So Christmas has come and gone and for all the stressing I did before hand it really wasn't anything more or less than I expected.
This year for the first time since I've been back in BC my parents were able to be here for Christmas, that was nice, for me, for the kids and for them. They brought with them their two little dogs one is 8 months the other 3 months both Shi-tzu Poodle crosses, and soooo cute. Add to that my partners brother came for Christmas as well from out of town with his dog, a 4 year old pointer. So we had, for Christmas morning (our Christmas was on the 24th) 5 kids, 5 adults, 5 dogs and one cat who I'm sure thinks he's in the wrong house. It was chaotic but that's Christmas.
We had my partners mom and aunt along with his dad for dinner that evening and we managed to pull it off, it was good. But as the days have passed I can't help but feel that I have missed the point. I know what Christmas is about, I just wonder were it went? What I mean is, for all the stressing about making sure the kids had their lists fulfilled and all the prep that goes into pulling off the perfect (or as close to as humanly possible) Christmas dinner what does it really mean to me?
When I was a kid my parents always made sure my sister and I got our one "big" gift and a bunch of little ones, as I grew up the quantity changed and that was fine, we were taught to be grateful for what we received and we were. When I moved to Toronto my mom and dad would fly me home every other year and would come to Toronto on the years I wasn't coming home, it never happened that I was without family for Christmas, and for me that is so important.
When I moved back to Vancouver it was much easier to get home for Christmas, and I went often. The last time I went home for Christmas was in 1996 when I was pregnant with my daughter, I have not been to my parents house for Christmas since then. My ex hated the 7 hour drive to the small northern BC city were they live, and he loathed being there for any amount of time. Year after year I would try to convince him to drive up and year after year he would come up with reasons as to why we couldn't. So my mom and dad would make the drive south and whether it was just before or just after the 25th we would make our own Christmas with them and the kids.
Now that my ex and I are separated I don't foresee going to my parents for Christmas any year soon because of the shared holiday, unless I could convince him to fore go Christmas with the kids we will be home bound until the kids have left the nest. So it's nice that my parents were able to come for Christmas. More so now because my dad is retired and the prospect of loosing overtime for not being available to work over the holidays is no longer an issue, I'm happy to have them.
I would hope that I can instill in my kids that Christmas is not about what you get but who you spend it with. That family is far more important than any toy or trinket that will last until the next trend. Family will always be the most important gift any time of the year, but just a little more at Christmas. So when I hear my kids complaining about what they got or didn't get, it's hard not to feel that maybe I haven't done a very good job teaching them that Christmas is not about the gifts, but the gift of spending precious time with family.
So for me Christmas means spending time with loved ones, and not how much was spent on that latest gadget on the endless lists from hopeful children. That, all the stress and preparation that goes into one day is far less important than the people you are spending the day with. Yet I stress and prepare and fulfill lists the best I can and sit and wonder what it's all about. I know next year we will do this all again, and there may or may not be as many people or dogs but the stress and prep will be the same, and when it's all done and the dust has settled, I will probably ponder the same question. I already know the answer I always have.
When my kids are grown and have families of their own, I hope they will carry on the tradition of big family Christmases and that the gifts they buy their kids do not replace what I have tried to instill in them that Christmas is about so, so much more. That would be my most cherished gift.
So what does Christmas mean to me? One word, family.
With much love, light and a very Merry Christmas,
Tammy.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
No Time Like The Present
Christmas for me has always been somewhat bitter-sweet, I find it's stressful and exciting all at the same time. It's also a great time to put aside your issues and let by-gones, be by-gones.
What I'm referring to has to do with some people in my life who are struggling with issues that seem to linger and cause more pain for them than is necessary. I hope beyond hope that at least one of the individuals I am directing this particular blog at sees perhaps a different perspective and makes amends. My intention is to help fix this and nothing more.
It doesn't matter the events leading up to this, it is no longer a valid reason to turn their backs on each other and in such a painful way that there seems no hope of reconciliation. I'm hopeful though, it breaks my heart to think what BOTH of these individuals are doing to each other with their stubbornness and sadness. Maybe more so one than the other, but that really doesn't matter anymore. What matters is there is a mother who longs for her daughter, and a daughter who I'm sure is not so hardened that she does not long for her mother.
As a mother, it would devastate me to think my own daughter would turn her back on me and I would as her mother do everything in my power to fix things, even if it means apologising for something I did without the intent to hurt her. I would also, expect that if my daughter were so hurt by my actions that she would talk to me and not shut me out. I would hope that I had raised her with kindness and compassion that she would perhaps see my error and forgive me. As I would always forgive her.
This time of year, families gather to celebrate. There is nothing better than re-connecting with extended family and recounting Christmases past. For all the stress and hecticness that comes with this holiday season, it's nice to know that if you need a hand, you can call your mom or brother or sister, even aunt or uncle, and they will be there for you. I think about family members and friends who do not have their moms in their lives NOT because they have turned their backs on them but because they are no longer alive to share the joys of the lives of their children. To have a mother still with you is a blessing, to have a grandmother for your kids is an even greater blessing. To have siblings you can rely on and an extended family who is always welcoming is something you cannot buy in a store, and should not take for granted.
I don't care who you are if you extend your hand to a family member they will take it. What on earth could you have done that is so destructive that your own family would shut you out? Maybe it's time to look in the mirror and take stock. If there is no reason for them to have excluded you then what makes you think they have? If there were harsh or dishonest words spoken about you or from you about them well, ok it would be necessary for the offending party to apologise. BUT, if you can't even recall the reason, or worse still it's a silly misunderstanding then extend your hand and be a part of your family again.
My family has had it's feuds, what family hasn't? But we are still family and that's far more important than anything you will encounter in your years on this planet. Think about the future and the relationships you want to maintain with your own children and their spouses, their children for that matter. Would you not want to watch your grandchildren grow up? Why would you deny your own mother of that privilege or your own children? Who is being hurt in the long run, aside from the two of you? Your kids. They need their mom and grandma to unite, to be friends to be mother and daughter again. They long for this, it's not the same without it.
Please, for Christmas sake, let this go, put it behind you, grow from the experience and make amends. Who cares who's right or wrong, agree to disagree and go give her a HUGE hug. Believe me her heart cries for it.
Advice is easily given but hard to take. Think about what you would tell someone who you see hurting because they are alone or feel abandoned by their family. I know you would tell them exactly what I'm telling you now.
With much love, light and hope for you both.
Tammy.
What I'm referring to has to do with some people in my life who are struggling with issues that seem to linger and cause more pain for them than is necessary. I hope beyond hope that at least one of the individuals I am directing this particular blog at sees perhaps a different perspective and makes amends. My intention is to help fix this and nothing more.
It doesn't matter the events leading up to this, it is no longer a valid reason to turn their backs on each other and in such a painful way that there seems no hope of reconciliation. I'm hopeful though, it breaks my heart to think what BOTH of these individuals are doing to each other with their stubbornness and sadness. Maybe more so one than the other, but that really doesn't matter anymore. What matters is there is a mother who longs for her daughter, and a daughter who I'm sure is not so hardened that she does not long for her mother.
As a mother, it would devastate me to think my own daughter would turn her back on me and I would as her mother do everything in my power to fix things, even if it means apologising for something I did without the intent to hurt her. I would also, expect that if my daughter were so hurt by my actions that she would talk to me and not shut me out. I would hope that I had raised her with kindness and compassion that she would perhaps see my error and forgive me. As I would always forgive her.
This time of year, families gather to celebrate. There is nothing better than re-connecting with extended family and recounting Christmases past. For all the stress and hecticness that comes with this holiday season, it's nice to know that if you need a hand, you can call your mom or brother or sister, even aunt or uncle, and they will be there for you. I think about family members and friends who do not have their moms in their lives NOT because they have turned their backs on them but because they are no longer alive to share the joys of the lives of their children. To have a mother still with you is a blessing, to have a grandmother for your kids is an even greater blessing. To have siblings you can rely on and an extended family who is always welcoming is something you cannot buy in a store, and should not take for granted.
I don't care who you are if you extend your hand to a family member they will take it. What on earth could you have done that is so destructive that your own family would shut you out? Maybe it's time to look in the mirror and take stock. If there is no reason for them to have excluded you then what makes you think they have? If there were harsh or dishonest words spoken about you or from you about them well, ok it would be necessary for the offending party to apologise. BUT, if you can't even recall the reason, or worse still it's a silly misunderstanding then extend your hand and be a part of your family again.
My family has had it's feuds, what family hasn't? But we are still family and that's far more important than anything you will encounter in your years on this planet. Think about the future and the relationships you want to maintain with your own children and their spouses, their children for that matter. Would you not want to watch your grandchildren grow up? Why would you deny your own mother of that privilege or your own children? Who is being hurt in the long run, aside from the two of you? Your kids. They need their mom and grandma to unite, to be friends to be mother and daughter again. They long for this, it's not the same without it.
Please, for Christmas sake, let this go, put it behind you, grow from the experience and make amends. Who cares who's right or wrong, agree to disagree and go give her a HUGE hug. Believe me her heart cries for it.
Advice is easily given but hard to take. Think about what you would tell someone who you see hurting because they are alone or feel abandoned by their family. I know you would tell them exactly what I'm telling you now.
With much love, light and hope for you both.
Tammy.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
A Life In Turmoil
Recently I have been flung into the world of Autism. Unfortunately it's an "I told you so" situation and I'm the one saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"
Recently it has been suggested that my ADHD son may in fact be Autistic, or more specifically fall into the Autism Spectrum Disorder or Asperger's Syndrome, as well as ADHD and LD. And yes after extensive research this is all possible as the two are very similar in their characteristics and the area of the brain affected by both. The thing is, I'm not surprised not at all.
You see, when my son was an infant, I did what every good parent does, I vaccinated my baby at two and four months. However there was a noticeable difference in my son after his four month shot, he seemed to "go away" for lack of a better explanation. He was different, and because of this I chose not to have his six month shot. At that time, there was concern of the vaccination causing Autism, and I whole heartedly believe that this is what happened. Later on when he was to start kindergarten and needed his shots up to date, I had to explain why I chose not to vaccinate. The doctor at that time assured me that there was no conclusive evidence that the vaccine might cause Autism, so like a dutiful parent, he was updated. Now as I look back, I'm wondering if this is exactly what happened. Why would they consider it if it wasn't a possibility? All I know is he changed after the four month shot.
Over the years I struggled to understand why my son was different. Our close friends son was born two months before our son, and he developed normally and is successful in school with no issues, when I compared the two boys there was a marked difference in their comparative development. My friends son walked and talked sooner, and always seemed present. My son walked at about thirteen months while this is normal, he didn't really start talking until much later, more like eighteen months and always seemed in his own little world, so much so that he would seen to snap out of it when called (for the tenth time) We thought he was deaf for the longest time and had his hearing tested in kindergarten. At that time he was also in speech therapy because of his difficulty with pronunciation of some letters, which he did outgrow.
All the while, the nagging feeling something wasn't right was still keeping me up at night. He was fearless as a toddler and pre-schooler, he had an amazingly high pain threshold, yet loud noises drove him nuts. At daycare he fell from a tricycle and cut his head, the daycare workers had no idea until they saw the blood on the back of his shirt. He was stung by stingy nettles and didn't flinch while his sister screamed with the pain. There was definitely something not right here.
Pediatrician number one, said it's probably because we let him play with toy guns. OK not my first choice in play toys but they were a gift from his grandfather and he loved them. Also, perhaps it was a food allergy and we should just wait and see. Pediatrician number two, was an Autism "specialist" recommended by a neighbour who's own son had Asperger's and recognised some of the same traits in my son. Well this "specialist" said to wait until he's in kindergarten, and that he not likely Autistic because he can carry on a conversation. Humph.
Pediatrician number three said wait till he's in grade one. Finally pediatrician number four, Dr. David OuTim, said...try this if he's ADHD it will calm him down, if not he'll be bouncing off the walls for a few hours and we'll look at something else. FINALLY! At this time however, we were far more concerned with the hyperactivity and lack of focus which was very disruptive in his grade one class. The idea of him being Autistic didn't cross any one's mind because he was such a handful we were concerned he'd end up kicked out of school. However once he was on the correct dose of his medication he settled right down, it was like I had my son back! Yeah, now he can focus and learn, just like the other kids. Ya right.
Enter learning disability. Very ugly words, even uglier outlook for my boy. He is now in grade six and is at a learning level of about grade three, scary? Damn right. He seems to have just stopped retaining what he's being taught, he's stuck in grade three. Is this all I can hope for him? Maybe. We don't know right now, because as I said earlier, Autism has surfaced again. His pediatrician has requested referrals one to the Fraser Health Autism Network, as well as to a psychiatrist, who apparently is really the only professional who can properly diagnose Autism, that would have been helpful information eight years ago! Double damn.
All I want is an answer, why is my son so different? Why is it he can look at a Lego diagram and build what ever it is in no time flat? Why is it when he reads a sentence, it's just a row of words with no connection or meaning? Why does he still, at eleven, live in a perpetual fantasy world? Why is his reality so different from ours? Maybe we will finally get our answers, except now we have to wait six to eight months. Oh well, we will make due until then and until then I will continue to find out as much as I can just like I did with ADHD, so I am informed and armed for the eventual appointments that may change my son's life forever.
There is a silver lining, if he is Autistic, there is funding available for him to receive the help and support he will need. The school he attends now has been fantastic with their dealing with him, as well as making sure we are all on the same page. He gets allot of support now, and is of great concern to the teachers he has this year, and for that I am grateful. I do have hope for him, that I will always have, I will do everything in my power to ensure that he does not fall through the cracks. He's my baby boy and even if I can't fix him, I can help him grow up to be a valued member of society. If all else fails, he has a beautiful singing and maybe that will be the path he takes.
Recently it has been suggested that my ADHD son may in fact be Autistic, or more specifically fall into the Autism Spectrum Disorder or Asperger's Syndrome, as well as ADHD and LD. And yes after extensive research this is all possible as the two are very similar in their characteristics and the area of the brain affected by both. The thing is, I'm not surprised not at all.
You see, when my son was an infant, I did what every good parent does, I vaccinated my baby at two and four months. However there was a noticeable difference in my son after his four month shot, he seemed to "go away" for lack of a better explanation. He was different, and because of this I chose not to have his six month shot. At that time, there was concern of the vaccination causing Autism, and I whole heartedly believe that this is what happened. Later on when he was to start kindergarten and needed his shots up to date, I had to explain why I chose not to vaccinate. The doctor at that time assured me that there was no conclusive evidence that the vaccine might cause Autism, so like a dutiful parent, he was updated. Now as I look back, I'm wondering if this is exactly what happened. Why would they consider it if it wasn't a possibility? All I know is he changed after the four month shot.
Over the years I struggled to understand why my son was different. Our close friends son was born two months before our son, and he developed normally and is successful in school with no issues, when I compared the two boys there was a marked difference in their comparative development. My friends son walked and talked sooner, and always seemed present. My son walked at about thirteen months while this is normal, he didn't really start talking until much later, more like eighteen months and always seemed in his own little world, so much so that he would seen to snap out of it when called (for the tenth time) We thought he was deaf for the longest time and had his hearing tested in kindergarten. At that time he was also in speech therapy because of his difficulty with pronunciation of some letters, which he did outgrow.
All the while, the nagging feeling something wasn't right was still keeping me up at night. He was fearless as a toddler and pre-schooler, he had an amazingly high pain threshold, yet loud noises drove him nuts. At daycare he fell from a tricycle and cut his head, the daycare workers had no idea until they saw the blood on the back of his shirt. He was stung by stingy nettles and didn't flinch while his sister screamed with the pain. There was definitely something not right here.
Pediatrician number one, said it's probably because we let him play with toy guns. OK not my first choice in play toys but they were a gift from his grandfather and he loved them. Also, perhaps it was a food allergy and we should just wait and see. Pediatrician number two, was an Autism "specialist" recommended by a neighbour who's own son had Asperger's and recognised some of the same traits in my son. Well this "specialist" said to wait until he's in kindergarten, and that he not likely Autistic because he can carry on a conversation. Humph.
Pediatrician number three said wait till he's in grade one. Finally pediatrician number four, Dr. David OuTim, said...try this if he's ADHD it will calm him down, if not he'll be bouncing off the walls for a few hours and we'll look at something else. FINALLY! At this time however, we were far more concerned with the hyperactivity and lack of focus which was very disruptive in his grade one class. The idea of him being Autistic didn't cross any one's mind because he was such a handful we were concerned he'd end up kicked out of school. However once he was on the correct dose of his medication he settled right down, it was like I had my son back! Yeah, now he can focus and learn, just like the other kids. Ya right.
Enter learning disability. Very ugly words, even uglier outlook for my boy. He is now in grade six and is at a learning level of about grade three, scary? Damn right. He seems to have just stopped retaining what he's being taught, he's stuck in grade three. Is this all I can hope for him? Maybe. We don't know right now, because as I said earlier, Autism has surfaced again. His pediatrician has requested referrals one to the Fraser Health Autism Network, as well as to a psychiatrist, who apparently is really the only professional who can properly diagnose Autism, that would have been helpful information eight years ago! Double damn.
All I want is an answer, why is my son so different? Why is it he can look at a Lego diagram and build what ever it is in no time flat? Why is it when he reads a sentence, it's just a row of words with no connection or meaning? Why does he still, at eleven, live in a perpetual fantasy world? Why is his reality so different from ours? Maybe we will finally get our answers, except now we have to wait six to eight months. Oh well, we will make due until then and until then I will continue to find out as much as I can just like I did with ADHD, so I am informed and armed for the eventual appointments that may change my son's life forever.
There is a silver lining, if he is Autistic, there is funding available for him to receive the help and support he will need. The school he attends now has been fantastic with their dealing with him, as well as making sure we are all on the same page. He gets allot of support now, and is of great concern to the teachers he has this year, and for that I am grateful. I do have hope for him, that I will always have, I will do everything in my power to ensure that he does not fall through the cracks. He's my baby boy and even if I can't fix him, I can help him grow up to be a valued member of society. If all else fails, he has a beautiful singing and maybe that will be the path he takes.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Another Year Older, And What Have I Done?
Well isn't that an interesting question. What have I done? What have I done about what?
When I look back on my year, I see allot of different situations that, had I the opportunity to do it over again I would definitely do it differently. When I think back over the past oh, at least 30 years, there are allot of things I would have done differently. It's not with regret that I look back now because for every decision and choice I have made has led me to where I am today and I'm not unhappy with where I am, I just wonder how different my life would be had I made different decisions. Would it be better, or worse?
When I was in school, I had aspirations of becoming a graphic artist and working in advertising, then someone told me it was really hard to get into advertising, and that you had to be very good. Well, I didn't have the best grades, and even though I graduated from high school, I really didn't have any ambition to further my education, this is my one "big" regret and because of this I am adamant that my kids do something after high school, be it university or a trade they must not settle on their high school education.
So I abandoned the idea of being a graphic artist, put away my talent and have not tried to revive it since. It's a shame because even as a hobby I'm sure it would do me well, yet I don't mostly because I just don't have the time. With that career abandoned I tried marketing my other qualities being my height and looks. So off to Toronto I went with the hopes of making it big as a model, HA! even bigger pipe dream.
What was I thinking? This is a way harder industry to succeed in. After an expensive modeling course, yes they have those, and some pretty pictures which were to make up my portfolio, well guess what? I'm not a model and not for lack of trying it just didn't pan out for me. Besides, I had a day job that paid and well and when you're supporting yourself that's far more important.
At 19 I was working in an office as a receptionist and at that age that's not a bad gig. I thoroughly enjoyed working there, I made some great friends, met my 1st husband and was having the time of my life. At least at the time that's what I thought. I moved from reception to the accounts payable position and so began my 22 year career in accounting. I never got my designation the timing never seemed right, or I just couldn't afford it. I did try once, when we moved back to Ontario in 1999 I took some cost accounting courses with the hope of becoming a CMA but, again it didn't happen.
I have long since given up the hope of going back to school and making something of myself, besides what would I like to become? I know I don't want to be an accountant, that ship has long since sailed. I think maybe marketing as it would help in my current position, but then no. Maybe something completely different like in health care, a nurse maybe, no. A massage therapist crossed my mind several years back but, again, no. I could see myself as a teacher, that I would like, but I don't have the time or the money to invest in getting my degree, so, no. What do I want to be when I grow up? I still haven't a clue and I'm 42! A poet? Hmmm maybe.
So I guess when I look back, what I should have done was get a post secondary education. Had I done that, I may not be looking back wondering how different my life would be now. I probably wouldn't have the two kids I have now, but I would have had kids this I know. I love the two I've got so that's one good thing that has come out of this. I have a home, I have a job, a great relationship, that although we have our moments they are few and far between, and way better than the one I left, one hundred fold. My kids are healthy, as am I and really we are happy. But...what if? That question still burns. What if?
What if I hadn't moved to Toronto three days after graduating from high school? Would I still be in that little mill town? Married to my high school sweetheart? Maybe, maybe not. Would I have met someone who encouraged me to get that education I so desperately desire? Maybe, maybe not. Would I be a stay at home mom, with the three kids I had always thought I would have. Would I be able to participate in class outings instead of having to apologise because I have no more vacation time to take in order to drive for the field trip. Maybe, but maybe not.
As I think back over the years, there are allot of ups and just as many downs. Right now, I'm up, really I am. I doubt I could recount all this if I were down, it would probably sound very different and far more depressing. I want my kids to learn from my poor decisions, and make sound solid well informed decisions. And yes I will be a huge pain in their butts making sure they make the right ones, because I know best, by experience, I know best. They may not appreciate it now or right away, but when they look back I don't want them to ask, what if?
I don't blame anyone but myself for my choices, my parents were supportive and encouraging in every thing I did, and never stepped in and said "are you sure?" Sometimes I'm sure they wanted to, but they let me live my life and I thank them for that. But sometimes I wonder if they had been a little harder on me for good grades, or insisted that I go to college or university how different my life might be. But that's not what happened and I am where I am because this is where I am. If I could, I'd go back and do it all differently but I can't and I accept that.
With much love, light and wonder.
Tammy.
When I look back on my year, I see allot of different situations that, had I the opportunity to do it over again I would definitely do it differently. When I think back over the past oh, at least 30 years, there are allot of things I would have done differently. It's not with regret that I look back now because for every decision and choice I have made has led me to where I am today and I'm not unhappy with where I am, I just wonder how different my life would be had I made different decisions. Would it be better, or worse?
When I was in school, I had aspirations of becoming a graphic artist and working in advertising, then someone told me it was really hard to get into advertising, and that you had to be very good. Well, I didn't have the best grades, and even though I graduated from high school, I really didn't have any ambition to further my education, this is my one "big" regret and because of this I am adamant that my kids do something after high school, be it university or a trade they must not settle on their high school education.
So I abandoned the idea of being a graphic artist, put away my talent and have not tried to revive it since. It's a shame because even as a hobby I'm sure it would do me well, yet I don't mostly because I just don't have the time. With that career abandoned I tried marketing my other qualities being my height and looks. So off to Toronto I went with the hopes of making it big as a model, HA! even bigger pipe dream.
What was I thinking? This is a way harder industry to succeed in. After an expensive modeling course, yes they have those, and some pretty pictures which were to make up my portfolio, well guess what? I'm not a model and not for lack of trying it just didn't pan out for me. Besides, I had a day job that paid and well and when you're supporting yourself that's far more important.
At 19 I was working in an office as a receptionist and at that age that's not a bad gig. I thoroughly enjoyed working there, I made some great friends, met my 1st husband and was having the time of my life. At least at the time that's what I thought. I moved from reception to the accounts payable position and so began my 22 year career in accounting. I never got my designation the timing never seemed right, or I just couldn't afford it. I did try once, when we moved back to Ontario in 1999 I took some cost accounting courses with the hope of becoming a CMA but, again it didn't happen.
I have long since given up the hope of going back to school and making something of myself, besides what would I like to become? I know I don't want to be an accountant, that ship has long since sailed. I think maybe marketing as it would help in my current position, but then no. Maybe something completely different like in health care, a nurse maybe, no. A massage therapist crossed my mind several years back but, again, no. I could see myself as a teacher, that I would like, but I don't have the time or the money to invest in getting my degree, so, no. What do I want to be when I grow up? I still haven't a clue and I'm 42! A poet? Hmmm maybe.
So I guess when I look back, what I should have done was get a post secondary education. Had I done that, I may not be looking back wondering how different my life would be now. I probably wouldn't have the two kids I have now, but I would have had kids this I know. I love the two I've got so that's one good thing that has come out of this. I have a home, I have a job, a great relationship, that although we have our moments they are few and far between, and way better than the one I left, one hundred fold. My kids are healthy, as am I and really we are happy. But...what if? That question still burns. What if?
What if I hadn't moved to Toronto three days after graduating from high school? Would I still be in that little mill town? Married to my high school sweetheart? Maybe, maybe not. Would I have met someone who encouraged me to get that education I so desperately desire? Maybe, maybe not. Would I be a stay at home mom, with the three kids I had always thought I would have. Would I be able to participate in class outings instead of having to apologise because I have no more vacation time to take in order to drive for the field trip. Maybe, but maybe not.
As I think back over the years, there are allot of ups and just as many downs. Right now, I'm up, really I am. I doubt I could recount all this if I were down, it would probably sound very different and far more depressing. I want my kids to learn from my poor decisions, and make sound solid well informed decisions. And yes I will be a huge pain in their butts making sure they make the right ones, because I know best, by experience, I know best. They may not appreciate it now or right away, but when they look back I don't want them to ask, what if?
I don't blame anyone but myself for my choices, my parents were supportive and encouraging in every thing I did, and never stepped in and said "are you sure?" Sometimes I'm sure they wanted to, but they let me live my life and I thank them for that. But sometimes I wonder if they had been a little harder on me for good grades, or insisted that I go to college or university how different my life might be. But that's not what happened and I am where I am because this is where I am. If I could, I'd go back and do it all differently but I can't and I accept that.
With much love, light and wonder.
Tammy.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Fear Of Rejection
Why do we fear rejection to an almost destructive end?
As babies one of the first words we learn is "NO". It's our parents attempt at keeping us from sticking something in the plug outlet, or touching the hot stove, or whatever perils we, as toddlers may encounter. For our safety, NO is a good thing, until we grow up that is.
As a child, NO can be far more intimidating. "Can I go to Mary's birthday party?" "NO" "It's on the same day as your dentist appointment and I'm not changing it." At some point we learn not to ask anymore because after the umpteenth "NO" expecting a "YES" becomes fleeting at best. Why get all excited just to be disappointed by rejection.
We hear "NO" far more than we hear "YES". Why is that? Do we ask for the wrong things? Are we asking the wrong person? What about the power of positive thought? How does that work when we are faced day in and day out with "NO"? There is nothing positive about rejection. We stop asking, and just start taking out of fear, and at times desperation.
Fear of rejection can be devastating on so many levels, it leads us to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. Why do we allow ourselves to to be rejected? How do we not? Rejection is not something we do to ourselves, it's what others do to us. Why? There has to be a reason, and likely it's because we are not approaching the "rejector" from the right angle. Typically we face rejection because we are requesting something from someone that they are either unable or unwilling to provide. So how do we change what we are asking for to facilitate a positive response. Well, you add "something in it for them". Simple.
When my ex was a child, he was told "NO" far more than "YES", how do I know this? Well, every request from our children is answered with "NO" even if it's something as simple as the request for a glass of water. Extreme? Not really, he doesn't think or process the request before answering, he is pre-programmed from years of conditioning, that the answer is "NO". He also has admitted that he felt very unloved by his parents. Not surprising, with what he endured as a child. Of course, I had worked very hard during our marriage to break him of this habit, and even now, I find myself playing mediator between him and the kids to ensure a fair playing field for my kids.
I on the other hand was not inundated with "NO" like he was. If there was something I needed or wanted my parents would try to make it happen, and if they couldn't they would come up with alternatives. Which is probably why I'm all about alternatives, and trying to give my kids for the most part what they want. I don't spoil them, I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I do work full time for a reason and sometimes their wishes and desires are out of reach for me. I do however let them know when their requests are unreasonable, I'm not that much of a push over. Because of this, they come to me first and even if it's something their dad should be providing (50/50 right) they fear his rejection, his "NO".
This has caused some issues between us, more so when we were together. However now that he's on his own in dealing with the kids and their many requests he has a new found appreciation of really listening to them before jumping on the "NO" bandwagon. That being said the kids still think he's cheep. And yah, they're right, he is cheep, unless it's something he wants for himself. He is extremely self centred, and generally those types have the "what's in it for me?" clause.
I'm a "YES" man (woman). I have a hard time saying no. Even if I have to sacrifice something for myself I will say "YES" before I say "NO". Bad, bad, bad, I know this. I have over extended myself so many times and been taken advantage of because of my inability to just say "NO". Even if something comes up and I have a prior commitment, I will do everything in my power to make it all happen. I am a master calendar juggler, I can plan and react like no one I know, yet...I'm always the one who gets burned in the end. I can't tell you how many times my good will has been taken advantage of, or for that matter, taken for granted.
The more I think about this the more cynical I become. "Next person to ask a favour, I'm not doing it." Yah right. Ask away, I'll do it and with a smile on my face so you think I'm happy to do this for you. Don't bother thanking me either, it's my pleasure, as always. The thing is, it isn't. I don't like constantly having to react to requests, or last minute plan changes, I just do it because I always have. May be it's a personality disorder? Maybe I'm supposed to do all this for a higher purpose. Why can I not say "NO" yet so many can?
I learned a valuable lesson recently, which prompted me to blog about this. I have been what seemed to me to be procrastinating about Christmas shopping. The truth is, I had started in October by getting some of the big ticket items for my kids out of the way. I have tried to get to it these past few weeks, but I had made promises to help with a variety of tasks that in all honesty I really didn't want to do. But as usual I couldn't say "NO" and because of this inability my needs have been pushed further and further down the list. I will get my shopping done, and most of it will be last minute as it always is, but for my sanity I will need to disappoint a friend in the process. Not something I ever wanted to do but my needs are important too.
I don't usually make New Years resolutions, but I think this year I just might. I resolve to saying "NO" if I really can't do something for some one, OR if I just don't want to. I'm tired of being the "go to girl" and if I loose friends well, they were probably not my friends in the first place and were likely just using me. As for my kids, well, what can I say. Disappointing them is far more devastating to me than any sacrifice I may have to make, so they are exempt. This I will attempt...I will have to get back to you on how successful, or not, I have been.
With much love, light and a big fat "NO!"
Tammy.
As babies one of the first words we learn is "NO". It's our parents attempt at keeping us from sticking something in the plug outlet, or touching the hot stove, or whatever perils we, as toddlers may encounter. For our safety, NO is a good thing, until we grow up that is.
As a child, NO can be far more intimidating. "Can I go to Mary's birthday party?" "NO" "It's on the same day as your dentist appointment and I'm not changing it." At some point we learn not to ask anymore because after the umpteenth "NO" expecting a "YES" becomes fleeting at best. Why get all excited just to be disappointed by rejection.
We hear "NO" far more than we hear "YES". Why is that? Do we ask for the wrong things? Are we asking the wrong person? What about the power of positive thought? How does that work when we are faced day in and day out with "NO"? There is nothing positive about rejection. We stop asking, and just start taking out of fear, and at times desperation.
Fear of rejection can be devastating on so many levels, it leads us to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. Why do we allow ourselves to to be rejected? How do we not? Rejection is not something we do to ourselves, it's what others do to us. Why? There has to be a reason, and likely it's because we are not approaching the "rejector" from the right angle. Typically we face rejection because we are requesting something from someone that they are either unable or unwilling to provide. So how do we change what we are asking for to facilitate a positive response. Well, you add "something in it for them". Simple.
When my ex was a child, he was told "NO" far more than "YES", how do I know this? Well, every request from our children is answered with "NO" even if it's something as simple as the request for a glass of water. Extreme? Not really, he doesn't think or process the request before answering, he is pre-programmed from years of conditioning, that the answer is "NO". He also has admitted that he felt very unloved by his parents. Not surprising, with what he endured as a child. Of course, I had worked very hard during our marriage to break him of this habit, and even now, I find myself playing mediator between him and the kids to ensure a fair playing field for my kids.
I on the other hand was not inundated with "NO" like he was. If there was something I needed or wanted my parents would try to make it happen, and if they couldn't they would come up with alternatives. Which is probably why I'm all about alternatives, and trying to give my kids for the most part what they want. I don't spoil them, I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I do work full time for a reason and sometimes their wishes and desires are out of reach for me. I do however let them know when their requests are unreasonable, I'm not that much of a push over. Because of this, they come to me first and even if it's something their dad should be providing (50/50 right) they fear his rejection, his "NO".
This has caused some issues between us, more so when we were together. However now that he's on his own in dealing with the kids and their many requests he has a new found appreciation of really listening to them before jumping on the "NO" bandwagon. That being said the kids still think he's cheep. And yah, they're right, he is cheep, unless it's something he wants for himself. He is extremely self centred, and generally those types have the "what's in it for me?" clause.
I'm a "YES" man (woman). I have a hard time saying no. Even if I have to sacrifice something for myself I will say "YES" before I say "NO". Bad, bad, bad, I know this. I have over extended myself so many times and been taken advantage of because of my inability to just say "NO". Even if something comes up and I have a prior commitment, I will do everything in my power to make it all happen. I am a master calendar juggler, I can plan and react like no one I know, yet...I'm always the one who gets burned in the end. I can't tell you how many times my good will has been taken advantage of, or for that matter, taken for granted.
The more I think about this the more cynical I become. "Next person to ask a favour, I'm not doing it." Yah right. Ask away, I'll do it and with a smile on my face so you think I'm happy to do this for you. Don't bother thanking me either, it's my pleasure, as always. The thing is, it isn't. I don't like constantly having to react to requests, or last minute plan changes, I just do it because I always have. May be it's a personality disorder? Maybe I'm supposed to do all this for a higher purpose. Why can I not say "NO" yet so many can?
I learned a valuable lesson recently, which prompted me to blog about this. I have been what seemed to me to be procrastinating about Christmas shopping. The truth is, I had started in October by getting some of the big ticket items for my kids out of the way. I have tried to get to it these past few weeks, but I had made promises to help with a variety of tasks that in all honesty I really didn't want to do. But as usual I couldn't say "NO" and because of this inability my needs have been pushed further and further down the list. I will get my shopping done, and most of it will be last minute as it always is, but for my sanity I will need to disappoint a friend in the process. Not something I ever wanted to do but my needs are important too.
I don't usually make New Years resolutions, but I think this year I just might. I resolve to saying "NO" if I really can't do something for some one, OR if I just don't want to. I'm tired of being the "go to girl" and if I loose friends well, they were probably not my friends in the first place and were likely just using me. As for my kids, well, what can I say. Disappointing them is far more devastating to me than any sacrifice I may have to make, so they are exempt. This I will attempt...I will have to get back to you on how successful, or not, I have been.
With much love, light and a big fat "NO!"
Tammy.
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