I have been giving this some thought lately. Every now and then I check out the job ads on Craigslist just to see what's out there. It's not that I'm unhappy with my job, I just feel the overwhelming need for a change. Why do I need change so often? As I look back I see a definite pattern and here's what I've found.
I have never had a job for more than four to five years. Most of the job changes I have made have been to better my position or for more money or relocation. However, at about the four year mark I start getting restless. Maybe it's boredom, maybe it's just the way I'm wired but after day in and day out of the same old thing it wears on me. I'm just now approaching the four year anniversary of my current position and although I have taken a gander at what's out there in my area of expertise, I just don't have the motivation or energy to make that change. Am I happy were I am? Maybe, or maybe I've become complacent. Honestly, my job isn't difficult at all. It's just not challenging. I could do it with my eyes closed, and sometimes I do.
What I'm finding as I explore why I feel this way is because I'm not challenged I'm no longer interested. I could probably take on new tasks but why? I have enough un-started new tasks to keep me busy for a long while, yet I'm unmotivated to start them. There is even monetary incentive to complete them but really my heart is not in it and honestly I just don't feel like it. I know I'm doing a huge disservice to the company I work for yet, I can't bring myself the either get on with it or leave.
So as I ponder my options, a thought comes to mind. Maybe I just need a vacation, a real vacation were I can get on a plane and go somewhere. Last year I was given the task of obtaining software support contract renewals. My goal with $60,000.00 for the year and if I made my "stretch" goal of $80,000.00 I would be given an additional $1,500.00 towards a trip to Disneyland. Well I made my stretch goal and have this prize waiting for me but for some reason I feel paralyzed to take it.
I have looked online for deals and for the time period I was hoping to go and there isn't anything available yet. Another reason for this paralysis is the fact that I am in a relationship with someone who has three kids and the $1,500.00 would not cover the cost for all of us to go. Not that I don't want them there, but I did promise my kids when their dad and I split up that I would take them to Disneyland, and until now have not done so.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, yet I don't want to upset my kids by not taking just them, this is something they have longed for as well as the other three, but it's just not financially possible at this time to take everyone. Not to mention my partner and his kids don't have their passports so flying is out of the question and then there is the matter of him gaining permission to take them across the border. All these factors have caused me to seriously consider my options. If I were to change jobs now I will loose my three weeks vacation for this year, as well as the opportunity to take the kids to Disneyland. Not that my employer would withhold the money, I just don't want to cause an issue financially that I can't take them at all.
So, is it a change of scene or scenery? At this point I think I'll stay put at work, like I said I don't have the energy to look for another job. As for the trip, only time will tell. I committed to finding a suitable "deal" withing the next few months and need to stick to that. I also need to figure out a way to take my kids without hurting anyone's feelings, and because inevitably feelings will be hurt I will likely not go anywhere and thus disappoint my kids yet again. One saving grace, I have not told my kids that this is even a possibility, so if they never find out then they won't be hurt right? Who am I kidding they have been waiting for this for three years I really don't want to disappoint them again.
What to do, what to do? This might be the cause of my restlessness, the thought of having to do something yet not knowing what to do. In a perfect world, I would have the courage to say what it is I want, but it's not and apparently I'm a coward when it comes to asserting my wants and needs. It would absolutely devastate me to know I have directly caused someone else pain. I honestly haven't a clue how to proceed with this. I'll stay put, but I need to get away, for promises I made to two of the most important people in my life, to disappoint them would also be devastating. What to do, what to do? And then, another thought...
I have always longed to travel but have been paralyzed to do so. Maybe that's the underlying problem. Maybe I'm looking for an excuse to not be able to go. All these years of longing, yet not doing. I know I have a fear of leaving home, I am not comfortable crossing the border and for the short periods that I have it was with a sigh of relief that I made it back to Canada. It's the strangest thing, and stranger still to come to this realization. I see were my paralysis lies, I don't know what to do about it. Why do I fear a "big" vacation? Yet it's something I have longed for well, forever. When I lived in Toronto I would fly home to the safety of my parents home, yet I dream of lying on a warm tropical beach and at the same time am afraid to take that trip. I don't recall ever having a bad vacation with my parents when I was growing up, so why do I feel this way?
If knowing is half the battle, then what's the other half in this scenario? Conquering it? Ya, I get that, but there are several other factors to consider and maybe this battle is far to daunting for me. If I knew that my taking my kids on a vacation that I had promised them wouldn't cause a problem in my relationship, I would work hard to release my fear of traveling and just do it. But, I can't fathom why that would even be remotely acceptable. I know how I would feel if the shoe were on the other foot. Yet, I also know I would understand, because that's just how I am. Maybe this is not as bad as I'm thinking it is, maybe this is what I need to work through my issues and be a stronger better more grounded person. If I can get past this then coming back to a boring job won't seem so terrible.
Well, I have some time to work this out, as I said there are no deals just yet so I couldn't book a trip even if I wanted to. I will not tell my kids until I have the tickets in hand and I will try to do everything in my power to make this happen for them. I just can't bear the thought of disappointing my partner and his kids with not being able to afford to take them too. Even if we were to drive, it's an expensive trip for seven people. Not to mention the long and boring drive. Maybe the train? That might just be a plan. I will have to look into it and get back to you...
With much love, light and hope.
Tammy.
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