Fear Of Rejection

Why do we fear rejection to an almost destructive end?

As babies one of the first words we learn is "NO". It's our parents attempt at keeping us from sticking something in the plug outlet, or touching the hot stove, or whatever perils we, as toddlers may encounter. For our safety, NO is a good thing, until we grow up that is.

As a child, NO can be far more intimidating. "Can I go to Mary's birthday party?" "NO" "It's on the same day as your dentist appointment and I'm not changing it." At some point we learn not to ask anymore because after the umpteenth "NO" expecting a "YES" becomes fleeting at best. Why get all excited just to be disappointed by rejection.

We hear "NO" far more than we hear "YES". Why is that? Do we ask for the wrong things? Are we asking the wrong person? What about the power of positive thought? How does that work when we are faced day in and day out with "NO"? There is nothing positive about rejection. We stop asking, and just start taking out of fear, and at times desperation.

Fear of rejection can be devastating on so many levels, it leads us to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. Why do we allow ourselves to to be rejected? How do we not? Rejection is not something we do to ourselves, it's what others do to us. Why? There has to be a reason, and likely it's because we are not approaching the "rejector" from the right angle. Typically we face rejection because we are requesting something from someone that they are either unable or unwilling to provide. So how do we change what we are asking for to facilitate a positive response. Well, you add "something in it for them". Simple.

When my ex was a child, he was told "NO" far more than "YES", how do I know this? Well, every request from our children is answered with "NO" even if it's something as simple as the request for a glass of water. Extreme? Not really, he doesn't think or process the request before answering, he is pre-programmed from years of conditioning, that the answer is "NO". He also has admitted that he felt very unloved by his parents. Not surprising, with what he endured as a child. Of course, I had worked very hard during our marriage to break him of this habit, and even now, I find myself playing mediator between him and the kids to ensure a fair playing field for my kids.

I on the other hand was not inundated with "NO" like he was. If there was something I needed or wanted my parents would try to make it happen, and if they couldn't they would come up with alternatives. Which is probably why I'm all about alternatives, and trying to give my kids for the most part what they want. I don't spoil them, I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I do work full time for a reason and sometimes their wishes and desires are out of reach for me. I do however let them know when their requests are unreasonable, I'm not that much of a push over. Because of this, they come to me first and even if it's something their dad should be providing (50/50 right) they fear his rejection, his "NO".

This has caused some issues between us, more so when we were together. However now that he's on his own in dealing with the kids and their many requests he has a new found appreciation of really listening to them before jumping on the "NO" bandwagon. That being said the kids still think he's cheep. And yah, they're right, he is cheep, unless it's something he wants for himself. He is extremely self centred, and generally those types have the "what's in it for me?" clause.

I'm a "YES" man (woman). I have a hard time saying no. Even if I have to sacrifice something for myself I will say "YES" before I say "NO". Bad, bad, bad, I know this. I have over extended myself so many times and been taken advantage of because of my inability to just say "NO". Even if something comes up and I have a prior commitment, I will do everything in my power to make it all happen. I am a master calendar juggler, I can plan and react like no one I know, yet...I'm always the one who gets burned in the end. I can't tell you how many times my good will has been taken advantage of, or for that matter, taken for granted.

The more I think about this the more cynical I become. "Next person to ask a favour, I'm not doing it." Yah right. Ask away, I'll do it and with a smile on my face so you think I'm happy to do this for you. Don't bother thanking me either, it's my pleasure, as always. The thing is, it isn't. I don't like constantly having to react to requests, or last minute plan changes, I just do it because I always have. May be it's a personality disorder? Maybe I'm supposed to do all this for a higher purpose. Why can I not say "NO" yet so many can?

I learned a valuable lesson recently, which prompted me to blog about this. I have been what seemed to me to be procrastinating about Christmas shopping. The truth is, I had started in October by getting some of the big ticket items for my kids out of the way. I have tried to get to it these past few weeks, but I had made promises to help with a variety of tasks that in all honesty I really didn't want to do. But as usual I couldn't say "NO" and because of this inability my needs have been pushed further and further down the list. I will get my shopping done, and most of it will be last minute as it always is, but for my sanity I will need to disappoint a friend in the process. Not something I ever wanted to do but my needs are important too.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions, but I think this year I just might. I resolve to saying "NO" if I really can't do something for some one, OR if I just don't want to. I'm tired of being the "go to girl" and if I loose friends well, they were probably not my friends in the first place and were likely just using me. As for my kids, well, what can I say. Disappointing them is far more devastating to me than any sacrifice I may have to make, so they are exempt. This I will attempt...I will have to get back to you on how successful, or not, I have been.

With much love, light and a big fat "NO!"
Tammy.