Crisis Of Faith Averted.

I've discovered the answer I've been searching for and it was always right there, I just needed to listen.

Now, a little history.  I was baptised Anglican when I was a baby yet never set foot in an Anglican Church.  My paternal grandmother followed a myriad of religions one of which was Baptist because her second husband was a Baptist minister, for the most part she was a TV Christian and she made sure my parents sent us to Sunday school.  I was in elementary school when I decided to become Catholic, the religion I chose.  Mostly because my maternal grandparents were devout Catholics and they and my mom would bring my sister and I to church on a regular basis.  Thus began my formal religious training.  By that I mean, Catechism and Confirmation into the Catholic Church. I listened and believed.

Then my maternal grandmother died.  I'm sure it was with her death that my belief system suffered it's first trauma.  I doubted if there was a heaven or a God, my biggest fear for my grandmother was that she was floating around in the darkness of space wondering where her heaven was.  This thought both saddened and terrified me so I started looking for answers.  This was in 1990.  Since then I have experimented with various religious beliefs looking for what I felt to be sufficient balance between what I was taught and what I'd experienced over the years.

The Buddhist philosophy is the most kind, organised religion the most scary.  The things people do in the name of their God or religion is astonishing.  Buddhism isn't really a religion as it is a way of life.  I like the whole "Cease to do evil, endeavor to do good" mantra but on a whole Buddhism is just not for me.

I do believe in life after death I believe in reincarnation and Karma but I have a hard time believing that I can come back as a bug if I'm not a good human in this life.  I believe that once a human always a human.  Which lead me to a more Spiritual path.  This one I could really sink my teeth into.  I had always been fascinated with Astrology.  I think it's a great way to help us understand each other.  Once you get deeply into it that is.  What you read in the daily horoscopes is a really vague picture.  To do an in depth astrological reading takes years of training and far more information than your birthday.  But I digress...

As I was saying, all things Spiritual sat well with me.  My first realisation came while I was on maternity leave with my daughter in 1997 and Sally Jesse Rafael had a woman from England on her show named Rosemary Altea.  Rosemary had written a book called Proud Spirit.  Rosemary is a well known (in my circle) medium and healer.  Well as soon as I could I bought the book and absolutely devoured it.  I found some of the answers I had started looking for seven years prior.

And for the record Rosemary believes in God and Jesus.  She's not a devil worshiping occultist everything she teaches is what we call " Working in the light" nothing dark or sinister about it.  Unlike some religions who like to use scare tactics on their followers, there's your "evil".  This began my insatiable curiosity to know more, to learn how to communicate with those who have passed and those who are working in Spirit towards the betterment of man kind.  As I type this I am reminded of how easily one can be pulled off their path when faced with adversity.

I spent the better part of the past thirteen years developing my own skills.  I chose to take the path of a healer.  I have had the honour of working with some remarkable people here on the Earth plain as well as those in Spirit. I have witnessed first hand my connection to the Universe and for what ever reason lately I've forgotten about it.  I think because I have not continued with my personal work in this area.  Not that I don't want to, it's just I have not had an opportunity.  Excuses excuses I know but it's really hard to meditate with a house full of people. Especially when you're the only one who believes in this particular form of Spirituality.

What does this mean to my crisis of faith? I think it means that I need to re-discover my Spirituality and not in the conventional way I had thought.  I was about to re-enter a Catholic church thinking this would help but I know deep down it would only serve to fuel my fire of questions.  I believe in a Divine Creator, I believe in an unseen universe populated with our loved ones who have passed as well as a vast collection of guides and teachers who are working in harmony without our knowledge to ensure Mother Earth continues to spin.  I can't believe I managed to forget what it was I truly believed all because I got caught up in a tragedy that made me question the existence of God, or more so the God to whom so many subscribe.

Organized religions require a certain amount of blind faith from their followers in order to be a viable organization and in doing so remove the individuals need to question by providing their answers.  That's perfectly fine as long as no one gets hurt.  Believe what you will, I'm not going to buy in.  I know what I've experienced in my quest for answers.  I have been embraced by my Divine Creator, I have made contact with my personal guides and teachers I even have the pleasure of knowing my Guardian Angel, he is of a masculine energy named Alistair he's huge and beautiful and has the most amazing eyes that I can only describe as "World Eyes" because they resemble the planet Earth from outer space. 

I know deep down what I believe, I know I have experienced many lives here on this planet every last one of them a learning experience that I have taken into my next.  I know I am a healer that's why my presence calms certain sensitive individuals.  I have gifts that were given to me by the Divine Creator and I have learned to use them.  I don't need to question any longer, the answer was always there, I was just confused by an event that happened to one of "God's Children" that made me question the existence of such a God. 

They are comforted in their knowledge of their God, I am comforted in the knowledge of my Divine Creator or for lack of a better term, my God.  And believe me on this one.  I have stood in the presence of my God, and I understand. I know now why and it's not exactly what you may think.

You see, before we are born, when we are in Spirit helping from this place best described as heaven we make a decision to come back.  The time and lesson are predetermined and we agree to this contract.  We are able to choose the life lesson we are in need of learning, after all that's why the planet exists it's a giant class room.  We also decide how long we want to be here.  There is free will here on Earth, but in Spirit it's more a collective.  Everyone is working towards good and only good.  So why is there evil here on earth...good old free will, the gift we are given at birth.  So our soul is born and only residual memories of our Spiritual existence are present as well as some past life experiences.

For example, I could not for the life of me figure out why I was afraid to swim in a lake, no problem with pools, lakes freaked me out.  I had the opportunity to experience a past life regression where I discovered that I had drown in green murky water (this past life regression was not specifically to find this out, we were learning how to preform a regression so there were no "suggestions").  That put my fear of lakes to rest just knowing that about myself.  Anyway as I was saying we are given free will and by the free will of others we are taught and we loose our innocence.  Some go too far the wrong way, a baby is not born a serial killer. Somewhere along the way something goes terribly wrong.  Like I said we are here to learn, Spirit can only guide those who listen. 

There were many times these past thirteen years that I have failed to listen but when I do my life is wonderful.  When I ignore the subtle signs being given, things go frightfully bad.  So as I return to my path knowing that it is the right path for me and only me I am comforted by the thought that we are here for as long as we requested. To learn the lesson we chose and once that is done, we are done.  We go back to Spirit, we go home.  We recuperate, we perhaps take what we've learned and guide others on the Earth plain or we come back to continue our quest for knowledge.  There is no real right or wrong to the process, the process just is. 

I have a feeling I'm going to be around for a while, my very recent past life wasn't a long one and I have a feeling I've requested this one be long.  I see myself really really old, happy and alert but really old.  Something to look forward to without questioning why.  Just imagine the wealth of knowledge I will be taking back with me when I leave, that's got to be a benefit to someone some day or why would we bother?

With much love, light and comfort in my beliefs,
Tammy.