ADHD

Today my thoughts turn to my son, he's a great kid with even greater challenges.

He is severe ADHD with LD and a whole bunch of other letters thrown in for good measure. He has been medicated since December 2004 when he was in grade one. The first day on his medication I had my son back. We had been for at least three years trying to figure out what was "wrong" with him. And truthfully when a friend suggested that he might be ADHD (as her son was and she saw the similarities) I wanted to slap her. How dare she? Of course I had really no clue how ADHD worked, the reason it exists and how it's treated. My sister was ADHD as a kid, and back then they called it hyperactive. Growing up with a sibling like that is difficult, it takes a world of understanding and I really didn't want to go down that road again.

No choice. That's what he has and we work with it best we can. His medication helps, at least he can manage. What gets me is when he is expected to act "normal" for him ADHD is normal and the medication only helps him feel more in control, more focused. He is about 3 years behind in maturity, and doesn't act or think like a typical 11 yr old right now I would say he acts 8 maybe 9 yrs old.

We are living in a new home with a "step-father" figure and "step-siblings" the children of the "step-father". My son is very impulsive and most times acts or speaks without thinking, this is typical ADHD behaviour. My partner decided that is was his place to step in and discipline my son when he steps out of line. My partner has "rules" that must be obeyed by all the kids and there is no room for compromise apparently. Personally I think these rules are designed to set the kids up to fail, my son in particular. The consequence to this failure is they are no longer aloud to live in our house. I disagree with this whole heartedly and have expressed this to my partner. After all, it is my house too.

There have been a few what I would call minor incidents were my partner has taken it upon himself to discipline my son, and I don't like it. As a bio-parent it is my job to deal with my kids. I do not discipline his kids, and more so I don't in an attempt to show him I want the same respect in return. He has gone so far as to accuse me of not disciplining my son and lying. Well, as I mentioned yesterday in my blog about love, when you hurt the one you love you damage their love for you, you lessen it by a degree. And it takes work to replenish that degree.

Because of my sons condition, I know I am on top of his behaviour more than i feel necessary (even though some may disagree). There are times when my son is maybe being too loud (he has volume control issues) or constantly talking or just being generally annoying, while I really don't have a problem with this, as I have had 11 years to get used to it, my partner is less patient and thinks he's an expert in parenting and dealing with all children because after all, all children should be dealt with the same way. Again I whole heartedly disagree. You can not deal with an ADHD child as you would a "normal" child. They do not process information the same way, and lecturing an ADHD child is like lecturing the toilet for being dirty. In one ear out the other. The best way is to re-direct focus to change the behaviour. And at times, yelling helps, that gets through, that tells him I mean business. So yes, I yell at my son when all else fails. It works.

My son had a huge amount of respect and affection for my partner in the beginning. That has changed since we bought our house. He likes his interaction with my partners kids, but is stressed that he's going to do something to anger my partner and I'm going to get hurt. I have assured him that this won't happen, that my partner isn't a violent or abusive person, but my son is still leery. Blending families is a huge task, and there will always be someone who doesn't buy in. In this case both my children are unhappy because they have witnessed my partner "blowing a gasket", because he thought he was justified. About this I am torn, because my children are my priority but my relationship is important too. So I do my best to make sure there is peace in our home. Sometimes I fail.

My son's ADHD comes with LD (learning disability). He has difficulty understanding and processing information or verbal instructions. He can read something and it's just words, no meaning. You can explain something an it doesn't stick. However if you show him a picture it sticks. He's very visual, with almost a photographic memory. He reads at a grade two level, he's in grade six, so you can imagine his embarrassment when asked to read out loud. He is very aware of his LD and thinks everyone thinks he's stupid, even me. I have tried to instill in him I don't think that but he's made up his mind. ADHD kids can be stubborn and "hyper-focused" which can also cause problems. He gets accused of "not listening" but the truth is, he listens he just doesn't store. The connections are not made. I get that, my partner doesn't and thinks he's just a bad kid.

ADHD is not fair. It's a condition that can rip families apart, it did mine, my ex-husband and I fought about our son all the time, he felt I was too easy on him, I felt he was too hard on him. There was no middle ground that we could find in order to agree. It's wasn't just the ADHD that came between us, we had our own problems, much bigger than ADHD. My daughter through all this was caught in the middle and was forced to make sacrifices because of it. Even now, because she is older, we have asked her to be responsible for her brother, a huge task for a 12 1/2 yr old. She's so mature for her age, but I know at times she wishes she were an only child. Sometimes I can't blame her, I felt the same about my ADHD sister.

The saving grace in all this is, my son will either out grow ADHD or he will learn to control it without medication as he gets older. My sister is probably the most laid back person I know. She needs to keep busy, but you would never know she was ADHD. My ex was likely ADHD when he was a kid, and now he's a type A personality, always on the go, can't stand being idle. Ty Pennington from Extreme Makeover, Home Edition is a huge ADHD advocate as you guessed it he's ADHD, and you can certainly tell by the energy he has. Statistics show that 65% of ADHD kids, continue to present "features" of ADHD as adults, the trick is focusing on the positive features.

Through all this my son is still a very loving, kind, funny, creative and talented kid. Sometimes his medication causes loss of appetite so he's skinny, and sometimes he can't sleep because he can't rest his mind, so he takes melatonin at night, it helps. He pediatrician explained it this way. Take all the thoughts and feelings and stored information in you brain, and picture a tornado spinning all that information around constantly. Now, reach into the tornado and grab something anything. That's ADHD, good luck. That really put it into perspective. The medication stops the tornado, but leaves the mess you see after one. Yah, good luck.

I love those parents who criticize the medical system for medicating ADHD kids. I could send them my son un-medicated and I bet you they change their tune. If your child was Diabetic, would you give them insulin? Or had a heart condition, or how about asthma? Would you not want them to feel better? And if it meant giving them medication wouldn't you do it? I would. One thing that we try not to think about and hope never happens is one of the worst side effects of his medication is sudden death. Pretty scary, when he takes it every day. Now the incident that lead to this warning was caused when children with heart defects were prescribed ADHD medication which by all accounts is a stimulant. Odd yes, but it has the opposite effect on true ADHD kids. Anyone else would be bouncing off the walls. It is a registered narcotic with the Canadian Government, so this is serious medication. Typically, ADHD kids require 5 - 15 mg my son needs 60 mg to have any affect. More than that and he's in a depressed state. The thing is you don't know how much they will need you work up in 5mg increments until you find the right dose.

I would love to have a "normal" child I would love to not have to give him medication but without it he's out of control, and he doesn't like that feeling. Also he ends up getting into trouble when he hasn't had it. The ironic thing is when he spent time with his grandparents this past summer, his grandmother said she thought he was very well behaved and didn't give them any trouble, and wondered if he needed his medication after all. Um, he was well behaved because he was medicated. They didn't try not giving it to him to see if it made a difference. I just shook my head and explained that, it's new medication that he's on and it's better than the last one.

My son is my joy, and I want him to grow up to be a happy well adjusted successful adult, I am scared to death that he's going to hook up with the wrong crowd, ADHD kids tend to gravitate towards the wrong crowd. I used to joke when he was really young, before we knew about his ADHD that we were saving for our daughter's college education and our son's bail, not much of a joke anymore as we approach high school. He started middle school this year, and is still very much an "Innocent" I would love for him to stay that way, but he'd get beat up in high school if he did, or worse, labeled by his peers a "baby" and he hates being called a baby. Even if he assumes that's what you might be thinking, he gets so defensive. The problem is sometimes he does act like a baby, probably for attention, or if his medication has worn off and he's acting ADHD.

I would love it if there were a cure, but researchers need to focus on far more serious illnesses and ADHD is manageable. I look forward to the day, my son says to me, "mom, I don't need my medication today, I can manage" I pray that day will come sooner than later, but even if it doesn't I will still love him with all the fierceness in my heart. Maybe that's enough.


With much love and light.

Tammy.