Well isn't that an interesting question. What have I done? What have I done about what?
When I look back on my year, I see allot of different situations that, had I the opportunity to do it over again I would definitely do it differently. When I think back over the past oh, at least 30 years, there are allot of things I would have done differently. It's not with regret that I look back now because for every decision and choice I have made has led me to where I am today and I'm not unhappy with where I am, I just wonder how different my life would be had I made different decisions. Would it be better, or worse?
When I was in school, I had aspirations of becoming a graphic artist and working in advertising, then someone told me it was really hard to get into advertising, and that you had to be very good. Well, I didn't have the best grades, and even though I graduated from high school, I really didn't have any ambition to further my education, this is my one "big" regret and because of this I am adamant that my kids do something after high school, be it university or a trade they must not settle on their high school education.
So I abandoned the idea of being a graphic artist, put away my talent and have not tried to revive it since. It's a shame because even as a hobby I'm sure it would do me well, yet I don't mostly because I just don't have the time. With that career abandoned I tried marketing my other qualities being my height and looks. So off to Toronto I went with the hopes of making it big as a model, HA! even bigger pipe dream.
What was I thinking? This is a way harder industry to succeed in. After an expensive modeling course, yes they have those, and some pretty pictures which were to make up my portfolio, well guess what? I'm not a model and not for lack of trying it just didn't pan out for me. Besides, I had a day job that paid and well and when you're supporting yourself that's far more important.
At 19 I was working in an office as a receptionist and at that age that's not a bad gig. I thoroughly enjoyed working there, I made some great friends, met my 1st husband and was having the time of my life. At least at the time that's what I thought. I moved from reception to the accounts payable position and so began my 22 year career in accounting. I never got my designation the timing never seemed right, or I just couldn't afford it. I did try once, when we moved back to Ontario in 1999 I took some cost accounting courses with the hope of becoming a CMA but, again it didn't happen.
I have long since given up the hope of going back to school and making something of myself, besides what would I like to become? I know I don't want to be an accountant, that ship has long since sailed. I think maybe marketing as it would help in my current position, but then no. Maybe something completely different like in health care, a nurse maybe, no. A massage therapist crossed my mind several years back but, again, no. I could see myself as a teacher, that I would like, but I don't have the time or the money to invest in getting my degree, so, no. What do I want to be when I grow up? I still haven't a clue and I'm 42! A poet? Hmmm maybe.
So I guess when I look back, what I should have done was get a post secondary education. Had I done that, I may not be looking back wondering how different my life would be now. I probably wouldn't have the two kids I have now, but I would have had kids this I know. I love the two I've got so that's one good thing that has come out of this. I have a home, I have a job, a great relationship, that although we have our moments they are few and far between, and way better than the one I left, one hundred fold. My kids are healthy, as am I and really we are happy. But...what if? That question still burns. What if?
What if I hadn't moved to Toronto three days after graduating from high school? Would I still be in that little mill town? Married to my high school sweetheart? Maybe, maybe not. Would I have met someone who encouraged me to get that education I so desperately desire? Maybe, maybe not. Would I be a stay at home mom, with the three kids I had always thought I would have. Would I be able to participate in class outings instead of having to apologise because I have no more vacation time to take in order to drive for the field trip. Maybe, but maybe not.
As I think back over the years, there are allot of ups and just as many downs. Right now, I'm up, really I am. I doubt I could recount all this if I were down, it would probably sound very different and far more depressing. I want my kids to learn from my poor decisions, and make sound solid well informed decisions. And yes I will be a huge pain in their butts making sure they make the right ones, because I know best, by experience, I know best. They may not appreciate it now or right away, but when they look back I don't want them to ask, what if?
I don't blame anyone but myself for my choices, my parents were supportive and encouraging in every thing I did, and never stepped in and said "are you sure?" Sometimes I'm sure they wanted to, but they let me live my life and I thank them for that. But sometimes I wonder if they had been a little harder on me for good grades, or insisted that I go to college or university how different my life might be. But that's not what happened and I am where I am because this is where I am. If I could, I'd go back and do it all differently but I can't and I accept that.
With much love, light and wonder.
Tammy.
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