I need to get this off my chest before I explode!
Why is it certain individuals inhabiting this earth feel entitled? Or how about this one. Why do they feel the world owes them something? I really don't get people like that mostly because I'm the one who usually has to give them what they want. Is it my fault? Have I entitled them, ya probably and now I'm all angry about it. Should I direct my anger at them or myself?
The reason this has come to a head is I am trying to wrap my brain around my soon to be teenage daughter's attitude of entitlement. Is this a tween/teen thing or have I spoiled her too much trying to make her happy every time she appears unhappy? Which by the way is occurring more and more frequently. So what do I do? I have started this ball rolling and it is picking up momentum. My daughter rarely asks for anything yet when she gets nothing she acts all sullen and sulky, until I drag out of her what is bothering her. Then my bank account is considerably dented. Is throwing gifts at her wrong? In my attempt to cheer her up, should I just let her sulk until she realizes she won't always get what she wants? I know the answer to that one but it's hard to do because she is sometimes deserving because of her patients.
This child has always been a mystery to me. We used to say she was born old when she was younger, she seemed wise beyond her years, and certainly never acted childish, even when she was a child. Baby talk was a huge no no around her. At 18 months old, her Nana asked her if she wanted her baba, her reply was, "Nana, sheep says baba, it's a bottle". Her nana almost fainted at that one! Of course we laugh about it but I should have seen then what a challenge she was going to be.
The one thing I know she lacks is empathy. This is a trait inherited from her father, he even admitted it to me when we spoke this morning about how to deal with her. He too feels entitled and is extremely judgemental, he claims it's because he wasn't taught any differently. That may be so, but he sees this trait in his daughter and he doesn't like it, he understands it though and therefore tolerates it as long as it's not directed at him. He will be the first to put her in her place if she's being ungrateful. However having him teach her about empathy and compassion and tolerance would be, well, useless.
Please don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and when she is hurting I hurt. I would walk on broke glass to the end of the earth for her. She is intelligent and beautiful, two traits that will take her far in life as long as she is not what some would call a bitch. And trust me the path she is currently on is leading her that way. I have had words with her about this and her attitude towards others, I don't know if any of it sunk in, to date I would guess not after what I witnessed this morning.
You see, she and her brother are within walking distance from school when they are at their dad's and even though it's a little out of my way, I will drive to his house pick them up and drive them to school. His area is quite hilly and they do complain if they are packing a heavy load. Besides, I don't mind, this way I get to see them every day. This morning was a little different because I had my partners two boys with me because he had a volleyball tournament to go to with his daughter and wasn't able to drive the boys to school, so naturally I volunteered. That being said when my daughter saw my partners oldest in the front seat, her usual spot she was not too happy, more so because she was forced to sit in the very back because the two seater in the middle was occupied by her brother and my partners youngest.
Well the daggers thrown at me were almost tangible. She was unimpressed and it was written all over her face. She would have to sit in the back for all of two to three minutes the length of time it takes to drive to their school, yet I may as well have asked her to eat worms. When we arrived at their school, my son hopped out wished me a good day and was off to his classroom. My daughter got out, gave me a dirty look and stormed off, I called after, "your welcome" not that she heard, but still I made my point if only to myself. Just once, I would love for her to say, thanks mom, even if she's mad at me. But again, she feels she's entitled to this and therefore exempt from being grateful. My son still kisses me on the cheek and wishes me a good day before he hops out of the van, but he doesn't have empathy issues.
My wish for my daughter is that she grow up a nice person. My worry is that she won't. How do I change this? Obviously buying her everything she wants isn't working, and that will stop. She will learn empathy and compassion and tolerance if it kills me, I will not let her grow up to be a bitch, I will not let that happen. But how? Her father suggested having her volunteer with special needs kids, that it may teach her humility. The thing is she has to want to do this. Forcing her will only make matters worse, and alienate her further. I need to come up with a plan, and have her buy in. This will not be an easy task because she is so uninterested on so many levels.
Another issue, is her disrespect for adults, more so adults in her life, the general public is safe. She can be very rude but in a way so subtle that you almost miss it. She is not happy with my current relationship, and that's too bad because for the most part we allow her her space and privacy and do our best to ensure her happiness. I don't make demands on her like her father does, with helping in the kitchen and such, all I ask is that she act as though she is a member of the family and not like we are inconveniencing her with our presence. When she arrives at my house, she storms up to her room and that's the last we see of her until dinner and even then it's very brief.
I don't want to make her feel unwelcome in my home, but she certainly doesn't act as though she wants to be there. If my partners kids are there then she makes herself even less accessible. She doesn't interact with them, she doesn't interact with her brother either, so I guess she is treating them like siblings. She's not mean to anyone except her brother, she just ignores the other kids. She is not adapting well to the family dynamic as it is currently and I doubt she ever will. I know she understands why her father and I are not together but I think she would rather have me all to herself and not have to share me with four other people, not just her brother.
One day, she will grow up and realize it doesn't pay to be elusive to others, that rudeness will not get you far. One day she will be a beautiful successful woman whom people will look up to. I am so proud of her accomplishments in school, I look at her and cannot believe she came from me, her beauty is timeless. My heart wants her to be the best person she can be, I just don't think she understands how detrimental her attitude is to who she will become. I will get her through this, because I know it needs to be done and done in such a way as not to damage her. I just wish I had the words to make her understand that I'm not trying to hurt her, but I see how she is hurting herself.
With much love, light and hope,
Tammy.
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