It seems I'm always blogging about everything that happens around me. The reason I started this blog was to release my "Random Thoughts" a therapeutic way of letting go of all that goes on in my head. I'm not entirely sure that's been happening to the extent I was hoping. So I'm going to release. Some of this will be negative, I have to clear it out and my way of doing that is to write. Some will be positive, I will try to keep it balance.
Since starting this blog and even before hand I've encountered all sorts of ups and downs that recently have come to a head. This biggest one is my ex. NOW don't get me wrong here, I left him because I could not see our future together any longer. Our marriage was always more a business deal than romantic encounter. He didn't propose, we shook hands when we decided to get married and the only reason that happened was because I wanted the same last name as my kids. His original suggestion was I legally change my name.
So you see, not much real love there, BUT, there was a sense of family. This was lost when I left and in so many ways and I miss that. I miss my in-laws even though I'm still in contact with them because of my kids. I miss our friends, the ones that were his friends first. I don't get invited to functions anymore because we are no longer together and we are both with some one else. Too uncomfortable for everyone, I get that. It still hurts though.
I sometimes think "if only". If only I had tried harder, if only he loved me, if only I didn't want more, if only I wasn't so selfish. Would we still be together? Could we be happy? I know the answer to this. No. We were done before we began it just took me a while to realise it.
The other night we sat next to each other at our sons band Christmas concert. We always show a united front for the kids. They need to see that their parents are capable of getting along even though they still have their moments. The kids need to know they are and always will be our top priority. So we sit and watch and because he's taking pictures needs to lean towards me. This makes me uncomfortable so a move over a bit. He's never been one who notices personal space and I need mine. He was oblivious.
As we sit and listen to the choir it gets me thinking about past Christmas's when we were together, probably the best times in our marriage. And an overwhelm sadness descends upon me to the point of near tears. This started the snowball of thoughts that initially prompted my need to blog about myself. I need to let go.
I mentioned we are both with significant others. I live with mine. This has not been an easy transition but it has been far less stressful than when I was with my ex. That being said it has opened up a whole new world of "in-law" type people and a new set of friends (I do have my own friends, just to clarify). All who have been so kind in their acceptance of me. That makes me happy but I still feel uneasy about it like it could all just pop like a balloon and be gone, because it can.
I hang on and even though I feel maybe not as complete as I would like I keep reminding myself I'm better off now. I don't drive home after work with a pain in my stomach because I don't know what I will be dealing with when I get there. I drive home and I feel nothing. Not that that's bad it's just that. I drive home. There is never an uneasy feeling I don't do a mental inventory of what I might have done to cause a conflict when I get there. I pretty much just drive home, park, let the dogs out and start dinner. Pretty routine.
What am I missing that I feel so empty? Last night as I sat and the band played Christmas tunes I thought to myself. "I HATE MY LIFE!" How pathetic is that? Do I really? Or was I just feeling sorry for myself? Probably the latter. I think what it is that I dislike so much is this isn't what I had hoped for when I was younger. I wanted the house and picket fence and a whole slew of babies, I wanted to be a stay at home mom who baked cookies and went on field trips with my kids class. That's what I had envisioned and none of it happened. My kids are growing up and I missed out on so much because I HAD to work.
They say our lives are what we make of them but sometimes you have help, and not necessarily in a good way. Even now as I type this I wonder what it is I want out of life anymore. I really don't know. That's not true, I do know but it's unrealistic so what's the point?
Christmas 2006 the last Christmas I was with my ex I received the book The Secret from him, well from me actually as usual I bought ALL the gifts wrapped and put the corresponding tos and froms on them. I read the book and did what it said to do. I asked to be released from my loveless marriage and to find someone who's just like me, who really understands me.
Well, they say be careful what you wish for. And for me it actually happened. I left my ex and found someone who could really relate to me who truly understands ME. We were and still are very much the same. This is a good thing, it's also a very bad thing. We know exactly what makes us tic and we know how to tic each other off. Although it happens infrequently it does happen.
I'm a firm believer that opposites though may attract they are still opposite, or opposing. My ex and I, total opposites. I'm an introvert, he's an extrovert. I was weak willed he was strong willed. I was the peace keeper he was the warrior. We did not work well together. Currently living with someone who is so much like me is easy, almost too easy. We don't have to talk to each other we can just "be". He says I calm him when he's uptight about something with just my presence. Well I'm far more content when he's around. We can exist peacefully together. That doesn't mean we have the ultimate peaceful existence. We don't. We've had our share of battles of differing opinions but we always manage to either let it go or come to a compromise even if it's in the most subtle way or unusual way.
I'm the type that's hurt easily. I don't take criticism well which is probably why I try really hard not to openly criticize others. I will bite my tongue off first (except when it comes to dealing with my ex, he can rile me up like no other). So when I'm faced with criticism I shut down. I wallow and I try to justify why I did or said what I did internally. I'm a terrible debater so arguing a point generally falls flat and is reduced to angry words that can't be reversed. So I avoid confrontation as much as humanly possible.
The other day I was told that I said something that does not shed a positive light on the subject of the comment. That's about as close to describing the situation without giving it away completely as I'm willing to get. Anyway, this hurt me deeply and made me feel badly towards the person who pointed it out. It bothered me all day. I struggled to justify it, and I managed a pathetic justification that made me feel better. But I think what it was that hurt me the most was the realisation that I had acted so inappropriately when I know better. But as with all things this all passed and drifted off to the Universe to be dealt with. All is well again in my world, well almost.
Christmas is just around the corner and for me it's a very emotional time. I'm not entirely sure why though, this baffles me. I listen to Christmas music and it can so easily bring me to tears, even the really upbeat happy songs? I talk to my self and tell myself I'm just a big baby but really am I? Christmas for me is the ultimate family experience and when I was growing up there was never a shortage of family to celebrate the season with. Now that the dynamics of my family have changed and I have to adjust to less family it's a sad time for me as much as it is a happy one.
This Christmas will be no different than the last or any before. Christmas morning (the 26th for us this year) the kids will get up and open their gifts, I'll start the turkey and make a huge breakfast, everyone will be happy, how could they not be? I will be busy and this will keep my mind preoccupied. Once the dust settles and the day is done will I feel satisfied it was what I expected? I don't know, check back on the 27th and I'll post something about it. What I do know is this, next Christmas I will feel the same way, I've come to expect it and well if it were to change then I would be at a loss.
So this is where I am right at this moment. Next year will be a great year! For some reason I do better on odd numbered years so here's hoping. There's really nothing in particular I would like to see happen like I said earlier wishing for the impossible I've learned is pointless, or is it? I'm still putting it out there because you never know.
Have a very Merry Christmas and Happy Healthy New Year! I'm panning too!
With much love, light and feeling a little lighter!
Tammy.
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