I am sitting here at my desk knowing I have a tone of work to get through but I'm paralysed. I have no motivation to do anything let along what I'm actually paid for and I'm fighting hard not to cry. Am I depressed? I've never felt this bad with no apparent reason. OK I have my reasons but they have never gotten me so down that I feel this listless.
Should I go to a councilor? Costs too much, reason number one. Lack of money. Sure I work and I make a decent living but the strain I feel to support not only me and my kids but my partner and his as well is overwhelming. It's a stress I've never before experienced and I don't know how long I can manage.
Maybe I need alone time? Virtually impossible, reason number two. There is always something that has to get done or some one always needing my attention or assistance. For a fleeting moment I thought I would have one of the elusive kid free weekends that come around every once in a while but I was informed today that that is not going to happen. Fine, I'll deal with it like I always do, with little to no help from anyone.
Maybe I should ask for help? Pipe dream, reason number three. I've done that to myself, I do all the cooking and for the most part cleaning, the dishwasher will get loaded and unloaded if I leave the dishes sitting on the counter long enough but everything else seems to fall into my lap. I don't force chores on the kids, though I know for a fact that they do chores at their other parents houses. I figure they could use the break when they are at my house. Stupid me, I deserve this one.
What do I do? I want to run away and hide but that's not really an option. I just want an end to the stress and pressure I feel overwhelming me. I can kind of understand why people kill themselves, if you spend every day feeling this badly I suppose that option would start looking pretty good. Don't worry, I'm not there. Just an observation. Besides I certainly wouldn't do that to my kids. The thought of their father raising them without my input is far more terrifying.
I'm expected to be strong, be the "rock" and maybe that's the impression I give people. I bottle things up and don't say a word. I feel as though I'm about to crumble into dust. I don't want to hurt anyone or make them feel bad about how I'm feeling so I'll suck it up, do my duties as assigned and put on a smile and no one will be the wiser. I'll know. I'm numb, I've dimmed, I'm crumbling. I'm mentally and physically drained I have nothing left. I would wallow in self pity but that's gone too.
Somethings got to give.
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