What Does It Mean To You?

So Christmas has come and gone and for all the stressing I did before hand it really wasn't anything more or less than I expected.



This year for the first time since I've been back in BC my parents were able to be here for Christmas, that was nice, for me, for the kids and for them. They brought with them their two little dogs one is 8 months the other 3 months both Shi-tzu Poodle crosses, and soooo cute. Add to that my partners brother came for Christmas as well from out of town with his dog, a 4 year old pointer. So we had, for Christmas morning (our Christmas was on the 24th) 5 kids, 5 adults, 5 dogs and one cat who I'm sure thinks he's in the wrong house. It was chaotic but that's Christmas.



We had my partners mom and aunt along with his dad for dinner that evening and we managed to pull it off, it was good. But as the days have passed I can't help but feel that I have missed the point. I know what Christmas is about, I just wonder were it went? What I mean is, for all the stressing about making sure the kids had their lists fulfilled and all the prep that goes into pulling off the perfect (or as close to as humanly possible) Christmas dinner what does it really mean to me?



When I was a kid my parents always made sure my sister and I got our one "big" gift and a bunch of little ones, as I grew up the quantity changed and that was fine, we were taught to be grateful for what we received and we were. When I moved to Toronto my mom and dad would fly me home every other year and would come to Toronto on the years I wasn't coming home, it never happened that I was without family for Christmas, and for me that is so important.



When I moved back to Vancouver it was much easier to get home for Christmas, and I went often. The last time I went home for Christmas was in 1996 when I was pregnant with my daughter, I have not been to my parents house for Christmas since then. My ex hated the 7 hour drive to the small northern BC city were they live, and he loathed being there for any amount of time. Year after year I would try to convince him to drive up and year after year he would come up with reasons as to why we couldn't. So my mom and dad would make the drive south and whether it was just before or just after the 25th we would make our own Christmas with them and the kids.



Now that my ex and I are separated I don't foresee going to my parents for Christmas any year soon because of the shared holiday, unless I could convince him to fore go Christmas with the kids we will be home bound until the kids have left the nest. So it's nice that my parents were able to come for Christmas. More so now because my dad is retired and the prospect of loosing overtime for not being available to work over the holidays is no longer an issue, I'm happy to have them.



I would hope that I can instill in my kids that Christmas is not about what you get but who you spend it with. That family is far more important than any toy or trinket that will last until the next trend. Family will always be the most important gift any time of the year, but just a little more at Christmas. So when I hear my kids complaining about what they got or didn't get, it's hard not to feel that maybe I haven't done a very good job teaching them that Christmas is not about the gifts, but the gift of spending precious time with family.



So for me Christmas means spending time with loved ones, and not how much was spent on that latest gadget on the endless lists from hopeful children. That, all the stress and preparation that goes into one day is far less important than the people you are spending the day with. Yet I stress and prepare and fulfill lists the best I can and sit and wonder what it's all about. I know next year we will do this all again, and there may or may not be as many people or dogs but the stress and prep will be the same, and when it's all done and the dust has settled, I will probably ponder the same question. I already know the answer I always have.



When my kids are grown and have families of their own, I hope they will carry on the tradition of big family Christmases and that the gifts they buy their kids do not replace what I have tried to instill in them that Christmas is about so, so much more. That would be my most cherished gift.



So what does Christmas mean to me? One word, family.



With much love, light and a very Merry Christmas,

Tammy.

No Time Like The Present

Christmas for me has always been somewhat bitter-sweet, I find it's stressful and exciting all at the same time. It's also a great time to put aside your issues and let by-gones, be by-gones.

What I'm referring to has to do with some people in my life who are struggling with issues that seem to linger and cause more pain for them than is necessary. I hope beyond hope that at least one of the individuals I am directing this particular blog at sees perhaps a different perspective and makes amends. My intention is to help fix this and nothing more.

It doesn't matter the events leading up to this, it is no longer a valid reason to turn their backs on each other and in such a painful way that there seems no hope of reconciliation. I'm hopeful though, it breaks my heart to think what BOTH of these individuals are doing to each other with their stubbornness and sadness. Maybe more so one than the other, but that really doesn't matter anymore. What matters is there is a mother who longs for her daughter, and a daughter who I'm sure is not so hardened that she does not long for her mother.

As a mother, it would devastate me to think my own daughter would turn her back on me and I would as her mother do everything in my power to fix things, even if it means apologising for something I did without the intent to hurt her. I would also, expect that if my daughter were so hurt by my actions that she would talk to me and not shut me out. I would hope that I had raised her with kindness and compassion that she would perhaps see my error and forgive me. As I would always forgive her.

This time of year, families gather to celebrate. There is nothing better than re-connecting with extended family and recounting Christmases past. For all the stress and hecticness that comes with this holiday season, it's nice to know that if you need a hand, you can call your mom or brother or sister, even aunt or uncle, and they will be there for you. I think about family members and friends who do not have their moms in their lives NOT because they have turned their backs on them but because they are no longer alive to share the joys of the lives of their children. To have a mother still with you is a blessing, to have a grandmother for your kids is an even greater blessing. To have siblings you can rely on and an extended family who is always welcoming is something you cannot buy in a store, and should not take for granted.

I don't care who you are if you extend your hand to a family member they will take it. What on earth could you have done that is so destructive that your own family would shut you out? Maybe it's time to look in the mirror and take stock. If there is no reason for them to have excluded you then what makes you think they have? If there were harsh or dishonest words spoken about you or from you about them well, ok it would be necessary for the offending party to apologise. BUT, if you can't even recall the reason, or worse still it's a silly misunderstanding then extend your hand and be a part of your family again.

My family has had it's feuds, what family hasn't? But we are still family and that's far more important than anything you will encounter in your years on this planet. Think about the future and the relationships you want to maintain with your own children and their spouses, their children for that matter. Would you not want to watch your grandchildren grow up? Why would you deny your own mother of that privilege or your own children? Who is being hurt in the long run, aside from the two of you? Your kids. They need their mom and grandma to unite, to be friends to be mother and daughter again. They long for this, it's not the same without it.

Please, for Christmas sake, let this go, put it behind you, grow from the experience and make amends. Who cares who's right or wrong, agree to disagree and go give her a HUGE hug. Believe me her heart cries for it.

Advice is easily given but hard to take. Think about what you would tell someone who you see hurting because they are alone or feel abandoned by their family. I know you would tell them exactly what I'm telling you now.

With much love, light and hope for you both.
Tammy.

A Life In Turmoil

Recently I have been flung into the world of Autism. Unfortunately it's an "I told you so" situation and I'm the one saying "I TOLD YOU SO!"

Recently it has been suggested that my ADHD son may in fact be Autistic, or more specifically fall into the Autism Spectrum Disorder or Asperger's Syndrome, as well as ADHD and LD. And yes after extensive research this is all possible as the two are very similar in their characteristics and the area of the brain affected by both. The thing is, I'm not surprised not at all.

You see, when my son was an infant, I did what every good parent does, I vaccinated my baby at two and four months. However there was a noticeable difference in my son after his four month shot, he seemed to "go away" for lack of a better explanation. He was different, and because of this I chose not to have his six month shot. At that time, there was concern of the vaccination causing Autism, and I whole heartedly believe that this is what happened. Later on when he was to start kindergarten and needed his shots up to date, I had to explain why I chose not to vaccinate. The doctor at that time assured me that there was no conclusive evidence that the vaccine might cause Autism, so like a dutiful parent, he was updated. Now as I look back, I'm wondering if this is exactly what happened. Why would they consider it if it wasn't a possibility? All I know is he changed after the four month shot.

Over the years I struggled to understand why my son was different. Our close friends son was born two months before our son, and he developed normally and is successful in school with no issues, when I compared the two boys there was a marked difference in their comparative development. My friends son walked and talked sooner, and always seemed present. My son walked at about thirteen months while this is normal, he didn't really start talking until much later, more like eighteen months and always seemed in his own little world, so much so that he would seen to snap out of it when called (for the tenth time) We thought he was deaf for the longest time and had his hearing tested in kindergarten. At that time he was also in speech therapy because of his difficulty with pronunciation of some letters, which he did outgrow.

All the while, the nagging feeling something wasn't right was still keeping me up at night. He was fearless as a toddler and pre-schooler, he had an amazingly high pain threshold, yet loud noises drove him nuts. At daycare he fell from a tricycle and cut his head, the daycare workers had no idea until they saw the blood on the back of his shirt. He was stung by stingy nettles and didn't flinch while his sister screamed with the pain. There was definitely something not right here.

Pediatrician number one, said it's probably because we let him play with toy guns. OK not my first choice in play toys but they were a gift from his grandfather and he loved them. Also, perhaps it was a food allergy and we should just wait and see. Pediatrician number two, was an Autism "specialist" recommended by a neighbour who's own son had Asperger's and recognised some of the same traits in my son. Well this "specialist" said to wait until he's in kindergarten, and that he not likely Autistic because he can carry on a conversation. Humph.

Pediatrician number three said wait till he's in grade one. Finally pediatrician number four, Dr. David OuTim, said...try this if he's ADHD it will calm him down, if not he'll be bouncing off the walls for a few hours and we'll look at something else. FINALLY! At this time however, we were far more concerned with the hyperactivity and lack of focus which was very disruptive in his grade one class. The idea of him being Autistic didn't cross any one's mind because he was such a handful we were concerned he'd end up kicked out of school. However once he was on the correct dose of his medication he settled right down, it was like I had my son back! Yeah, now he can focus and learn, just like the other kids. Ya right.

Enter learning disability. Very ugly words, even uglier outlook for my boy. He is now in grade six and is at a learning level of about grade three, scary? Damn right. He seems to have just stopped retaining what he's being taught, he's stuck in grade three. Is this all I can hope for him? Maybe. We don't know right now, because as I said earlier, Autism has surfaced again. His pediatrician has requested referrals one to the Fraser Health Autism Network, as well as to a psychiatrist, who apparently is really the only professional who can properly diagnose Autism, that would have been helpful information eight years ago! Double damn.

All I want is an answer, why is my son so different? Why is it he can look at a Lego diagram and build what ever it is in no time flat? Why is it when he reads a sentence, it's just a row of words with no connection or meaning? Why does he still, at eleven, live in a perpetual fantasy world? Why is his reality so different from ours? Maybe we will finally get our answers, except now we have to wait six to eight months. Oh well, we will make due until then and until then I will continue to find out as much as I can just like I did with ADHD, so I am informed and armed for the eventual appointments that may change my son's life forever.

There is a silver lining, if he is Autistic, there is funding available for him to receive the help and support he will need. The school he attends now has been fantastic with their dealing with him, as well as making sure we are all on the same page. He gets allot of support now, and is of great concern to the teachers he has this year, and for that I am grateful. I do have hope for him, that I will always have, I will do everything in my power to ensure that he does not fall through the cracks. He's my baby boy and even if I can't fix him, I can help him grow up to be a valued member of society. If all else fails, he has a beautiful singing and maybe that will be the path he takes.

Another Year Older, And What Have I Done?

Well isn't that an interesting question. What have I done? What have I done about what?

When I look back on my year, I see allot of different situations that, had I the opportunity to do it over again I would definitely do it differently. When I think back over the past oh, at least 30 years, there are allot of things I would have done differently. It's not with regret that I look back now because for every decision and choice I have made has led me to where I am today and I'm not unhappy with where I am, I just wonder how different my life would be had I made different decisions. Would it be better, or worse?

When I was in school, I had aspirations of becoming a graphic artist and working in advertising, then someone told me it was really hard to get into advertising, and that you had to be very good. Well, I didn't have the best grades, and even though I graduated from high school, I really didn't have any ambition to further my education, this is my one "big" regret and because of this I am adamant that my kids do something after high school, be it university or a trade they must not settle on their high school education.

So I abandoned the idea of being a graphic artist, put away my talent and have not tried to revive it since. It's a shame because even as a hobby I'm sure it would do me well, yet I don't mostly because I just don't have the time. With that career abandoned I tried marketing my other qualities being my height and looks. So off to Toronto I went with the hopes of making it big as a model, HA! even bigger pipe dream.

What was I thinking? This is a way harder industry to succeed in. After an expensive modeling course, yes they have those, and some pretty pictures which were to make up my portfolio, well guess what? I'm not a model and not for lack of trying it just didn't pan out for me. Besides, I had a day job that paid and well and when you're supporting yourself that's far more important.

At 19 I was working in an office as a receptionist and at that age that's not a bad gig. I thoroughly enjoyed working there, I made some great friends, met my 1st husband and was having the time of my life. At least at the time that's what I thought. I moved from reception to the accounts payable position and so began my 22 year career in accounting. I never got my designation the timing never seemed right, or I just couldn't afford it. I did try once, when we moved back to Ontario in 1999 I took some cost accounting courses with the hope of becoming a CMA but, again it didn't happen.

I have long since given up the hope of going back to school and making something of myself, besides what would I like to become? I know I don't want to be an accountant, that ship has long since sailed. I think maybe marketing as it would help in my current position, but then no. Maybe something completely different like in health care, a nurse maybe, no. A massage therapist crossed my mind several years back but, again, no. I could see myself as a teacher, that I would like, but I don't have the time or the money to invest in getting my degree, so, no. What do I want to be when I grow up? I still haven't a clue and I'm 42! A poet? Hmmm maybe.

So I guess when I look back, what I should have done was get a post secondary education. Had I done that, I may not be looking back wondering how different my life would be now. I probably wouldn't have the two kids I have now, but I would have had kids this I know. I love the two I've got so that's one good thing that has come out of this. I have a home, I have a job, a great relationship, that although we have our moments they are few and far between, and way better than the one I left, one hundred fold. My kids are healthy, as am I and really we are happy. But...what if? That question still burns. What if?

What if I hadn't moved to Toronto three days after graduating from high school? Would I still be in that little mill town? Married to my high school sweetheart? Maybe, maybe not. Would I have met someone who encouraged me to get that education I so desperately desire? Maybe, maybe not. Would I be a stay at home mom, with the three kids I had always thought I would have. Would I be able to participate in class outings instead of having to apologise because I have no more vacation time to take in order to drive for the field trip. Maybe, but maybe not.

As I think back over the years, there are allot of ups and just as many downs. Right now, I'm up, really I am. I doubt I could recount all this if I were down, it would probably sound very different and far more depressing. I want my kids to learn from my poor decisions, and make sound solid well informed decisions. And yes I will be a huge pain in their butts making sure they make the right ones, because I know best, by experience, I know best. They may not appreciate it now or right away, but when they look back I don't want them to ask, what if?

I don't blame anyone but myself for my choices, my parents were supportive and encouraging in every thing I did, and never stepped in and said "are you sure?" Sometimes I'm sure they wanted to, but they let me live my life and I thank them for that. But sometimes I wonder if they had been a little harder on me for good grades, or insisted that I go to college or university how different my life might be. But that's not what happened and I am where I am because this is where I am. If I could, I'd go back and do it all differently but I can't and I accept that.

With much love, light and wonder.
Tammy.

Fear Of Rejection

Why do we fear rejection to an almost destructive end?

As babies one of the first words we learn is "NO". It's our parents attempt at keeping us from sticking something in the plug outlet, or touching the hot stove, or whatever perils we, as toddlers may encounter. For our safety, NO is a good thing, until we grow up that is.

As a child, NO can be far more intimidating. "Can I go to Mary's birthday party?" "NO" "It's on the same day as your dentist appointment and I'm not changing it." At some point we learn not to ask anymore because after the umpteenth "NO" expecting a "YES" becomes fleeting at best. Why get all excited just to be disappointed by rejection.

We hear "NO" far more than we hear "YES". Why is that? Do we ask for the wrong things? Are we asking the wrong person? What about the power of positive thought? How does that work when we are faced day in and day out with "NO"? There is nothing positive about rejection. We stop asking, and just start taking out of fear, and at times desperation.

Fear of rejection can be devastating on so many levels, it leads us to feelings of inadequacy and low self esteem. Why do we allow ourselves to to be rejected? How do we not? Rejection is not something we do to ourselves, it's what others do to us. Why? There has to be a reason, and likely it's because we are not approaching the "rejector" from the right angle. Typically we face rejection because we are requesting something from someone that they are either unable or unwilling to provide. So how do we change what we are asking for to facilitate a positive response. Well, you add "something in it for them". Simple.

When my ex was a child, he was told "NO" far more than "YES", how do I know this? Well, every request from our children is answered with "NO" even if it's something as simple as the request for a glass of water. Extreme? Not really, he doesn't think or process the request before answering, he is pre-programmed from years of conditioning, that the answer is "NO". He also has admitted that he felt very unloved by his parents. Not surprising, with what he endured as a child. Of course, I had worked very hard during our marriage to break him of this habit, and even now, I find myself playing mediator between him and the kids to ensure a fair playing field for my kids.

I on the other hand was not inundated with "NO" like he was. If there was something I needed or wanted my parents would try to make it happen, and if they couldn't they would come up with alternatives. Which is probably why I'm all about alternatives, and trying to give my kids for the most part what they want. I don't spoil them, I would love to, don't get me wrong, but I do work full time for a reason and sometimes their wishes and desires are out of reach for me. I do however let them know when their requests are unreasonable, I'm not that much of a push over. Because of this, they come to me first and even if it's something their dad should be providing (50/50 right) they fear his rejection, his "NO".

This has caused some issues between us, more so when we were together. However now that he's on his own in dealing with the kids and their many requests he has a new found appreciation of really listening to them before jumping on the "NO" bandwagon. That being said the kids still think he's cheep. And yah, they're right, he is cheep, unless it's something he wants for himself. He is extremely self centred, and generally those types have the "what's in it for me?" clause.

I'm a "YES" man (woman). I have a hard time saying no. Even if I have to sacrifice something for myself I will say "YES" before I say "NO". Bad, bad, bad, I know this. I have over extended myself so many times and been taken advantage of because of my inability to just say "NO". Even if something comes up and I have a prior commitment, I will do everything in my power to make it all happen. I am a master calendar juggler, I can plan and react like no one I know, yet...I'm always the one who gets burned in the end. I can't tell you how many times my good will has been taken advantage of, or for that matter, taken for granted.

The more I think about this the more cynical I become. "Next person to ask a favour, I'm not doing it." Yah right. Ask away, I'll do it and with a smile on my face so you think I'm happy to do this for you. Don't bother thanking me either, it's my pleasure, as always. The thing is, it isn't. I don't like constantly having to react to requests, or last minute plan changes, I just do it because I always have. May be it's a personality disorder? Maybe I'm supposed to do all this for a higher purpose. Why can I not say "NO" yet so many can?

I learned a valuable lesson recently, which prompted me to blog about this. I have been what seemed to me to be procrastinating about Christmas shopping. The truth is, I had started in October by getting some of the big ticket items for my kids out of the way. I have tried to get to it these past few weeks, but I had made promises to help with a variety of tasks that in all honesty I really didn't want to do. But as usual I couldn't say "NO" and because of this inability my needs have been pushed further and further down the list. I will get my shopping done, and most of it will be last minute as it always is, but for my sanity I will need to disappoint a friend in the process. Not something I ever wanted to do but my needs are important too.

I don't usually make New Years resolutions, but I think this year I just might. I resolve to saying "NO" if I really can't do something for some one, OR if I just don't want to. I'm tired of being the "go to girl" and if I loose friends well, they were probably not my friends in the first place and were likely just using me. As for my kids, well, what can I say. Disappointing them is far more devastating to me than any sacrifice I may have to make, so they are exempt. This I will attempt...I will have to get back to you on how successful, or not, I have been.

With much love, light and a big fat "NO!"
Tammy.

A Pain In My Bejewelled Butt!

I think I'm obsessed. I even play in my sleep, how sad is that? What am I referring to? That damn game Bejewelled. I am so sick of it yet I can't not play. It's worse than the Simms.

What gets me is how people are able to get high scores over 200K and I only on the odd occasion can manage about 150K, what am I doing wrong? At first I blamed my computer because it used to freeze up and I would loose seconds in a one minute game, but lately that hasn't been a problem so it must be me. Admittedly I do react too quickly and miss some big combinations, but also, I notice that although the games are supposed to be random it's easier to score higher at the beginning of a tournament than at the end, and also the longer I play in one session the worse I do.

It's not like this game is rocket science, it is challenging, and fast paced and a great way to waste time when I have a slow moment at work. Shhhh don't tell my boss. Besides, Spider Solitaire becomes boring after a few games. The thing is when I'm about to fall asleep, or sometimes while I'm sleeping, I'm playing Bejewelled in my head, and doing just as poorly! You'd think my subconscious would at least rig the games so I do well. Not so.

I try not to play on the weekends, in fact the less I'm on the computer on the weekend the better. My home computer is pathetically slow and would probably make me even crazier to try to play there. Besides, I'm on the computer all day long at work and it's the last thing I want to do on the weekend. It's a good thing I can't get it on my Blackberry, I'd be done for if that were the case!

For those of you who do manage the really high scores, how do you do it? It's got me stumped. Then again, judging by the fact that I play in my sleep, stumping me probably isn't much of a challenge. One good thing though, at least I'm not playing Wordscraper (Scrabble type game) in my sleep too...yet!

With much love, light and Bejewelled Blitz!
Tammy.

Tee Hee Hee I Farted!

Just this morning I had to have a little chat with my son about his gaseousness. Apparently it's getting on his sisters nerves.

Now we all do it, there is not a human alive who hasn't broken wind, and if you claim to be one of them I don't believe you. Why is it that it's ok for guys to do it but not us girls? My son thinks it's hysterical to fart. My ex has two younger brothers, and as adults they think it's funny to "offend". However, God forbid a female expel the noxious fumes, it's not very lady like, and apparently far worse than anything a man can let loose the way they carry on.

My favourite is blaming the dog. My sisters dog is a yellow lab, and a farter. Probably the food he eats, but holy cow, does that dog stink. He gets embarrassed and leaves the room if you notice, poor thing though I'm sure he's been blamed for more than just his farts. My little dog Phoebe is a farter too. Worst of it is, she does it while she's napping on you lap, and she's not embarrassed about it one bit. Pretty gross, I know, but it's also a natural occurrence so why do we get so upset?

I read a book years ago written about Marilyn Monroe. She was a farter, and she thought it was funny to do it in front of people. In fact it made her giggle. So this beautiful tragic legend broke wind, do you think any less of her? I don't, I applaud her courage to be, well, human. Do you think it would be mainstream if all the celebrities did it? Pop culture certainly dictates the majority of trends out there. I know I wouldn't be able to start that trend, I wouldn't have the courage.

Ok so this is a strange topic to blog about I admit. The reason I feel compelled is because my daughter is offended by her brothers flatulence. He will lift a leg or bend over or anything to draw attention to what exactly is going on in his butt area. Remember your dad saying "pull my finger"? Ya it was gross, but did you laugh as a kid? Do you do it to your kids? Where do you think they learned it? So why does she get offended? Well because she would die before getting caught farting. Oh, and she does pass gas, I've witnessed it, but DO NOT say anything for fear of devastating the poor child. Yet her brother will happily announce his butt trumpet to anyone within earshot.

I honestly think farting is a guy thing. Only guys find pleasure in grossing each other out, and who cares who else is offended, the more the merrier. Us females well, we are a little more reserved on the offensive front. We would rather implode than let one rip. Or if at all possible, leave the room, preferably to a bathroom, with air freshener. Or if one sneaks out make sure you're next to the dog so you have someone else to blame. Don't try blaming another human because they will be the first to call you on it, especially kids. Aren't they precious, to not only notice, but ask "who farted"? Yup the innocents of babes.

So as taboo as this topic is, it's nothing new, just not discussed in civilised conversation. Well I'm talking about it, mostly because I too find it funny. There, I said it. When the kids let them rip I do carry on is if they are trying to kill me, but in a fun way. I don't embarrass them in front of strangers, mostly this is in the privacy of my home, but man can they smell up the place! Good thing I have allot of scented candles.

Maybe my daughter needs to lighten up a bit and maybe my son needs to not make such a production of farting, either way, I'm not going to tell him to hold them in. The last time he did that, he ended up with pain in his abdomen. I don't think it's healthy to hold them in, it might even be the cause of spontaneous combustion, who knows. All I know is it's natural, we need to lighten up about it and we also need to be considerate and leave the room if we have one brewing. Think of your fellow man when you feel the need to let loose, not everyone enjoys your smell like you do.

With much love light and finger pulling,
Tammy.

I'm A Mother, I Worry.

I need to get this off my chest before I explode!

Why is it certain individuals inhabiting this earth feel entitled? Or how about this one. Why do they feel the world owes them something? I really don't get people like that mostly because I'm the one who usually has to give them what they want. Is it my fault? Have I entitled them, ya probably and now I'm all angry about it. Should I direct my anger at them or myself?

The reason this has come to a head is I am trying to wrap my brain around my soon to be teenage daughter's attitude of entitlement. Is this a tween/teen thing or have I spoiled her too much trying to make her happy every time she appears unhappy? Which by the way is occurring more and more frequently. So what do I do? I have started this ball rolling and it is picking up momentum. My daughter rarely asks for anything yet when she gets nothing she acts all sullen and sulky, until I drag out of her what is bothering her. Then my bank account is considerably dented. Is throwing gifts at her wrong? In my attempt to cheer her up, should I just let her sulk until she realizes she won't always get what she wants? I know the answer to that one but it's hard to do because she is sometimes deserving because of her patients.

This child has always been a mystery to me. We used to say she was born old when she was younger, she seemed wise beyond her years, and certainly never acted childish, even when she was a child. Baby talk was a huge no no around her. At 18 months old, her Nana asked her if she wanted her baba, her reply was, "Nana, sheep says baba, it's a bottle". Her nana almost fainted at that one! Of course we laugh about it but I should have seen then what a challenge she was going to be.

The one thing I know she lacks is empathy. This is a trait inherited from her father, he even admitted it to me when we spoke this morning about how to deal with her. He too feels entitled and is extremely judgemental, he claims it's because he wasn't taught any differently. That may be so, but he sees this trait in his daughter and he doesn't like it, he understands it though and therefore tolerates it as long as it's not directed at him. He will be the first to put her in her place if she's being ungrateful. However having him teach her about empathy and compassion and tolerance would be, well, useless.

Please don't get me wrong, I love my daughter and when she is hurting I hurt. I would walk on broke glass to the end of the earth for her. She is intelligent and beautiful, two traits that will take her far in life as long as she is not what some would call a bitch. And trust me the path she is currently on is leading her that way. I have had words with her about this and her attitude towards others, I don't know if any of it sunk in, to date I would guess not after what I witnessed this morning.

You see, she and her brother are within walking distance from school when they are at their dad's and even though it's a little out of my way, I will drive to his house pick them up and drive them to school. His area is quite hilly and they do complain if they are packing a heavy load. Besides, I don't mind, this way I get to see them every day. This morning was a little different because I had my partners two boys with me because he had a volleyball tournament to go to with his daughter and wasn't able to drive the boys to school, so naturally I volunteered. That being said when my daughter saw my partners oldest in the front seat, her usual spot she was not too happy, more so because she was forced to sit in the very back because the two seater in the middle was occupied by her brother and my partners youngest.

Well the daggers thrown at me were almost tangible. She was unimpressed and it was written all over her face. She would have to sit in the back for all of two to three minutes the length of time it takes to drive to their school, yet I may as well have asked her to eat worms. When we arrived at their school, my son hopped out wished me a good day and was off to his classroom. My daughter got out, gave me a dirty look and stormed off, I called after, "your welcome" not that she heard, but still I made my point if only to myself. Just once, I would love for her to say, thanks mom, even if she's mad at me. But again, she feels she's entitled to this and therefore exempt from being grateful. My son still kisses me on the cheek and wishes me a good day before he hops out of the van, but he doesn't have empathy issues.

My wish for my daughter is that she grow up a nice person. My worry is that she won't. How do I change this? Obviously buying her everything she wants isn't working, and that will stop. She will learn empathy and compassion and tolerance if it kills me, I will not let her grow up to be a bitch, I will not let that happen. But how? Her father suggested having her volunteer with special needs kids, that it may teach her humility. The thing is she has to want to do this. Forcing her will only make matters worse, and alienate her further. I need to come up with a plan, and have her buy in. This will not be an easy task because she is so uninterested on so many levels.

Another issue, is her disrespect for adults, more so adults in her life, the general public is safe. She can be very rude but in a way so subtle that you almost miss it. She is not happy with my current relationship, and that's too bad because for the most part we allow her her space and privacy and do our best to ensure her happiness. I don't make demands on her like her father does, with helping in the kitchen and such, all I ask is that she act as though she is a member of the family and not like we are inconveniencing her with our presence. When she arrives at my house, she storms up to her room and that's the last we see of her until dinner and even then it's very brief.

I don't want to make her feel unwelcome in my home, but she certainly doesn't act as though she wants to be there. If my partners kids are there then she makes herself even less accessible. She doesn't interact with them, she doesn't interact with her brother either, so I guess she is treating them like siblings. She's not mean to anyone except her brother, she just ignores the other kids. She is not adapting well to the family dynamic as it is currently and I doubt she ever will. I know she understands why her father and I are not together but I think she would rather have me all to herself and not have to share me with four other people, not just her brother.

One day, she will grow up and realize it doesn't pay to be elusive to others, that rudeness will not get you far. One day she will be a beautiful successful woman whom people will look up to. I am so proud of her accomplishments in school, I look at her and cannot believe she came from me, her beauty is timeless. My heart wants her to be the best person she can be, I just don't think she understands how detrimental her attitude is to who she will become. I will get her through this, because I know it needs to be done and done in such a way as not to damage her. I just wish I had the words to make her understand that I'm not trying to hurt her, but I see how she is hurting herself.

With much love, light and hope,
Tammy.

Learning Disabilities

My son is in grade 6 and today I learned that his math is at a grade 3 level. This combined with his grade 2 reading is devastating news and has sent me into a frenzy of what to do next?

When a woman gets pregnant, her thoughts are "will my baby be healthy?" "What can I do to be sure of this?" Well those were my thoughts anyway. I did everything I thought was right when I was pregnant. I didn't even gain as much weight with my son as I did my daughter, hmmm maybe that was it? I didn't even have a sip of alcohol, or eat sushi I don't smoke so that isn't an issue but as I sit here and write I am desperately searching my memory as to what I did while I was pregnant to cause my son to be the way he is.

ADHD aside, all the experts say that's a hereditary trait, and being that my sister was ADHD for sure and possible my son's dad was too, he was never diagnosed. My son also faces LD (learning disability) He can barely read, and no matter how much we read with him he doesn't seem to progress beyond a grade 2 level at best. His spelling is phonetic still, and half the time even he can't figure out what he has written. Now, today I find out his math is at a grade 3 level and he's in grade 6. This is news to me because for the past two years he has done fine in math, in fact we were under the impression that math was his strongest subject. Boy were we wrong.

I blame myself for all this, why didn't I do something sooner? But what? We couldn't afford for me to quit work to home school, not to mention I don't know if that's even something I could have done. We were told places like Silvan and Kumon will not take LD kids, and private tutoring just wasn't within our means. It still isn't. So we rely on the public school system. Some years are better than others depending on funding. My son was also chosen to attend the Teaching and Education Centre which is an intensive 12 week 1/2 day every day learning centre provided by the school district. This helped him tremendously with language arts, he loved it and was happy to learn there. School, well not so much.

This year is his first year in middle school, and he does go to the resource room for most all his subjects for extra help. He has an extensive IEP (individual education plan) for reading writing, spelling and today added to it is math. He is exempt from having to take french, because that's just far too confusing to him and frankly I would rather he focus on his first language. He gets upset because he believes he should have the full one on one attention of the resource teacher, and when she has to help other kids he becomes incensed that they are even in the room. I have tried to explain that she is not there solely for him but for all the kids who need help.

My son seems to think he's entitled, why I'm not sure but this tends to cause friction between him and his teacher not to mention his teacher and his parents. While I try to be understanding it is quite disturbing to hear that his teacher yelled at him, however I can totally understand how he can bring out the worst in people. The problem is he's the one who gets hurt in the long run because anyone who might have had an interest in his success will quickly loose that interest when he behaves this way.

Sometimes I wonder if there isn't more going on with him than just ADHD and LD. Sometimes I wonder if he's mentally handicapped. They way he acts sometimes I would swear that's his true problem. He acts inappropriately around his sister and her friends doing stupid things that only he sees as funny, we, his family, are used to it. Then there are times were he is behaving quite normally and maturely as fleeting as this is it gives me hope, until he acts like an idiot again. Why can I not have a normal son? What the hell did I do to cause this? What did I do to deserve this? What did he do? I didn't drop him on his head, I know that for sure. I breast fed and really he was a good baby, really easy. But now.

His maturity level as at about a nine year old, however sometimes he acts like a two year old. If he doesn't get his way, or if he thinks people don't like him it puts him in such depressed state it's scary to witness, and it leaves me feeling utterly helpless because he will not respond to anything I suggest. If I leave him be, sometimes he will snap out of it, and all is well again. However there are times where he has threatened to run away or worse kill himself. His self esteem is so low that he tends to act and say things so far fetched and grandiose that it makes no sense at all. For example he thinks he can fight a bear by poking it in the eye with a stick. Or he can fight a shark by punching it in the nose. And it's not just that he thinks this the way he conveys it makes you truly think he's lost his mind. Considering this is the same kid whose deathly afraid of spiders.

I am at a loss, I feel truly lost with this. It's like he got to a certain age, and stopped. His body is continuing to age but his mind isn't. He has retained as much as he is ever going to and anything new is held for such a brief amount of time that we have likened him to "10 second Tom" from the movie 50 First Dates because sometimes that's as long as he can retain information. He will ask me what we are doing, I will tell him and not 10 seconds later he's asking again, and this can happen 3 or 4 times before it sinks in, and at that I usually have to get upset with him for not listening. He's hearing it but it's not sinking in, why is that?

I have unlimited love for this child and my heart cries for his success, but I also feel at times like throwing in the towel and saying "well this is the best we can expect" and leave it at that. That's not fair to him, but convincing him that learning and school are important becomes futile year after year when you find out nothing has sunk in. If only I could wave my magic wand, if only I had a magic wand.

I don't know where to go from here, his dad is just as worried about this as I am but he looks at it from a different angle, the "just do it, because I said so" angle which is just as lost on our son. Two weeks ago when my son was at his dad's for the week, they studied every night for an upcoming science test. He go 23 out of 30 which to us was amazing, we are unbelievably proud of him for this accomplishment and he's proud of himself too. If he were to take the test again it's highly unlikely he would do as well. But then we don't know that for sure because they don't tend to retest to see if it has sunk in.

That's the thing, if it's not important to him it doesn't stick. He is a wiz at putting Bionicles or Lego together, he is very visual and has a great memory for that which he holds important, school isn't one of those things, I don't know if it ever will be. I pray for his success today and in the future, I don't know what his future holds, if he will be successful, he is handed the tools but doesn't know how to use them. Fortunately for him he has two parents who worry day and night about this and who are working diligently to try to figure out what steps to take next. What path to take when faced with a dead end. I just can not let him be stuck in any dead end if it means knocking down the wall myself.

So now a new search begins, what more can we do to ensure his success? I would love to have all this explained in simple terms that we can not only understand but be able to work with. Yes, we know all about ADHD and LD and ODD and OCD and on and on and on, but that has gotten us no where. I want someone to tell me "if you do this, he will be ok" By GOD! I will do it! Just tell me, help me fix my son. I know there are no answers, we just keep grasping at straws hoping for the long ones, getting the short ones.

Just as I was typing this last paragraph my son called me to ask if I had told his dad about his math being at grade 3 and I said yes, and he said "It's not your fault, I'm mad at myself" it's times like this that I see there is hope, and it comes right from him. He's not giving up on himself so neither am I. He wants to be a success he knows he needs to work harder than the other kids his age, he understands that he is "stuck" What can I do to help him? I can't crawl inside his head and fix the broken parts. I wish I could. I have to have faith that he will be ok, because he has faith that he will be ok. So ok, one step forward.

With much love, light and hope,
Tammy.

OK, Now I Get It.

As I mentioned in a previous blog, I was not overly impressed with the movie Where The Wild Things Are, that is until very recently when my eleven year old son explained it to me.

You see, as an adult, the gist of the story was lost on me. Last night while driving with my son we passed the theatre where we saw the movie and my son commented that he really liked it and asked if I liked it too. Well I could have said yes it was great and left it at that but I was honest with him and told him I really didn't like it. He of course asked "why?" and so I went on to explain that I didn't think the story made any sense at all and that I couldn't see the point of the "Wild Things".

My brilliant son explained that the "Wild Things" represented people in his life, and that Carole the main "Wild Thing" that had anger issues was Max, Judith and Ira were Max's mom and her boyfriend, KW was his sister. When he started making these comparisons, the whole point of the movie fell into place for me, and with this new take on it, I was wrong, it's not the absolute worst movie I have ever seen. If my eleven year old was able to make these connections and understand the moral or lesson of the movie than Spike Jones did his job and did it well.

I had mentioned that maybe as an adult I just didn't get it as it was directed towards kids, well that assumption was correct. Thank you so much my abstract thinking boy, you opened my eyes to a whole new perception towards a movie I was more than willing to write off. There are times when he can be so wise beyond his years yet so naive that I worry incessantly that he will be left behind. This revelation has calmed some of those worries.

With much love, light and open eyes,
Tammy.

Lies vs. False Truths

A while back I came across an article on the web on "false truths". This is an interesting subject because we all create false truths for various reasons.

Take for example when we convince ourselves that a situation occurred a certain way, yet everyone else who was either involved or a witness sees the same situation completely different. Are we lying? Are they? This really boils down to our own perception of reality.

According to this article women are far more likely to create a false truth than a man. We tend to react to situations emotionally whereas men are far more logical. This emotion can be so overwhelming that we feel compelled to re-create the situation in order to make our own sense of it. Women therefore are far more likely to be labeled a liar. This is not necessarily the case.

Of course all people men and women are capable of some of the most atrocious lies imaginable. But what I'm talking about here is skewing reality to suit an individuals needs. When we tell someone what we think they want to hear, are we lying to them, maybe. I think it's only a lie if what we are saying we don't agree with but are doing it only to keep the peace. Lying for the sake of peace can be very damaging because we can only keep it up so long. Then we snap, and the person on the receiving end is completely blind sided.

If however we don't really have an opinion either way and know how we respond to the person asking will either cause an issue or not, then I don't think this qualifies as a lie, but rather a "little white lie". We do it all the time, "do I look fat in this?" What do you want to hear? "Yes you look huge!" or "No, but maybe a different colour will bring out your eyes." All the while we are thinking, "Nothings going to may you look thinner except maybe a diet." So what have we just done here? Save someone from unnecessary hurt or set them up to be hurt by someone else when they least expect it? Did we lie? Yes we did, but to protect not to hurt. Is this acceptable? Who am I to say, I would rather not be told I look fat in something.

False truths are a little different in that you take a situation, take the opposite of what happened then convince yourself beyond a shadow of a doubt that's how it actually happened. These can actually pass a lie detector test because we believe the lie to be true and react the same way on a subconscious level as we would to the truth. We convince ourselves so well that we are able to convince others. If we continually label another person abusive for example, eventually everything they do we will be seen as abuse even if it's not. That is a very dangerous and unfair label to put on someone just because that is how you choose to perceive them. It could also go the other way, someone who is abusive can easily convince their victim that it's not abuse but their form of love, and they are doing it for the victims own good after all they know what's good for them. This is why so many abuse victims stay in abusive relationships, they are convinced of their abusers false truths.

Be very careful how you perceive and describe others, everyone deserves truth. I am not a liar, just because I said something I know the other person wanted to hear or to keep the peace. I am assuming the role of protector. I do not label individuals to elevate myself and bolster my ego. We all have a right to fair treatment, and one mishap can spell disaster if there is someone out there who would gladly label you for what ever they see fit. When a blatant lie becomes a false truth, and that false truth is told to the right people, lives can be devastated. I have witnessed this first hand and no matter what the victim of this false truth does or says the stigma stays with them.

No amount of forthright behaviour or proof to the contrary can undo this damage, at least not in the short term. Once the seeds of doubt are sewn they are a nasty weed that takes hold. At every turn we will deal with someone who is convinced of their righteousness and no matter what you say they will inundate you with their false truths to a dizzying height. What you take away from this dealing is a feeling somewhat akin to being hit by a truck. These individuals can be very taxing and toxic and typically thoroughly enjoy watching reactions to their ramblings, and should you not respond as they expect then, just hold tight, they can adjust their tale to affect the desired result. Sometimes mid-sentence which is mind blowing in itself.

Next time you are having a conversation with someone about a situation that might seem far too unrealistic to have occurred try delving into it so deeply that you uncover the false truths. When you have a chance to ask questions, ask the person "how did this make you feel?" this might put them off balance and uncover the truth, because what they want is for you to feel what they have conveyed without actually letting you know their true feelings about it. This is confusing. When I tell you "so-in-so was so nasty to me and said this and that, and did this and that to me" How do you feel about so-in-so? Probably angry right? Well the person talking about so-in-so has convinced themselves of this scenario, yet that's not really what happened. What if it were the opposite of what was told to you? And now you say, "that's too bad because I know so-in-so and that doesn't sound like something they would do, how do you feel about it?" Pick it apart, make them delve further, get details. This should derail them, because what they were looking for is validation of their false truth and what they got was your disbelief. At this point it doesn't matter if they answer, likely they will drop it like a hot potato and change the subject.

Now don't get me wrong, there are times when we feel justified complaining about so-in-so, but as long as it is reality based and not a personal attack on their character but rather a tirade on their poor behaviour, yes you are entitled to your opinion. Sometimes we need to talk about these issues in order to make sense of them. But just don't twist it so far out of proportion that you damage the other persons reputation. Unfortunately that happens far too often. Some people will talk to anyone who will listen about the atrocities they have endured, and to tiring extent, and give us a very grim view of the person of topic during this conversation.

The next time I find myself engaged in such a conversation, I'm going to try to take a step back, assess the information and dissect it to find if this is reality or a false truth. Good luck to me.

With much love, light and truth,
Tammy.

The Ten Commandments, An Exploration

I have been giving thought to what makes us as individuals justified in our behaviours, good bad or otherwise.

The basis in my opinion can be explored by examining the Ten Commandments as handed down from God to Moses. Now, being raised Catholic, and having had the experience of confession and penanceand I can tell you, I used these commandments to determine exactly what I was going to confess. Of course, they are a great set of standards that we should all adhere to but alas, that doesn't happen and I think for the most part these have been long lost on society. Maybe a re-vamped "new and improved" set would be appropriate. Or maybe just sitting down and re-learning the original as handed down is all that's required.

1. I am the Lord your God, you shall have no other gods before me, you shall not make for yourself an idol.

This is interesting, when we have so many other religions and cultures who do not necessarily subscribe to the Christian God, yet who is correct? I think if the collective conscious is that there is one ultimate force who started all this then who cares what we call it. The pagans worshiped the sun as god were they wrong? Who are we to say. Your God, is yours. Believe with all your might and don't condemn someone if they don't subscribe to your beliefs it's not your "God given right" to judge others. That I learned in Catechism.

2. You shall not make wrongful use of the name of God.

OK well that's a given, but what about OMG, I guess depending on who you are it might mean Oh my gosh. I have tried time and time again to get my son to stop saying oh my god, (there I said it, not capitalised so we know who I'm not referring to) and the compromise has been that he says oh my dog. He asked why he can't say oh my god, and I tried to explain that it's taking the Lord's name in vain and that is a violation of one of the Ten Commandments. Now here's the kicker, both my ex and I were raised Catholic and when we had our kids we made the decision not to baptise, or christen our babies, we both feel that religion is a deeply personal thing and they should be given the opportunity to choose for themselves what they wish to believe.

Was this wrong? I'm not sure. If my son were raised in the church, would he have a better appreciation for God and all He stands for? I don't know. My ex-father in law who goes to church uses the term "Jesus Christ" on a very regular basis and in front of the grandkids so what is that teaching them? Why did we start using these terms in the first place? My son says it's like saying a little prayer (not that he knows what a prayer is) I understand that, and when we say "Oh my God" or "Oh my Lord" are we not calling on God for strength? I guess it depends on what context these sayings are being used in. If you are being derogatory or it is meant as an alternative to swearing then I would say that's wrong. Were did these phrases come from anyway? I'm guilty of using them I admit. I don't do it to be blasphemous I try to say "Oh my gosh" instead to try to set an example but sometimes it slips out. Will I go to hell for this? Well maybe, but I'm not too worried about that because I don't believe in hell.

3. Remember the Sabbath and keep it holy.

This one is interesting what with Sunday shopping and all. So if your a christian and go to church faithfully what do you do afterwards? Do you go for breakfast at the local IHOP? It gets really busy there after church lets out. Or do you head to the mall or grocery store? Do you take advantage of the extra day for shopping and those poor souls who are scheduled to work on your Sabbath? I know, if you choose, you can use your religious beliefs to get out of having to work on Sunday, and there is nothing your boss can do about it, but don't you dare go out to eat or shopping you hypocrite. You can't use your beliefs as an excuse and then rely on others to provide you with services on your Sabbath. I know there are those of you out there that don't do these things, but I'll bet there are more people not keeping Sunday holy than those of you who do.

4. Honour your father and mother.

Absolutely! If it weren't for them you wouldn't exist, you should thank them, I'll wait...
I think this is so important. If you honour, cherish, respect your parents then they raised you right. It doesn't matter what you believe if you love them as much as they loved you to create you and raise you they did their job. If for what ever reason you do not have a loving relationship with your parents then you are according to commandment number 4, sinning right? Yah, but it's not one of the "big" ones so it's ok. Besides it's their fault for not agreeing with you in the first place. Who here truly doesn't like there parents? Show of hands. OK, who here has had a falling out with their parents and can remember why? Ya that's what I thought. Reach out to them, they love you, warts and all. No matter your opinion of them they will always be your parents, you can't change that.

5. You shall not kill

No kidding? There is really not much I can say about this. Why is there an need for this commandment if God still allows killing to occur? What about war? Are our solders going to hell because of this commandment? They are living a hell every day they are in combat so I think this one may need re-wording. How about the Buddhist rule of "cease to do harm to others" I like that one, because it also covers abuse as well as killing. If the 5th Commandment was "You shall not harm another human either physically or mentally" that would take care of allot of crap people endure. But then, because killing still occurs and abuse still occurs, who's listening to Commandment #5 anyway? Ok maybe we don't kill others, but what about abuse? We harm others so deeply that we are committing an even greater sin because we are causing others to live with the pain we inflict.

6. You shall not commit adultery.

Ok that's a bad one, but not as bad as #5 for sure. I have a theory about people who commit adultery, (and emotional adultery counts here too) if your marriage or relationship is so bad that you feel the need to seek out a lover, then why are you still in your marriage or relationship? There is no commandment that says "You shall not divorce or change partners" I checked. I understand the feeling of being stuck in a bad marriage, hey I was there. I'm not saying this one can be justified I just understand were this might be the most frequently abused commandment there is, second only to the frequent use of OMG! We live in a time were adultery is almost a sought after pastime. Why is that? Has the media made it mainstream? Acceptable? Unfortunately I think it has, and I think we do not put as much a stigma on it as our grandparents generation did. Besides, were was #6 when they invented "swingers clubs"?

7. You shall not steal.

Unless you're a cute puppy and it's my heart that is. This one goes without saying, really it's more about morals than criminal offence. We teach our children it's wrong to take something that doesn't belong to them without asking, we also teach them that if you steal you might go to jail, if your caught that is. But what about compulsive shoplifters or people who steal as a cry for help? No they shouldn't steal, but sometimes there are such strong underlying issues that as a society we need to examine the "why" and not just condemn for the crime. Stealing is of course fundamentally wrong, I agree. Stealing that loaf of bread or block of cheese because you are starving, or worse your children are starving, well, I'm sorry, I think that's justified. That would be the only reason I would turn a blind eye. I cannot imagine my kids with empty tummies and not a scrap of food in the house and no means to provide for them. What if they local food cupboard is empty too? This is a sin of our society. Those of us who can help should.

8. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbour.

So I read this one, and try to decipher it. Is it about defamation of character? Maybe about lying? There isn't a commandment that says "You shall not lie" at least not in so many words. Maybe that should be added to this one because I think that's basically what they were trying to convey. Little white lies are ok, if you're trying to put someone off who is badgering you for information about their birthday and you know full well someone is planning a surprise for them, you will likely come up with a lie to put them off the sent. This is acceptable, absolutely because it's not done maliciously to hurt someone else. Lying to save your butt, well that's a grey area, what did you do that you need to spin a tale? You need to consider all consequence to your actions and lies and determine exactly how much it will hurt you or those you love. Lying to get what you want is wrong. Lying to hurt someone else is even worse. It's up there with "You shall not kill". So basically, don't lie.

9. You shall not covet your neightbour's wife.

Um ok, but what about your neighbours husband? Is that ok? Oh wait, I think we covered this one in #6 didn't we? I guess this was a problem way back when Moses received these because this one and the next were covered, but these are a little more specific. So do not covet someone who is married, is what I get from this. That makes sense because to covet means to long to posses, or to lust after. Do I hear sexual harassment? Hmmm maybe God was onto something with this one. Of course, we all see the green grass on the other side of the fence. This could be were that saying came from. We are all guilty of wanting what others may have. We live in a very materialistic society were we all want the best of the best, and most of us can attain what our hearts desire. Here's the thing tho, what if the neighbours wife wants to be coveted? What if she dresses provocatively and flits endlessly with the neighbourhood husbands? Who's at fault then? Just asking.

10. You shall not covet anything that belongs to your neighbour.

Especially his wife apparently. This one is the "keeping up with the Jone's" commandment. Be happy with all you have, because it's yours. You worked hard to get it, and just because the neighbour drives a new car and your still in the very first car your dad bought doesn't make the neighbour better than you, in fact, maybe they are drowning in debt because of the huge car payment and higher insurance rate, and you don't owe a thing and it faithfully starts every morning, God forbid your neighbours car ever breaks down, if it's out of warranty, CHA-CHING! Be happy with your life as you've made it. Don't think you are any less a person because you don't have all that your neighbour has, maybe they are looking at you and wanting what you have?

So that's my take on the Ten Commandments. I think on the whole they are a great set of standards to live by, and I feel for the most part we all strive to adhere to them, we may slip here and there on the less serious offenses, but at the end of they day we are all good people and we all deserve a chance to prove that. My kids may never learn to appreciate all that these commandments teach us, unless I teach them and I may just do that.

With much, love light and a good set of rules to live by,
Tammy.

Act Your Age Not Your Shoe Size!

It seems to me that there are some adults out there who act less like adults and more like spoiled children yet expect to be considered grown up.

Why is it that as we get older we act less like the adults we claim to be? Mostly you see it when you witness how two adults who should be working together decide the other is wrong and therefore thinks it affords them the right to have a tantrum, or at the least act like a spoiled child. Maybe a good spanking is in order. That would be assault and therefore not recommended but think about the implications. If we were able to treat the offending adult as the child they act like then maybe there would be less conflict in marriages, employee/employer relationships or even in dealing with each other. If you could scold and know that your scolding would be affective and not offensive wouldn't you do it? The thing is we do, only we don't do it right, it if closer to being condeseding than effective.

Think about the last time you dealt with a misbehaving child. What did you do? Time out? Yell? Spank? (open hand on clothed butt is still legal in Canada) Remove privileges? See we still kinda do all that with misbehaving adults, only they feel entitled to be offended. Kids don't feel entitled and if they do they do it behind your back for fear of making things worse for themselves. So why is it the misbehaving adult gets to fight back? Because of that entitling word "adult".

Adult insinuates that we are able to make rational decisions and to accept responsibility for our actions. If that's the case what do we fight about? Well one adult telling the other adult what to do will cause a problem, more so if the adult being told doesn't agree. Does that entitle the disagreeing adult to act childish? Apparently so. Or this could be reversed if the commanding adult doesn't get their way. I have to laugh when I see these scenarios playing out because I see it, I see the childish behaviour and unless one adult doesn't put a stop to it, the conflict escalates to immensely immature levels, it becomes comical, but not for the players.

So what do we do to prevent this? Well, start by assessing what it is you wish to accomplish. Choose your words carefully if you think they may cause conflict, re-think what it is you want. Most times we are far to vague and for fear of rejection we tend to not get right to the point. So be clear. Be appreciative and be grateful. Say please and thank you, (we expect this from our kids right) and DO NOT demand. If you are unhappy with what someone is doing and you are afraid to talk to them about it, you need to assess exactly why you are upset and why you think talking to them about it will only inflame the situation. Are they acting immature or are you?

We should be able to voice our concerns without causing conflict, yah right. But why? Why do we tippy toe around certain individuals and others we walk all over? Here's a thought, because we are not intimidated by the individuals we walk all over, they are generally the "nice guys" who we feel empowered to dominate. The people we fear are either far more intimidating by behaviour, or they hold something over you. If they have something you want you are less likely to cause conflict for fear of not getting it, or loosing what they have that you want. So you tippy toe around them and let them take advantage of you because you do not have the spine it takes to stand up to them.

I am one of those people who will apologise first, or back down in a disagreement and because of that I get taken advantage of. I don't like this, and I know better, but and here's the kicker, I don't like confrontation. I am not a "good fighter" I cannot recall all the atrocities done in the past during the heat of a battle, that's history and water under the bridge, why bring it up again? The thing is because of this, that history can be twisted to suit the other person. I'm never 100% sure what I might have said two months ago, what I do know is that if something sounds out of character for me, then it likely didn't happen like that. At what point do I turn back into the adult I claim I am? At the point were I take responsibility for my actions and stand up for what I believe.

This for me is easier said than done. When push comes to shove, I throw up the white flag. I don't act like a child necessarily but I'm certainly not acting like a grown up either. Maybe for the sake of peace it's better to suck it up and let it go, rather than having a tantrum until you get what you want. Consider this, who wins? Really? Who gets hurt? There are always causalities and if you don't see it and are only concerned with your own gain than you truly have not grown up, you truly are not an adult.

When I grow up I want to be a person with a strong sense of who I am and the confidence to assert myself without hurting others or acting childish. Still waiting for that day, and when it arrives I will be sure that I can use the title of "adult". We should all strive to be kind and considerate to others, to show tolerance and understanding. If we feel we have been wronged we should have the courage to stand up for our selves and if we feel we are powerless to affect the required out come we need to look within to see if we are seeing the situation as it should be.

Perspective is a personal thing, we all see things differently, from our own perspective as it were. Trying to understand or see things from someone else's perspective is extremely difficult, especially if you do not agree. I will always see things from my perspective, just as you will always see things from your perspective. They may be similar, but they will never be exactly the same and that's ok. BUT you have to understand that it is OK and not beat the other person with your perspective or opinion, that can cause childish behaviour on both parts. Don't be so set in your perspective to not be willing to let the other person have their own, you can not force someone to see things your way, so stop whining about it, stop acting childish.

With much love, light and grown up perspective,
Tammy.