Faces West

Some of you have been following my daughters start and progress in modeling and this past weekend was a huge step for her and I have had a request to blog about it, so here you go.


This all started Friday October 29th at 2:30pm. That was the time of our meeting with Charles Stuart International Models downtown Vancouver. We were early and it's by appointment only Charles had not arrived yet. So we decided to pop into the Shoppers Drug Mart on the corner. We looked at the high end make-up and chatted about what she would need if this modeling dream of hers pans out. We killed about 15 minutes and headed back up to the third floor where the office was located, as we approached the door I could hear whistling coming from down the hall, it was Charles and at the door to his office we introduced ourselves.


He showed us into his little office which consists of a reception area with a nice black leather couch and love seat, a little coffee table and a flat screen TV hung on the wall. He paused at the DVD player and turned on the TV. He asked us to have a seat and watch a short presentation, we dutifully sat down. Beyond this little reception area is an office with a large glass window looking out into the reception area and this is were Charles disappeared to with a stack of contact sheets.


We watched to DVD it was basically a compilation of the past Faces West Model and Talent Conference video and a few interviews with Coco Rocha. I have mentioned her on my facebook but for the sake of my blog I'll mention her again. She was discovered by Charles Stuart when she was 14. She was in Irish Dance with Charles' daughter when they were kids and as Coco (not her real name BTW) grew taller and taller Charles noticed and asked her if she was interested in modeling and at first she wasn't, well that changed. She convinced her mom to take her to see Charles and he signed her, she was with his agency for a few years before Elite New York signed her and her career took off, currently she holds the number one spot on the super model list.


Needless to say we finished watching the video and moved from the reception area to Charles' office. I had emailed him my daughter's Polaroids but brought in a head shot for him. These were done by her dad the weekend before and were simple head, profile and body shots printed on plain paper, nothing fancy. Charles asked the usual questions, how tall is she, how old, her shoe size, as I blogged before this is important because it gives you a sense of how tall a young teen is going to be. She's a size ten shoe, well currently size ten and eleven, the left side of her body has grown and the right side needs to catch up. He had her place her hands on the desk and was impressed by the length of her fingers.


After taking some additional measurements we moved on to the topic of Faces West. He asked if we would be interested in attending and of course we said yes but my bigger question was "how much would it cost" I loved his reply, he said, "if you sign with my I will sponsor her and it's free." I like the word free but as you will read later, it's not ever 100% free. I looked at my daughter and asked what she thought. We were scheduled to see another agency later that after noon and I mentioned that to Charles, he just shrugged and said it was up to us. We decided to go for it and out came the paper work. We signed a three year contract, standard, and filled out the registration form for Faces West and received our information package and went over the schedule with Charles, he circled the events she would be attending.


Once that was out of the way the topic of pictures came up. Because we needed the pictures for the Conference we wouldn't have time to schedule "creative" which means the photographer doesn't charge for their time or pictures because they are going to use them for their own portfolio, this can mean waiting a couple of months for someone to be available. Charles suggested we use his make-up artist and photographer, the cost would be $200.00 and it would include hair, make-up and wardrobe for three looks, in this industry that's cheep. Considering Stacey Eastman (I blogged about him in an earlier posting) wanted $2,500.00 for the same thing, I was happy to agree to the cost. We had two weekends before the conference to get this done and Charles said he would make the arrangements.



We had hoped for the weekend of October 30th or 31st but the make-up artist and photographer were not available, so we would have to do it the following weekend. He assured me we would have the pictures before the conference. Everything is digital and they would be emailed to me. The photo shoot was scheduled for Sunday November 7th at 1:00pm. The address Charles gave me was for the make-up artist who also happens to be his daughter Fabienne. I was a little unsure of this as it seemed similar to the whole Stacey Eastman thing with him using his wife's company to do the photography. What I was to learn later is this is a tight knit industry and breaking into it if you don't either know someone or are related to someone is very difficult. By the time the photo shoot was done I had no issues with Fabienne doing hair and make-up she did an amazing job so amazing that my daughter was recognised for it. (You'll read about that later).

Fabienne is an actress she has done some local work and you can actually google her and get her profile, Fabienne Quest if your interested. She's a tiny thing, 5'3" and because my daughter is 5'9 1/2" she had to crouch down when Fabienne wanted to touch up her hair or make-up it was quite comical to watch. Being that she is an actress, she's a pro at hair and make-up she is an artist for certain, my daughters make-up was flawless.


The photo shoot was to take place outside at a beach location, it was a very sunny mild day even though it's November we figured it would be fine. Well unfortunately the clouds rolled in and it got cold really quickly and my poor daughter dressed in a short skirt, tights and a thin blouse was freezing her butt off, but you know, she didn't complain one bit even when they had her lie on the ground for a couple of shots and the set up time between shots was painfully long. After a time, the photographer called a friend who is also a photographer to come and help because we were loosing day light and he was worried about running out of time. This particular friend was a God-send for sure. Because he was freezing he suggested we go to his parents studio to finish up, they had a great space that we were able to use and it was in doors. I know my daughter was happy about that, we all were.


We finished up the photo shoot at about 7:00pm and ended up with four looks instead of just three and a couple hundred shots to look though. Because it was a school night and my kids were due to come to my house for the week I couldn't stick around to go through the pictures with Fabienne and Matt, I left it to them to pick out the best and they certainly did. The fifty shots Matt sent me were awesome, I couldn't believe the subject was my little girl, absolutely beautiful. Matt emailed them to me on Monday and Fabienne gave me a list of twenty six to have printed on 8"x12" glossy paper. Costco by the way has the best price for prints of that size, $1.89 each. I took them in on Wednesday night and was told they would be ready Friday morning which was perfect because we didn't need them until Saturday for the Photography Contest at Faces West.


The rest of last week was spent gathering clothing items she would need, shoes were the big issue, it's not easy finding heels that fit her properly and don't hurt her feet. This is a girl who lives in her Converse All-Stars and until the photo shoot she had only tried out my heels around the house. We managed to find a pair that were a good height and comfortable yeah Payless! She also needed runners, these are now serving time as her gym shoes because she's out grown her regular gym shoes. Athletic wear, something form fitting was required and all she had were baggy sweats and big t-shirts, I found Roots yoga pants at Winners and a nice quality tank top at H&M along with a really cute mini skirt. There, clothes and shoes crossed off the list.


Next was make-up, I have my own make-up of course and any of it would have been fine but I wanted her to have her own, this isn't going to be the last time she will need it and getting it now is as good a time as any. One of the major considerations is what ever foundation we get it has to match her skin perfectly and it has to hide her scar, you know, the one from the removal of her birthmark. Well, Shoppers Drug Mart now carries all the high end cosmetics and one of the companies we both like is Benefit, they have a great selection of products. We chose a light concealer and yellow dusting powder. When it's on her scar literally disappears it's a perfect match. I also bought her a set of professional brushes to apply the make-up with. None of this was cheep BUT I had points! And it was 20X the points that night so we worked the totals to maximise my points and we got $60.00 off the total cost, it was still $110.00 but the $60.00 sure helped. She's worth every penny. We got a great eyeshadow, blush and lipstick set from ICING that has so many colours she's pretty much set for a few years.


OK, make-up is now off the list. The rest of the weekend should be a piece of cake, well should be was wishful thinking. There was still the cost of parking at the hotel down town and gas, and we have to eat, there wouldn't be enough time to go home and eat before the next event, oh and I still had to renew my Costco membership and pay for the pictures, and a portfolio to put them in. It's ok though she's worth it and so was this experience. I do have to give a huge thanks to my partner (even though he never reads my blogs) for co-signing a small loan to help pay for this, well this and Christmas, we each took $500.00 from the amount borrowed, and it's a short term thing I plan on having paid off in less than a year but that's a whole other story, anyway none of this wouldn't have happened if it weren't for him. As for my ex, except for paying $100.00 towards the photo shoot he's not contributed a single thing to this. AND he informed me that he wouldn't be either.

So our weekend begins Thursday night at 7:00pm with Runway Practice. This is also when we sign in and she gets her number, she's number 349 in the Females 13 to 19 over 5'8" category, there were 73 girls in this category. She did two practice runs and nailed "the walk" there was a representative from one of the agencies giving pointers and she got "good job, very nice" both times. Of course this is where I take credit, I had already taught her the walk a few weeks back when we returned from the Seattle trip. My training paid off...eventually!


We returned home and prepared for Friday, because of the Remembrance day stat some of the guys at the office decided to take an extra long weekend and because of this I was unable to take Friday off, well as it turned out one of these particular guys did come in and I was able to leave early, we had the Runway Competition that night and I had to go deposit the cheque from the loan we got at the bank so I would have money for the weekend. That was almost a disaster but thanks again to my most wonderful man it was averted, and only because I was so frazzled that I wasn't thinking straight and need him to be the brains behind the operation. So with cash in hand we do our running around and manage to make it back down town with time to spare. The runway competition went off without a hitch, she looked good. We did bring her camera but I was too far away to get a good shot. The big thing that night though was Coco Rocha looking at her book!


I had brought her pictures for Fabienne to look at and pick the best two for the photography competition on Saturday. Fabienne being a close friend of Coco's was sitting next to her and was asking her opinion of the pictures. Coco picked her two favourites, but Fabienne added a third because she just couldn't decide, because we were leaving she suggested we get her dad and a few of his colleagues to have a look and decide after they offer their opinion. Fair enough, Saturday was going to be a full day so we headed home to get some rest.


We were back up and running by 9:00am. We had to be back at the hotel for 11:00am for the sports wear competition, this used to be the bathing suite competition but they changed it years ago. Sports wear is much better, less revealing, or at least not as revealing. Again, no nervousness and all smiles my pretty girls headed down the catwalk with style and grace, and in thirty seconds her participation in that competition was done. We decided to go looking for a proper sized portfolio for her pictures but ended up running home for lunch in stead. Saved a little money on food but not so much on gas.


The Photography competition was due to start at 3:00pm and now that we've been through a couple competitions we know she's not going to compete until at least 4:00pm. They take the kids first which there are 115 contestants, then the female 13-19 under 5'8" (yes you can be short and be a model) which I believe there were about 70 girls and then my daughters category, and her being #349 there were 48 contestants before her. We had a bit of a wait. She had changed into her "little black dress" very professional looking and had her two pictures picked out, Charles' assistant Kim picked the two, we chose the one Coco really liked and one of the other two Fabienne couldn't decide on. This competition was judged by the visiting agents based on pose, make-up, hair, energy and flare. This was also the competition where the agents decided on their "listed call backs" this is the list of girls they want to see on Sunday.


As she passed each of the 30 agents they would ask her how old she was and how tall, most she said were quite surprised to hear how tall she is for her age, that in this industry is a good thing. Once this was done we were free to go for dinner, the award ceremony was scheduled for 7:00pm and it was 4:00pm. We had in and out privileges for parking so we hopped in the van to go find something to eat. We ended up at Subway of all places, it was her request. I guess she felt like a sub. We ate and were done by 5:00pm and still had two hours to kill. We drove through Stanley Park and chatted, that didn't take long so we popped over to North Vancouver for a quick visit with my partner then we headed back to the hotel. We were early. I was chatting with one of the people working the convention, she's kind of the operations manager, very nice girl and very helpful, I had mentioned that we thought there was no sense sticking around for the awards as we didn't think she would win anything being so new to this. Bree suggested we stay, as she says, my daughter is very "noticeable" and she may just win something.


I'm glad we stayed. After the acting certificates were handed out by Fabienne Coco took over the modeling awards, they went through all the categories for runway, sports ware and photography starting with the kids, I won't lie, it was tedious. When they got to my daughters category for photography they would call the second runner up, first runner up and winner, well, low and behold they called her number for FIRST RUNNER UP! We were both so surprised. I had no idea she would win, with all the beautiful girls with way more experience we thought this was just great an actual award! So very exciting. Keep in mind she's only just signed with her agency two weeks prior.


We both left the hotel on cloud nine. I told her over and over how proud of her I was and what an amazing opportunity this has been. She was pretty pleased with herself but it was late and we had to be back at the hotel for 8:00am for the listed call back sheets, this is the BIG day, this is where the girls can take their book to the agents directly and give them their contact information for future work this is THE DAY! We expected maybe four or five call backs, when she was showing her pictures to the agents she would notice if they circled her number on their sheets and she calculated about five, well she got twenty! That's a lot for call backs considering some girls didn't get any. Again we were thrilled right up until we saw the line-ups.


Let me explain. In the morning from 9:00am to 11:00am were the open go sees this is where if you were not on a particular agents call back list you could still show them your book and maybe peak their curiosity. We could have waited until the after noon for the call backs but because some of the agents were leaving early if you had a call back from them you needed to see them during the open go sees so they could leave on time. She had five to see. Luckily they were not the big agencies and their line ups were pretty short. All except MMG Management NY. Her line up was huge because she chatted with each girl longer than really was needed. I stood in that line for an hour and an half while my daughter went to some of the other call backs that had shorter lines to get them out of the way for the after noon. By the time we got to see the agent from MMG she was the last one in the room as all the other agents had gone for lunch.


MMG was a HUGE waist of time, I have no idea why she put my daughter on her call back list she wanted model/actors not just models. My daughter is not interested in acting and when the agent heard this she explained what she was looking for took her contact sheet and sent us on our way. By this time we were starving and I had a headache. I swore I wasn't going to go through that again.


After lunch all the girls that didn't get call backs were gone and the room was a lot easier to negotiate. We had eight agents left to see and the lines were much shorter. The Asian agents were funny, they didn't care about her book they wanted measurements and their own pictures. We had great feed back from Elite New York, Elite Paris and One New York. Elite Toronto was concerned about her age he wanted girls a little older but would keep tabs on her progress. All the European agents said she was too young as well, they have very strict laws about kids and they don't use girls under 15 years old. A good majority of them said they would be in contact with her agent to keep track of her as well. All in all we had a lot of positive feed back from the agents and they were impressed with her pictures. So now we wait.

I started the blog yesterday after noon, and this morning when I checked my email there was one from Charles. He wanted to congratulate her on a job well done and to let me know that he figures she would be heading overseas soon. He wants me to call in the next few days and he's putting her pictures on his international website. I'm hoping that any overseas work she gets won't happen until summer, I don't want her missing too much school because of this, that's not the reason we are persuing modeling, the whole mission here is for her university fund, she want's to be a doctor and if I know my daughter that's exactly what she will be.

The next step for her now is to gain experience, she needs to do a few local fashion shows and some local print work and just get a feel for the industry and how it works and of course continue just being a 13 year old girl. She has several years ahead of her to develop this career and I'm going to be sure that it doesn't overwhelm her, the nice thing is, she is mature for her age and has a good perspective of all of this, she's not expecting to be an overnight sensation. She has met girls who have been doing this for a few years now and they certainly aren't huge sucesses so she knows this is a tough industry and with a little luck and the right agent she will get work, how much is a whole other story.

So there you have it, our weekend in a nut shell. Of course as this progresses I'm sure I will be blogging about it but for now we put it aside and carry on with life. I have Christmas to think about now and the thought of traveling anywhere foreign is not at the top of my list.

With much love, light and a long road ahead,
Tammy.

The Journey Continues

...further to "My Beautiful Girl" blog.

Turns out Pulse Management, is not 100% what we are looking for. We got a phone call the following week from Stacey Eastman who thinks my daughter is "Amazing." I wonder how many parents heard that? I know she's amazing, and not just her looks, she's smart too sometimes too smart for her own good but that's a whole other story.

So after some considerable research and following my gut instinct we've decided to stay local with this at least to start with. After all Coco Rocha is a Richmond girl and if she can make it as a super model after being discovered by Charles Stuart here in Vancouver (one of the agencies we will be seeing on Friday) then why not my daughter?

As for Stacey Eastman, he got a "Thanks but no thanks" email today. He may have a foot in the industry but he's not the only game on the planet and he's asking too much according to everyone I've talked to including Mr. Charles Stuart himself, his comment, "Oh, only $2,500.00 for a book, is that all?" said extremely sarcastically. He was unimpressed to hear that Stacey is claiming having discovered Coco Rocha, I couldn't find anything online to confirm this which lead to my suspicions about the legitimacy of his "claims". So ya, no thanks.

The Pulse contract was pretty basic, nothing too extravagant, two pages saying we do not guarantee anything but want you to pay for all your travel and work expenses. They are a management company nothing more, I can manage my daughter, and charge her way less for it. The way it works is you sign with your "mother agency" then they share you with other agencies who want your specific look, they split the 20% commission and the model gets her 80%. It can be very lucrative if you get work, the key word there "if".

This past weekend her dad and I did a series of photos which will serve as her "Polaroid's" something the industry requires for initial submissions. They turned out ok, good enough for their purpose. I emailed seven of the required shots to a few local agencies yesterday, I got a reply email right away from Liz Bell Agency and a phone call this morning from Charles Stuart International Models. They are kind of competing because Charles wants to see her before Liz which tells me they are on a hunt for that next big discovery. Good for us if she has what it takes.

Friday will tell the tale. Depending on how this goes will determine how we proceed. It's a great experience for her regardless and if this year it doesn't work out we'll try again next year. She is after all only 13 (and a half) and a year can do allot for a young girl, good or bad. Either way, this is something she wants to try and I will not stop her because we had one run in with an unscrupulous individual. Don't get me wrong, he does work in the industry it's just they way he works I don't agree with.

...so we continue the journey and until my daughter tells me she's done we keep going. This may be short lived this may be a career choice that enables her to realize her dream of attending an Ivy League university and becoming a doctor, and interesting twist in the fashion industry, super-model turned nuro surgeon...I like it either way she has her parents full support and encouragement. Something she's never been denied.

With much love, light and a real trip,
Tammy.

My Beautiful Girl

This past weekend was what might be the beginning of my daughters modeling career, in fact it is the beginning regardless of the outcome of Saturday's events.

You see, on the September long weekend my kids went with their dad to the Bumpershoot Music Festival in Seattle and a scout from Pulse Management approached my ex and asked if the tall young lady with him was his daughter. Well, my girl is 5'91/4" tall, slim and very pretty so it's no wonder she was noticed. They exchanged email addresses and some other information and the scout indicated that there would be an open call sometime in October and that she would let them know the details. Well...

A week and a half ago my ex got the email with the details and being that the call fell on my weekend with the kids I was more than happy to take her to Seattle. After all I have experience in this particular industry and I was leery that it might be a scam, as was everyone who knew what was going on with regards to this invitation.

So last week I spoke with the scout personally and found out more information, turns our Pulse Management has an exclusive partnership with Elite Models. For those of you who have not heard of Elite, this is the agency who launched Cindy Crawford's modeling career. Not to mention Tyra Banks, Naiomi Campbell, Iman, Cameron Diaz, Andy McDowell, Heidi Klume, Giselle Bunzchen to name a few. So ya, this is legitimate. The owner of Pulse, Stacey Eastman was the presenter and explained who he was and who he works with, Trump (as in "The Donald") Models is also a partner and that he was looking for girls who have the potential, and future potential to make it in this very tough business.

All that being said, we sat through the first hour and a half listening and watching intently, all the while my ADHD son sat quietly and very patiently next to me doodling. My daughter was nervous, not knowing what to expect and when it came time to go face to face with Stacey I thought for sure she would back out, she didn't. She is a very driven young lady and when she sees something she wants she goes for it. All the girls lined up outside the room and came in one at a time for a quick few words with Stacey, there were probably 50 to 60 girls ranging in age from 12 to 23 and all of varying height, my daughter being one of the tallest.

She was third from last and when her turn finally arrived she dutifully handed Stacey her information sheet and he asked her when she would be turning 14, she answered, then he asked what her shoe size was, she answered 10. Stacey that turned to the crowd as he had for numerous girls before my daughter and shouted out "mom?" I stood up and he asked how tall I was, 5'10" and how tall her dad is, 6'2" the reason for this is to determine how tall she will be when she finishes growing. Being 13 and 5'9-1/4" and a size 10 foot she will likely be over 6' tall which in this industry is spectacular!

She had always hated her height, and I always told her that one day she will love it, well this past Saturday she discovered exactly what I was talking about. Height is a huge benefit in the modeling industry and tall girls make good money. I'll get into the details of exactly how much a little later. Needless to say, her self esteem was significantly boosted that day.

Once all the girls had the first run through and were seated with their parents, Stacey explained that he would be calling the names of the girls that he wanted to see and that the rest were free to go, he was very kind about it, he explained that he was looking for a specific type of girl and that all the girls were beautiful and not to give up their dream, but he can't keep everyone and have a great afternoon.

We sat and waited, he held a small stack of info sheets in his hand and I was convinced at that point that we would be done. After he called the six girls up to the front with their parents and asked them to wait a moment he would speak to them in a moment. Ok, I thought we're done...

Nope not so, he then took a larger stack and told us that the names he called out next would be staying for the second half of the presentation and that these girls have potential. He handed the stack to his assistant and went off the talk to the first group he called. I have no idea what he said to them, but one thing all the girls in that group had in common was they all had "books" in my day they were called portfolios so they were obviously experienced, maybe he told them he would contact them, maybe he told them to look elsewhere who knows, it was the stack in the assistants hand I was interested in.

The assistant started naming off the girls and as the stack grew smaller and smaller my stomach did little flips, second from last my daughters name was called, phew! She made it to the second half both a blessing and a curse, it was already noon and we were starving, but we persevered.

Stacey thanked all the girls who's names were not called and sent them on their way. Now the second half of the presentation begins. This is where we get the dirt on the industry, it's still as ugly as I remember, so no surprise there, it's still extremely lucrative if you make it, that being the key, if you make it. It's a tough thing to break into the modeling scene, when I made my attempt I was freelance because I didn't know any better, I thought you just sign with an agency and voila you're in, well, not so. There were and still are thousands of young slim pretty girls trying to market themselves and it's still a total crap shoot. Unless you're discovered.

This is like winning the lottery in this industry, it happens but it's rare. My daughter was scouted, not the same thing, you're not "discovered" until you have a contract and your first big job and everyone knows your name. We are not quite there yet we are still sitting in a room with about 25 other pretty girls hoping to be discovered.

The afternoon presentation lasted another two hours, at this point my son was starting to complain, not too much but he was getting hungry as we all were and pretty much done with sitting still. He persevered and we endured. We watched video of some of Stacey's models, we saw video of what goes on back stage at runway shows in places like Milan, London, and Paris. We were told that Stacey's models do not work for less than $60.00 per hour and that the industry average is about $275.00 per hour. We learned that if you are really good and in demand you could command $10,000.00 to $20,000.00 per day and a day is defined as four hours anything over that and your at time and a half. HOLY CRAP that's a lot of money, not to mention the possibility of landing an entire campaign for oh say Chanel or Prada and now were talking six figures, but that's only if you're really good.

So as we rap up and all this information is being digested Stacey informs us that there is just one more step to completing the process this afternoon. Polaroids. This is where he takes head and body shots of all the girls so he can make his final decision back in Manhattan with Elite or Trump on the girls from this afternoon, my daughter being one of them. I had done her measurements the night before and recorded them on a piece of paper tucked in my purse, for those mom's who didn't know the process, Stacey had a bunch of measuring tapes.

My daughter was the third girl to be photographed because it was just a matter of filling in the blanks and making sure my email address was clear. Everything these days seems to be electronic, in my day you took your portfolio to pre-set appointments and waited for a phone call. Now in this digital age, all the pictures will be downloaded and emailed around the world in seconds. Needless to say, when the shots were done, Stacey gave my daughter a high five, now I have no idea if anyone else got one, we left right after that. BUT...physical contact is a good thing it cements a person in the mind. I'm taking it as a positive.

So, now we wait. We were told it could take up to two weeks to hear back, so far I've not seen anything so no news is good news right? This is both exciting and daunting, if this happens and she gets a contract I will need to get her first set of photos done. In this industry you do pay for your first set, unless you get signed to an agency right away that is. Pulse is a management company, they would put the girls in front of the agency, without a book it's hard to be seen by anyone. Management companies might advance the cost of the book to a model if they are confident that model will get lots of work. Agencies will pay for the book because at that point they know this particular model will work.

The only question that weighs on my mind right now is, if she does get signed to Pulse and Elite how on earth am I going to be able to travel with her? Being only 13 she will need a parent present, or grandparent, apparently Stacey has what he calls his "granny squad" grandmothers who travel with their granddaughters. Both grandmothers have agreed to travel, my mom when her back is better and my ex-mother-in-law any time we need her. I for one however would love the opportunity to travel with her, are you kidding? Paris? Milan? New York? Miami? It's a no brainer. But...like I said, she needs to be discovered and we're not quite there yet.

The one parting comment that Stacey made before he started photographing the girls was something to the effect of..."the reason you are all in this room now is because I see in each of you potential, you are here because you should be. If this doesn't work out with me do not give up, find a local agent or manager and keep going." So regardless of the outcome of this first open call my daughter has ever attended she will not quit, this is something she wants to do, this is not her final career choice, you see, she plans on being a doctor and wants to go to school somewhere other than Vancouver. This is not a cheep endeavor and she sees modeling as a way to ensure she can go to any university she chooses, and she will, like I said before she's very driven and a gifted student.

Who'd a thunk, my beautiful girl is about to embark on a remarkable journey one that I hope will fulfill all her dreams.

With much love, light and wonder,
Tammy.

Happy Thanks Giving!

Two in one day, don't stop me, I'm on a roll.

So I read my last blog and as I sit and contemplate why we do such horrible things to each other I find myself thinking about Thanks Giving and what it means to me.

For me it's not what I would call traditional. Thanks Giving the holiday is work. It's standing in the kitchen all day preparing food, which I should be thankful I have, it's running around like a mad woman cleaning the house for dinner guests, a house I should be thankful I have and friends I should also be thankful I have and I am really I am or I wouldn't bother with all the stress that goes along with the day. What is missing for me however is my family. That being my mom, dad, sister and nieces and all the extras come with them.

Don't get me wrong, I am thankful for allot of things, my job, my pay cheque, my home, my own family, my friends. I'm so very thankful for all of it. I guess I'm just missing the whole big happy family picture. How very selfish of me. I know people who for personal reasons do not have the luxury of 'family' in the traditional sense. Things were said that neither party is willing to apologise for because both feel they are right and justified in their actions and words. So be it. But...wouldn't it be nice if this Thanks Giving they could put aside their differences, agree to disagree and be a family once again? I think so, I think it's worth my blogging about it if my message to them is heard.

For the love of GOD and all that is Holy, put your differences aside and be a family AGAIN! Would it kill you? Really, would it? There are so many things you all have to be thankful for, each other, should be at the top of the list. Stop being so damn stubborn about this and forgive each other already!

I for one see the hurt this is causing, not just to the two individuals involved but to the children who's family has been torn apart because of it. Haven't they suffered enough for your disagreement? Isn't it time to "practice what you preach"? Isn't it time to make amends? Is it really so hard to swallow your pride and say "I'm SO sorry, I love you and I don't want to hurt you anymore" Is that so hard? Are you beyond forgiveness? WWJD?

This may all go unheard (or unread rather) but I'm hoping and praying that maybe this year, maybe. If not, well, Christmas is coming and that's another good reason for me to hope. There is so much being missed out on it's really quite sad. My heart goes out to all of them and I will continue to hope and pray they find each other again.

As for my missing my parents and sister et all, well, ya it would be nice if we all lived in the same town and I could just pop over whenever the mood struck but I made a decision years ago to move away and every holiday I deal with the longing for my traditional family gathering. I just hope when my kids are adults that they don't leave town, that we are able to be one big happy family and celebrate together.

With much love, light and a HAPPY THANKS GIVING!
Tammy.

I Know Some Pretty Remarkable People!

I've been giving some thought lately as to what my next blog will be about. One thing that came to mind after recent events is all the truly remarkable people I know.

When I look at my facebook friends list I am astonished by the people I have as friends. Such a variety, some family, some friends, some friends of friends, etc. But all unique and remarkable in there own way.

Which brings me to another thought, we are ALL unique and remarkable and not one living soul on this Earth has the right to take that away from us or diminish it in anyway, yet...

It happens, so frequently it happens. Sometimes not on purpose, but for the most part very purposefully. Why? Why would someone want you to feel less important than you are? Why would someone want to make you feel unworthy? Why would you let them? All very valid questions, some not easy to answer, some down right difficult to answer.

First, Why? Well that's not so hard, ego. Ego dictates how we view ourselves in comparison to others. We are driven by ego and a lot of our decisions are based on ego, we are after all a very self centered bunch.

Next, Why would someone want you to feel less important than you are? Not so easy, why would they single you out? What did you do to facilitate this behaviour if anything at all. When it becomes personal like this there is more at play here than just ego, there are emotions involved. An example that comes to mind. I have a friend who is divorced from her husband yet he feels compelled on a regular basis to make sure she knows she's not important. Why on earth would he do this? They don't live together their dealings are limited to their child's needs yet he makes sure she feels inadequate. He is acting out of hurt, rejection and anger. All these years later he has not let go of these emotions and still feels justified in his behaviour.

When we bring emotions into the equation we essentially raise the bar. What we would normally tolerate in strangers is far different than what we tolerate from our 'loved ones'. Since when does having an intimate relationship entitle us to treat the other person with less than the highest regard. Safety that's what. When a child is angry about something the likely target is mom. Mom is safe, mom will not throw their child to the wolves for acting out against them, mom will nurture and ensure her child feels safe until the 'temper tantrum' is over. Sometimes dad is safe but usually it's mom.

When a person feels safe in a relationship they have no problem letting the other 'have it' when they are displeased with actions, behaviours or comments. It's part of the relationship, it's expected. When the relationship is over and the individuals move on shouldn't their behaviour towards each other change too? You would think right? Not necessarily, the history of the relationship dictates "it's ok to treat my ex-partner like crap because that's what I've always done." This is so wrong on so many levels. You wouldn't treat a complete stranger this way, why someone you're close to?

There are families who deal with that one bad apple. You know the one, that person who treats their friends like gold and family like crap. What goes through their minds that tells them this behaviour is acceptable. I asked one such person and they were actually surprised that I had observed this. They had no idea that they were doing this it was done on a subconscious level they were shocked at themselves for acting this way. This led to some reflection on that persons part and the answer was simple. Their family knew them so well that there was no illusion to be anything different, their friends didn't know them as well so in an attempt to maintain these friendships this person had learned how to 'behave' in a social setting thus giving the illusion of being a 'nice' person when the truth was they really were not
very nice at all, on the whole that is.

Why do we allow this to happen, well I think we just don't really notice it. We want so desperately to be accepted that we over look poor behaviour. Again I think about my friend who puts up with their ex making them feel less important and worthy than they really are in an attempt to keep the peace. We avoid conflict, this is in our nature. I wouldn't want to constantly be telling people they are wrong in their assessment of my worthiness, after a while I would be seen as somewhat a trouble maker. Someone looking for a fight. Instead I adopt a "you're entitled to your opinion, I'm entitled to mine" attitude. In doing so I am allowing some individuals to make me feel less worthy not because I am but because that's how they view me.

What have I done to perpetrate such behaviour, I simply allowed it. I don't act any differently towards this individual than I do anyone else, yet I feel intimidated by said individual therefore will not stand up for myself. I must however qualify my comments. This is a situation I deal with in my personal life and although recently I have stood up to this person, when I do I am viewed as combative. It's interesting how defending ones honour can be so misconstrued because it's not the norm. If our particular relationship had been equal then this would not be seen as combative, it wouldn't be seen as much of anything than equal.

As a population in general we don't ask to be placed on pedestals. There are those of us who do, but usually they are the same people stepping on those they deem 'below' them in order to validate their own existence. Perhaps they had to deal with someone in their lives who made them feel less than worthy, this doesn't by any means excuse this behaviour, it just offers a possible explanation. When we are children we are guided and moulded by our parents, extended family, teachers and peers and if in that bunch there is one person who feels superior that child may be taught that they are inferior and it only takes one.

If a child is taught they are superior to others what do you think that does to their psyche? We teach them to be essentially horrible adults. That's what this all boils down to, how horribly we treat each other. As I type this I'm thinking of that infamous court case where Rodney King was severely beaten by Los Angeles police and as a result of a not guilty ruling Reginald Denny was pulled from his truck and beaten within an inch of his life. What rings in my ears is Rodney King's plea of "Why can't we all just get along?" Seriously? WHY! We are all here for the same reason, why do we treat each other so horribly. Why do you think you're better than the next guy? Why do you think the next guy is better than you?

I guess my point of this whole blog is to draw attention to how great we all are. In our own ways we are fabulous. All my friends are worthy valid INDIVIDUALS who deserve respect and appreciation from those around them. Even the ones who's ego's get in the way of logical thinking, they are worthy too, not MORE worthy, but worthy none the less. I'm going to try every day to make sure I treat others with respect and appreciation so that maybe I will be treated that way in return. To all the remarkable people I know, you are worthy and you are appreciated you are AWESOME and you are loved and don't you dare let anyone tell you any differently, if they do you send them my way. I'll give them "WHAT FOR?".

With much love, light and doing onto others as you would have done onto you,
Tammy.

Disappointment, My Bitter Pill Today.

So recently I made the silly decision to trade in my van and get a car, something a little better on gas. As it is I spend anywhere from $200.00 to $300.00 a month on gas and quite frankly I'm tired of it.

Well, because I bought the van with what they call negative equity, I traded a vehicle that I didn't get full value for and had to carry over a small amount which has resulted in the same effect with this trade in, I owe more for the van than they are willing to give me in trade. In other words the numbers just don't work. I'm not willing to pay more every month for a less expensive vehicle.

So ya, I'm disappointed, I was looking forward to the savings but more so I was looking forward to that new car smell. My van is three years old and doesn't smell new anymore. This isn't the only reason. My van, again silly me for not checking, doesn't have ABS and recently I found myself in a panic sliding sideways down a wet road. Pretty scary I've been so accustom to the vehicle pumping the breaks for me so I didn't know what to do. Now I know, I pump them myself.

Needless to say, I'll just keep the van and when it is paid off I'll trade it in. I know I won't get top dollar for it, maybe I'll sell it privately. Until then I'm going to tell myself, there is a reason for everything and maybe there's a very good reason I didn't get my new car. In the mean time, I'm going to go over to my friends house tomorrow night and have a drink, and toast my not so new no ABS smelly gas guzzling mini van.

With much love, light and a higher purpose?
Tammy.

Guardian Angel and The Dimes

Today is the twenty year anniversary of my grandmothers passing. I recall clearly that horrific phone call early in the morning twenty years ago, my dad's strained voice telling me "Nanny's gone." Typing this now all the pain and sorrow comes pouring back in and I struggle to keep myself from falling to pieces.

That morning however the shock set in so fast I went into autopilot instantly. I asked questions, my voice cold and emotionless very unlike me in normal circumstances. This was far from normal this was my worst nightmare come to life. I would have been seeing my grandparents that very weekend had this not happened, but it did and everything changed.

My mom and uncle were flying in from BC the next day and I was to pick them up at the airport in Toronto and the three of us would drive to Trenton Ontario where my grandparents had moved at the beginning of the year to live with their oldest daughter, my Auntie Carol. The drive from Toronto to Trenton should take the better part of an hour and a half depending on the traffic, I made it from the airport to Trenton in forty five minutes but cannot recall the drive.

From the moment of the initial phone call to arrival in Trenton I had not shed a single tear, they just weren't there, I stuffed my emotions so far down they were probably resting in my feet. It wasn't until I saw him, my grandpa. In such a short time he had aged decades, the toll of loosing the love of his life broke him. This once strong WWII Fighter Pilot became a frail old man in the dying gasps of his beloved wife of forty five years. Too soon, so sudden.

That's pretty much when the dam broke, and I've been crying ever since. There are days, weeks, months and even years that go by and I don't shed a tear for her. But all it takes for me is really thinking about what we lost that day to bring it all back up to the surface to sting my eyes and burn hot on my face. I miss her dearly, as all who loved her does.

My grandfather suffered the most, he survived her passing fourteen and a half years. He witnessed the arrival of his some of his great grandchildren without her, and the births of two new grandchildren all joys that should have been shared together. He made a promise days after Nanny died to be with us as long as he could and he did a great job we appreciate him for it when deep down we all knew were he would rather have been.

He left us in March 2005 peacefully slipping away. Joining his soul mate once again. I know she was there waiting for him, there would have been nothing that would have stopped her. I didn't get to go to his funeral. I was living back in BC with two young children and limited financial means to afford a last minute plane ticket. This I regret but I know he understands, I was there in mind if not in body.

So why did I title this blog "Guardian Angel and The Dimes"? well I'll tell you.

After my Nanny died I questioned everything religious, I felt betrayed by God for taking her away from me, I couldn't care less if it was her time, I wanted her back or to at least know she was ok where ever she was. You see, my grandmother was a devout Catholic who would vehemently defend her beliefs to anyone who would dare take her on. She usually won too. I remember lying in bed during the time we were in Trenton for her funeral, my mom was there too and in a hazy sedated state asked "what if there isn't a heaven and Nanny's just floating around in the dark?" "She's not going to be happy about that." At the time it made me laugh, probably because I was tired of crying but mostly because it was so true. What if?

What if all that we are taught about religion and God is wrong? What if it's just a ploy set in motion some two thousand years ago to control the masses? What if there is no heaven and hell? This woman who put her entire being into her faith is flailing about in the dark wondering were everyone is. What if?

And so began my own personal spiritual journey. I looked first to the church but what I found there only caused more questions than answers. Then one day after the birth of my daughter I was watching Oprah and she had a remarkable woman on her show. Her name is Rosemary Altea and she answered my questions. Ok, maybe not directly but she was the catalyst no argument there.

Rosemary is a well know British Medium and Healer and when she was being interview by Oprah had just published her second book, Proud Spirit. Well, I couldn't get to the book store fast enough, I bought it and devoured it. I stopped wondering were Nanny had gone, I now had some of the answers I was looking for. Proof there is 'life' after death, that we do go somewhere and not just cease to exist.

I have done years of work developing my own gifts and although I do not profess to be a psychic or even a medium I have experienced a few events that would make most peoples hair stand on end. I have had my own experiences with both grandparents, one of the funniest is the dimes. Now I know I have blogged about my grandfather and dimes in the past but I feel it pertinent to reiterate here. You see, certain people in my family, my mom, my sister, my aunt and my cousin have all been blessed if you will with dimes. These dimes just appear seemingly out of nowhere. Even recently my son has found dimes.

During my training I was told and have researched on my own that those beings in spirit can cause items to appear and disappear. My grandfather has chosen dimes because he knows I would recognise who they are coming from. In one year I collected over thirty dimes, not pennies or nickles unfortunately not toonies or loonies but dimes all because of the Blue Nose the sail boat on the dime. Further to this, we have decided that if it's the boat it's grandpa if it's the Queen it's nanny. Even if I'm completely off base, although I don't think I am, it's a nice way to be reminded of them both. I always smile and say hi or thank you. Just that little acknowledgement is enough to keep them alive in my heart if they can't be here in person.

As for the guardian angel, well, that's my nanny hands down. There have been far too many "close calls" for some of her children, grandchildren and great grandchildren for her not to be stepping in. My niece for example has had far too many of these close calls to think it's just luck. It's Nanny protecting her, we have always felt her presence some more than others but knowing her as well as I do there is no way she's not our family's guardian angel, both of them really, because where there's the one you can be certain the other is there too.

So twenty years ago things changed and for all the dream time conversations I have with my grandparents I really wish I had more time with them on this planet. I wish my kids had an opportunity to know them both and love them as I do. I hate missing them that part sucks and always will. The time I did have with them is filled with many cherished memories that have not faded with time as I feared they would. I know that when it's my turn to be a grandparent I'm going to try my hardest to be for my grand kids what my grandmother was for me. My own mom is doing a damn good job of following in her mom's footsteps with my kids so maybe there's hope for me too.

With much love, light and memories,
Tammy.