Enablers And The Damage They Do.

Seems an odd statement "enablers and the damage they do" well when you break it down I believe it is accurate and of course I will tell you why.

You see when we are faced with a situation that requires our action or reaction how we respond can have devastating consequence and the only reason for this is because we "enable" it.  We choose to respond and the out come is based on this response.

For example, you are confronted by an individual who is not pleased about something, doesn't matter what just know they are hell bent on a reaction from you.  So what do you do?  Do you get into it with them or do you ignore the behaviour until the individual looses steam and settles down to a state where reason can be dealt.

As an enabler it is solely up to you how you will respond.  It is not in the control of the individual with the issue.  The only thing they control is their own behaviour.  When you enable them you are letting them know that their behaviour is acceptable and justified.  When we are dealing with an individual who is seeking a confrontation their behaviour is generally not acceptable or justifiable.

How is being an enabler damaging?  Well the result of the confrontation generally hurts someone.  It's a snow ball effect because not only is the enabler hurt but there is usually an Innocent third party indirectly hurt by the outcome of the enabled confrontation.  Not to mention that the individual being enabled, they will come to expect it from everyone when they don't get their way therefore creating in themselves a destructive mind set that they will always be enabled thus their bad behaviour escalates.

We have a choice here, we always have a choice.  It takes allot of practice but with time and a calm centred mind you can learn how NOT to be an enabler thus teaching the confrontational individual how NOT to be confrontational.  The next time some one flips out on you, rather than reacting take a step back a deep breath and internally tell your self "I will not get sucked in" Even if the other person is still in the process of flipping out it doesn't matter if you didn't hear everything they have to say you are not to respond to them.  Do not even give them a glimmer of hope that you might get into it with them.

Once they've said their peace, change the subject or walk away.  Do not hang up if it's over the phone, this just fuels the fire.  If they insist on a response (what they are looking for is a reaction) simply say, "That's your view (or opinion or position etc whatever verb works) and you are entitled to it."  Another one liner that usually knocks the wind out of their sales.  "I'm not in a position to discuss this right now."  or "I will get back to you." 

The best is to just not answer at all if you can help it.  Move onto something else.  I've been practicing this with individuals who try to bate me into a confrontation.  It's all in the attitude you present.  Say someone it nattering on about how so in so is doing something to really annoy them and they feel you are responsible for making so in so stop.  Instead of snapping back that so in so is not annoying and that the individual nattering on is being unreasonable thus creating a dialog about so in so that could be hurtful and damaging simply walk away.  DO NOT SAY A WORD in this case.  When a third party is involved do not respond. It's not your fight do not enable it.

When the issue is directed at you or is about you, you need to deflate the situation with a CALM one liner.

For example:

Angry person: "You are selfish and arrogant, I'm really mad at you! All the decisions you make are wrong, you are always wrong I am always right" (doesn't really matter the context of the anger just know this person is really angry)

Wrong Enabler response: "I am not, you're the one who's always wrong, you are selfish for these reasons and I'm the one who suffers for it" (this response opens up the floor now for angry person to escalate the attack).

Enabler non-response: Turn and walk away. 

Angry person: "Don't walk away when I'm talking to you!" (they would be following at this point)

Better Enabler response: "When you actually decide to "TALK" to me we can discuss this." Again turn and walk away or find something to do, tidy up or something distracting.  Take your attention away from the angry person.

Angry person: (Still yelling) "I am trying to talk to you but you keep ignoring me!"

Enabler: "I'm not in the right frame of mind to discuss this." (you are engaging but not responding to the accusations, keep in mind this is WORK)

Angry person: "YOU NEVER ARE!" (so now one of two things could happen here) The angry person will give up and go fume until they calm down or it will continue to escalate until they get what they are after, a confrontation.

Enabler: Firmly BUT calmly "I will NOT discuss this with you right now." (if angry person continues on their rant)

Can you see how differently the out come of both scenarios can be?  Can you see how enabling someone who is angry can only fuel the fire?  Can you see how as an enabler you are causing just as much damage?  Angry person is just that angry.  Anger is an emotion and like all emotions they pass.  One cannot remain in an escalated state of anger for long, it's emotionally and physically draining.  Eventually anger passes.  If you enable the anger you cause it to linger long past it's natural expiry. 

I'm using anger as an example because I feel this is the most damaging emotion and one we all relate to, but we can also enable other behaviours and emotions in others and ourselves.  Yes we can enable reactions in ourselves.  When we see or experience something that "angers" us, we obsess about it, we fuel our own fire. We create in our minds scenarios and out comes that are generally damaging.  We enable our own rage by allowing it to consume us.

Here's one I've experienced recently.  There is a situation I have become aware of and it angers me to no end because of the Innocent people involved (Innocent beyond belief) needless to say the perpetrator has stirred in me an anger that unless I consciously work to let it go will consume me to the point of doing something I will regret.  IF I enable my absolute rage towards this person I would not only hurt myself but several Innocent people who have nothing to do with this.  My choice to enable is going to do more damage than what this individual has done over all. 

So for the sake of my own well being and the well being of several others I WILL NOT ENABLE this anger and rage.  I will let this individual go and I will focus on the person who was hurt by them.  Enabling my anger, indirectly enables and gives substance to their actions.  They do not deserve this, they deserve a good kick in the butt, but I'm not going to be the one who gives it.  I'll leave that to Karma.

With much love, light and becoming a non-enabler.
Tammy.