and too bad if the phone gets cut off because of it.  (My phone is fine) This is justifying selfish behaviour by claiming to have made sacrifices for others.  Why justify?  Because deep down that person knows that the phone was to be paid and now there's nothing left to make the payment.  Guilt plays a part too. 

I felt guilty for leaving my ex that I had a deep need to justify it.  When the fact of the matter was I didn't need to.  That doesn't mean to say we should never justify our actions what I'm saying is we should consider the action before we proceed and ask ourselves "will I need to justify this?" you will know, because as you are going through the decision making process you will have already justified it to yourself.  Be sure to heavily weigh the final outcome before you make your final decision.  If you do not need justification then it's the right decision.  If someone questions you give them your reason without having to justify and be sure to be fair about it.

I left my husband because it was the right decision for myself and my children. We had created an unhealthy environment for them and ourselves. I saw this and I put a stop to it the only way I knew would. 

Do you see how that statement requires no justification?  I do not need to lay blame, I accept my part and I am comfortable with my decision.  I have a civil relationship with my ex, I know I made the right decision he reminds me every now and then by his actions and behaviour that it was the right choice. 

Finally getting to the root of this makes me realise that my pondering justification is silly.  We justify because of doubt and/or guilt.  Doubt or guilt within and perceived or real doubt from others.  Once we do away with doubt or guilt there is no need to justify.  One thing I have noticed though, we typically justify bad behaviour.  We find we need validation when we are doing something that is less than acceptable. We know better yet we proceed and thus have to justify.  I'm happy to have put this out there and I am going to try to live my life without justification because I shouldn't have to justify myself to anyone.  I am who I am because I am. I do what I do because it's my right decision and I do it without doubt or guilt weighing heavily on my shoulders. I endeavor to do good.


With much love, light and release.
Tammy.