Attention Seekers

At some point we have all encountered this personality type. Maybe in a way we are all attention seekers, some more than others.

Take for example, my ex-husband. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to berate him, I'm just pointing out the obvious. He's an attention seeker, and he knows it. He is the type of person who needs constant praise and attention. He talks about himself to an almost nauseating extent, in fact he is so aware of this that he even wrote on a piece of paper that "he needed to stop talking about himself so much". This didn't work, he still talks at great length about himself and how great he is. Oh, and don't bother trying to add your accomplishments to the conversation they are completely irrelevant to him. I have over the years learned to tune it out, but I truly feel empathy for anyone who, not being used to his incessant rambling, must endure this attention seeking.

There are several different methods attention seekers use. There is the medical attention seekers, I would say Munchhausen but maybe not to such a great extent. There are those individuals who no matter what is going on in your life medically, they have it worse. They are those individuals who will ask you how you are doing or feeling, and use this as an opportunity to espouse all their ailments. Rest assured they are not interested in what's wrong with you but only what's wrong with them. Maybe they are fishing for sympathy, or maybe they just really enjoy always being unwell and like to share this with others. However after a time, and after they have exhausted all their family, friends and acquaintances with their ailments what's left. Well, they come up with something new to complain about, and the cycle starts all over again.

The sad thing is, is there are allot of unwell people out there who graciously keep it to themselves and until something seriously happens, know one is the wiser. I knew someone like that, my grandmother. Apparently for months before the heart attack that killed her, she had been experiencing chest pain. She had gone through bi-pass surgery ten years prior and did not want to go through it again, so she kept this to herself and only told her doctor. It wasn't until after her death that the family found this out. Her doctor said she didn't want to worry anyone, or be a burden so with that she accepted the inevitable and left us. Of course we were angry, but soon got over it, because that's just how she was, and how I aspire to be.

It's not a competition who is more sick than the next person, why make it one. Why enjoy one-upping everyone, is your ego that fragile? That is essentially what attention seeking is all about, ego. We all have one, and some of us need it stroked more than others. If we live our lives in an egotistical manner we are truly not living to our full potential with all that is good about us. That being our compassion and empathy for our fellow man, or woman for that matter. Ego won't allow it, and what it does allow is generally from a self serving perspective. The "what's in it for me" perspective. Again, ego driven.

Attention seekers are generally not harmful to others but more so to themselves. There are those who knowingly injure themselves for attention, but make it out to be an accident. These individuals are far more likely to fake an injury as well. A sprained ankle or wrist, a back injury anything that is not so visibly obvious but difficult to disprove. Kids are probably the most likely to attention seek using "fake injuries". They see the attention others get from parents, other family members, teachers and friends and they want that too. If the child is not getting the attention at home when not ill or injured that they desperately crave they see this as a method to get what they desire, attention. Parents that nurture their children and give them the attention they need, and every kid is different, generally don't have the same incidence of illness or injury.

I am very proud to say that in spite of their fathers constant need for attention, my kids do not attention seek to the extent of self injury. There have been minor incidents were they may feel my full attention is not directed to them and they act out, but with time I'm hoping that subsides too. They both have been to the hospital for different real injuries, like jumping from a height that their ankles and wrists can't withstand and at times they may try to fake being sick in order to stay home from school but those are few and far between now that they have adjusted to their parents separation. That in itself can bring about the need to attention seek as they adjust to this new situation. I find what works the best is to give more attention to healthy behaviour and less to unhealthy behaviour. The trick is knowing the difference.

People generally don't respond well to stress, and when the stress comes as a result of someone else's need for attention, unhealthy behaviour can and will escalate. If a mother is not nurturing, (yes those women do exist) or so self absorbed, her child or children will act out in an undesirable manner. Logically, if the mother is nurturing and not self absorbed the children tend to be better behaved. We set an example for our children, and when an attention seeker teaches their children that this is normal behaviour, then you are continuing the cycle of unhealthy behaviour.

This becomes a difficult situation if the other parent is not an attention seeker and sees the damage the attention seeking parent is inflicting on the child. Who is right in this situation? Both parents feel the other is wrong in their behaviour and unless you have equality in your marriage, one parent is far more dominant than the other, and this can be the determining factor in who has the most influence. Were children are concerned, the mother if nurturing will have the dominant effect, if not then it's likely the father who dominates, but typically out of fear. The "wait till your father gets home" threat. The children may be craving attention at this point, and regardless of whether it's positive or negative, they are going to get it.

After living with an attention seeker, my advise is this. Don't buy in. Don't let them bate you with "how are you today" when what they really want to say is "let me tell you how I am today". If you choose to start a conversation, and need them to pay attention to your needs, play their game, but don't become them. Start the conversation, don't ask questions, state facts. You will be surprised how well this works. When I speak to my ex, the conversation can go one of two ways depending on the reason for the call. There are times when he does call me to give me facts, but more often than not they are one sided conversations about how great he is. Sometimes it's amusing too, most times it's annoying. If I call to give him information, I generally don't ask him how he's doing. I know that sounds rude, but they typically won't notice, remember self absorbed. I start by saying, "I need" or "I would like it if" make your needs known right off the bat and you will have a successful conversation.

On the flip side, there are those of us who are enablers, we allow the attention seekers to exist. We fall prey to their maladies and provide the sympathetic ear they require. I know I'm an enabler, as much as I would like to be hard shelled and not get sucked in it's difficult for me not to. When someone is hurt my initial reaction is to be empathetic and understanding, this is natural for me. Then after watching how this person interacts with others and lets say works the room searching for attention, I become skeptical that the situation is really as it was presented. A person who is truly unwell or injured acts in a consistent manner, someone who is attention seeking doesn't. They reinvent their story based on who they are telling it to in order to get the desired reaction they are after. Attention seekers are master manipulators, as was my ex. If he put his mind to it he could convince you the sky is green and not blue.

Recently a co-worker who is an attention seeker injured himself. All you get to hear about is his injury and how it's affecting how he does his job. The attention his supervisor is giving him is obscene, none of the other staff are afforded such attention, probably because they do not seek it. After hearing about this injury for the umpteenth time, I simply said. I hope you get better soon so you can put your full attention back into your job. A little harsh, maybe, but that was the last time I had to endure his story. It's amazing what a little sarcasm can accomplish with these types, it basically tells them, "I'm on to you and I'm not buying it." It's a little more difficult to say this directly, because we are a civilized society right? Well then why is it easy to be direct with our children? Probably because it's our job to be, they may not want to hear that you don't believe they are really sick or really hurt, but as a parent it is our job to not buy in to their manipulation. When we do we enable the unhealthy behaviour and create attention seekers.

Good or bad, the way we deal with attention seekers will dictate our future dealings with them. If you are consistent and don't let them have the upper hand in a conversation eventually they will stop seeking your attention. If however, you enjoy giving them your attention, don't be surprised if eventually it escalates to the point were you are stuck as the constant enabler. This will become frustrating once you discover what you have done, and good luck undoing it without getting nasty. Sometimes, though that is your only option, and may alienate the attention seeker all together. Or hurt their feelings to the point were they want to seek revenge and cause problems for you. This is true if the attention seeker is a family member or friend, they will go to other enablers in your circle and let them know what a horrible uncaring heartless ogre you are. Try explaining that one.

There is a light at the end of this tunnel though. Ensure you raise your children in a nurturing environment were attention is given to good behaviour and unhealthy or bad behaviour is not rewarded with attention. Of course this doesn't mean ignore bad behaviour, just remember to acknowledge good behaviour as well or more so. We tend to forget a child who is playing quietly but can we forget the misbehaving child? It starts there, if you don't raise an attention seeker there will be less and less of them in future generations.

With much love, light and positive praise.
Tammy.