Several nights ago my darling teenager had a melt down. This is nothing new, I deal with this sort of thing from her at least once every six months or so. This time was a little different.
As we sat on her bed and she cried her heart out I listened. Albeit with great difficulty over the sobs, I just listened.
Now, I've always considered myself a better listener than talker but apparently when it comes to my kids I just talk. My daughter says I offer advice when advice is not what she's after (in her owns words that is) So, I conceded and sat and listened and this is what I found out.
My beautiful daughter thinks she's an alien. Not literally of course, metaphorically. She went on to explain that she doesn't see things like the other teens in her peer group. She also thinks she doesn't have a sense of humour. She does, it's just very different from the norm. She also thinks that it is impossible to be happy, she doesn't get how I can be happy all the time.
Another comment she made and I quote (because this one stuck with me) "The problem with the human race is we are all individuals" OK I had to laugh at that one, which got her laughing. Which disproved her theory she didn't have a sense of humour. This particular comment struck me as odd because she is of all people is as individual as they get. She has always marched to the beat of her own drum.
So I've given allot of brain time to this comment and I think what she's grasping at is to just fit in. She's always been one of the tallest kids in her peer group and according to her teacher one of the smartest and most mature. This makes her intimidating even without her trying to be. I know I was intimidated by the "smart kids" at school having been a C average student, more so because I just didn't care and didn't apply myself, something I came to learn much later was a detriment but this isn't about me, it's about my beautiful brilliant daughter who just wants to fit in.
So what do I say to her to make her feel better about all of this? Nothing, because there is nothing I can say that will change her view of herself and believe me I have tried many many times. So I will just listen and if she wants my advice she will ask and I will give. That's about all I can do. She's just going to have to work this out for herself to come to the conclusion on her own that she has choices. She can choose to be happy or she can choose to be miserable. Simple, yes, but not to a thirteen and three quarter year old.
Next up is my son, he's twelve. Luckily for me he's not a mature twelve so even though he's going to be thirteen next year I'm hoping I don't have to go through this with him right away, one kid at a time please! I'm rolling my eyes as I type this. They say girls mature faster than boys and in this case my daughter is about fifty years ahead of her brother. She was born old, a truly "old soul" inhabits that body.
This is probably why she's struggling with her age, she doesn't think like a teenager for the most part, ok, the melt down was very juvenile but that was the result of being over stimulated. Since she was a baby too much activity for extended periods of time always had this exact effect on her. A complete melt down, then she's fine for a good long time. This particular event was cause from having to deal with her extroverted brother and father for an entire week. She needs her down time and it came too late this time.
She's fine now and appears happy for the most part. They are at their dad's this week and have been very busy with Christmas preparations so I'm hoping she's coping well, she seems to be. At least at school there isn't much going on so she's not being hit from all sides.
SO what does this all mean, well, it means that I for one have learned a valuable lesson. To listen. And that this is just the start, now the real work begins the moulding and guiding and hoping that at the other end you've helped your teen become a wonderful well adjusted adult. I think just being aware that this is my new job is half the battle.
With much love, light and the terrible teens!
Tammy.
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