Love.

I have given allot of thought to what to write about today and I think love is a great topic because it's so broad and yet so limited.

When I was in high school I recall being told the definition of love is..."when you put the wants and needs of another before your own wants and needs". A lovely sentiment but really when does that ever happen? OK maybe a parent (yes mom or dad) will put their child's needs before there own. Really I do think a parents love for their child is the purest form of love, except when the parent is using the child for a self-serving purpose.

You see and hear it all the time, it can be as disgusting as a parent sexually abusing their child, or as subtle as a parent preventing the child from growing up because the parent doesn't want to let go. That can be just as damaging to a child as what an abusive parent can inflict. Our job is to ensure our children grow up to be strong, healthy vital members of society. And feeding on their insecurities because of our own will cause them to grow to be co-dependant with low self-esteem and self-worth, which is probably why so many of us don't really understand what love truly means or is. To coddle a child for too long is a detriment to their development and is only self-serving to the parent who feels this is appropriate.

I have been accused of coddling my own child, and it was a slap in the face. A reality check, and after some pondering I realised it was true and I was not helping my child to grow up rather playing on the fact that he still needed his "mommy". It is a difficult thing to let my baby grow up but I know it's necessary, so I am in the process of letting go. This, I don't expect to happen over night, but I do hope it happens in such a way that it instills in me a sense of joy and pride (there's that self-serving side) that I have done a good job of raising him and letting go.

Which brings me back to "love". How can someone claim to love when they hold onto so much hate? And by holding on I mean, focusing on all the bad things that have happened to them in their lives like some strange blanket that covers them holds them prisoner to it and will not be pulled back. I find it interesting when people say, I have let go, yet still act and speak as though they haven't. If you have let go, then there is no need to continuously remind anyone who would listen about the travesties you have endured. Do you enjoy listening to others go on and on about their problems? Do you feel jealousy when someone you know is happy or in a place of personal peace? If you take comfort in people who only focus on their problems and are jealous of those who have moved on or are happy, then you enjoy wallowing in your misery and you have NOT let go. LIAR!

You know that saying "misery loves company"? Well truer words have not been spoken in my opinion. When you focus so intently on your problems and your "victim hood" that's what you are constantly manifesting. How can you possibly expect love to come to you? Love is a positive thing, it does not find comfort with misery. That would be a contradiction, unless of course you "love misery" then hey, there's probably no hope for you, so give up trying and stop wasting your time. Harsh? You bet.

The thing is if you want to receive love you have to be willing to give love. Sometimes we give love and we don't get it in return. That's not because we have done something wrong, if your intentions a pure and without personal gain, you should by all accounts receive love. If you don't, then maybe your misdirecting it. That individual does not love you back, let it go, you cannot force someone to love you, that's so fundamentally wrong. If you are so fortunate to have someone love you back (not your children) then you are "right loving". IF someone loves you with all their heart and you turn your back on them because you don't love them, is that wrong? When it's the other way around we think it is. So why not when we no longer love? Because we are self-serving.

In my marriage, I loved my husband. He admitted to me that he didn't think he was capable of love, because he didn't feel he was loved by his parents. That's sad. As a parent I know a parents love can be so endless for their child, yet he feels he did not experience this with his parents. Is he broken or are they? Who knows, all I know is I never truly felt he loved me the way a husband should. The love of a child is unconditional, the love you experience with others has conditions, undeniably. There is no way anyone can tell me that they love another human (not their child) unconditionally. Only God and dogs are capable of this, which might be why dog is God spelt backwards. When we wish for true love we should not be so naive to think it does not come with conditions. BUT you can attain unconditional love however you must first love unconditionally. You are capable, you do it with your children. Use that as your template, as your guide.

Any new relationship comes with the "roller coaster" feeling, is that love? It's probably fear and excitement somewhat like what you would experience on a real roller coaster. After a time this feeling disappears. Why? Well here's a theory. Early on in a relationship we are discovering everything there is to know about the other person and vice verse, to not risk loosing the relationship we act a certain way, mostly accommodating. Then after a time, we settle into a routine, sometimes sooner sometimes later, it depends on the individuals involved. Then an issue arises, and one "lover" decides it's now OK to say how they really feel or what they really think about this issue. The other "lover" may be taken aback by this and in defence may also feel they can say what they really think. It's not that they weren't being honest with each other in the beginning, they were just avoiding sensitive issues that might destroy this new fragile relationship. So what happens? Lover 1 says something to hurt Lover 2's feelings, lover 2 retaliates and says something back, you know how it goes. Now tell me this do you think these two lovers still have the same degree of love for each other? Or has it now been reduced a degree? I suppose it depends on how strongly they feel about the issue. Either way, we slowly sabotage our relationship every time we hurt our lover.

Does that mean we shouldn't discuss issues? NO not at all, just approach the issue like you don't want to damage your relationship. Be mindful that what you say may hurt the one you love. Choose your words carefully, DO NOT lay blame or accuse. Approach it with a solution in mind, and use the all important "I" statements. Love isn't designed to hurt, so why do people assume it does? It's not the love that hurts, it's the loss. LOSS hurts like hell. Loss of a loved one to death, the loss of a relationship, lost love. Love feels great, loss hurts, this is your mantra for today. If you don't want to loose your love, work hard to prevent the loss. In a marriage when one spouse decides they don't love their husband or wife, it's going to hurt the other spouse, because of the loss of love, not because of the love.

So why on earth would we subject ourselves to the possibility of such hurt? Well, human nature I suppose. When we are raised in a loving home by loving parents it's the most natural thing to want that to continue that trend throughout our lives. When we are raised in a home that is devoid of love, we crave it and in most cases to devastating ends. My ex-husband is a great example of "wrong love". He feels he is incapable of real love because of his upbringing, I was raised in a very loving environment. I feel I know what "right love" is and truly hoped I could teach him and that he would be a willing student but life happened and it didn't work out as I hoped. I still love my ex-husband, he's the father of our children, and for that I will always love him, HOWEVER, I am not in love with him, because he is not in love with me I have let go. It must be two sided to work. Oh and as side note, there are still times were I absolutely loathe the ground he walks on because of the hurt due to loss, but I let it go.

So when we wish for love what are we really wishing for? And does our current behaviour towards others manifest love to us? If not then don't bother asking because you're not going to get it, and further more what makes you think you deserve it? You can't let go of your misery, why would God, grant you someone to make miserable? How is that fare to the poor soul? What have YOU done to think you are so deserving? Why are you in a position to want this so badly when lo and behold you might have turned your back on love you were already given? Have you taken the gift God granted you and threw it away? What makes you think you deserve another one, maybe one that fits your ideals of what's right for you, and not Gods? Do you think He messed it up the last time? "My God, my God, why have you forsaken me" (Mat 27:46-50 NIV) Look in the mirror, it's the other way around, NO MATTER how much you pray.

The moral of this blog is, if unconditional love is what you are asking to receive, you must first give it unconditionally. Do not think vengeful thoughts towards others, because vengeance will rain down on you. Do not hold onto your misery and victim hood, because you will only receive misery and be victimized. Do not continually wallow in the horrors of your past, as it is done and cannot be relived except in your wallowing. Look to the future with all the love in your heart, love towards fellow man, to mother earth and ultimately to God and the universe, because they love you back UNCONDITIONALLY. Or at least they will if you just LET GO.

With much love and light.

Tammy.